realized that I had pretty much been not making my own choices in my life... .since my childhood, not just my marriage.
Maybe not since childhood in my case, but not in a lot of years. I have done very few things just for me in a very long time, and for those few things I have done there has been hell to pay. Since getting back into T and also learning about pwBPD, I have begun taking charge of my own life again. I'm starting to feel like my old self. My mother told me last week that "you sounded like your old self, back when you were a teenager."
I finally realized that appeasement doesn't work and even on the rare occasions when it lowers the heat temporarily, it's ultimately counterproductive. I have discovered that nothing terrible is going to happen to me if I stand up to my wife and she gets mad. I'm also learning the difference between JADEing, which makes her angry and is useless; and setting boundaries, which also makes her angry but has some personal benefit.
It's a hard call to say whether dealing with her BPD is worth it to have myself back. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone my spouse. But if there is any silver lining to this, it is in finding that I am so much stronger and more valuable to
me than I ever thought possible, and it's OK to admit that.
