I don't know what to do when I get home tonight

[gloin]

I think my wife has undiagnosed BPD. We had an argument this morning because she overreacted to something I said. She then told me to go to work and leave our 3 year old, who I was just getting ready for school. I said I was leaving and would drop him at school on my way, but she wouldn't let me and we proceeded to argue about it. I hate when she shouts in front of the kids and repeatedly asked her to stop, but in the end I had to let her wrestle the kid away from my arms in order to avoid a human game of tug-of-war. I don't know how much of it my son understood, but he is getting smarter everyday and is starting to notice these fights, which has always been my worst fear in this relationship.

During the argument I hinted that I could leave for good if she didn't stop treating me that way - in hindsight, it was a terrible thing to say if she actually has BPD, but it is very hard for me to deal with her outbursts. We have talked on the phone afterwards and she acts like nothing has happened, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to go back home. Now I don't know what to do when facing her tonight.

Should I tell her **we** need help and ask for marriage counseling? Last time I mentioned this she said she was the one who needed help (which was very unexpected, but I think she is worried about different issues). I've since talked to a therapist who has experience with BPD and DBT and have been looking for a way to send my wife to see her, but don't know how to do it without  causing a scene for talking to a therapist behind my wifes' back and saying she has a problem, even though she admits to it.

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[maxsterling]

hi gloin, 

First off, I want to say I have been there.  Argument, me leaving the house, and tempted to just take the wrong turn on the interstate and keep driving rather than come home and potentially face the same argument.  But the reality here is, as I am sure you know, you will have to face it at some point.  In my case, so far it has always worked out and tensions calmed. 

I'm a little confused by your post and what the comment was that your wife overreacted to - was it about taking the child to school, or was there another argument that preceded that?  One thing to know about BPD is that the argument is never about what the person with BPD claims it to be about.  She was likely already upset about something else when she overreacted to your comment.  Trying to figure out what the underlying issue is takes a lot of patience, learning, and listening. 

Your wife admitting that she has issues is actually a very good thing.  MC could be a route to getting her to see an individual therapist, but generally relationship issues can't be dealt with in MC if both parties are not emotionally healthy.  Has she ever in her life seen a counselor or therapist?  What is in her background that leads her to admit she has issues?

[gloin]

I'm a little confused by your post and what the comment was that your wife overreacted to - was it about taking the child to school, or was there another argument that preceded that?

 

It all started because she asked me to take him to school on a day she was supposed to do it. When I am the one taking him, I wake up earlier and have everything ready before waking him up so that we can be out of the door in 20 minutes. Yesterday wasn't the case, so we both knew the last-minute change would make me late (which is not just a matter of 10 minutes because if I miss my bus there isn't another one for another hour). She wasn't even in the room while I was rushing to get him ready (she was actually busy changing the baby, but i didn't know it at the time), so I called her by name (which is unusual for us) and said that if she wanted me to take him to school instead of her she could at least help get him ready.

One thing to know about BPD is that the argument is never about what the person with BPD claims it to be about.  She was likely already upset about something else when she overreacted to your comment.  Trying to figure out what the underlying issue is takes a lot of patience, learning, and listening

Exactly, thank you very much for helping me see it. Apparently, what got her mad about my comment was that she interpreted it as an accusation of her "never doing anything". When we talked about the argument later she said I insinuated that she wasn't doing anything around the house because she was away shopping for purses or getting her hair done. Not only I never said any of those things, but they aren't things she ever cared about or could possibly be doing. I get that she was being ironic, but don't know whether some part of her wished she were actually out doing girly things.

I'd say the underlying issue here is that she actually wanted to be doing more with her life - both inside the house and in her outside life. My comment wasn't about that, though... .I just wanted her to get our son dressed or brush his teeth (things that she normally has no problem doing) while I was rushing not to be late.

Your wife admitting that she has issues is actually a very good thing.  MC could be a route to getting her to see an individual therapist, but generally relationship issues can't be dealt with in MC if both parties are not emotionally healthy.  Has she ever in her life seen a counselor or therapist?  What is in her background that leads her to admit she has issues?

I thought it was a good thing too. She has been through therapy for many years, mostly during her late teens/ early 20s, but I don't think she was ever diagnosed with anything in particular. The issue she admits needing help with is a lack of patience with our son. She actually behaves this way towards everyone, but since the kids are her absolute priority now, I don't think she cares about how other people feel when she explodes.

Thank you!

[gloin]

Should I tell her **we** need help and ask for marriage counseling? Last time I mentioned this she said she was the one who needed help (which was very unexpected, but I think she is worried about different issues). I've since talked to a therapist who has experience with BPD and DBT and have been looking for a way to send my wife to see her, but don't know how to do it without  causing a scene for talking to a therapist behind my wifes' back and saying she has a problem, even though she admits to it.

Quick update on this: I told her about the therapist and she did get very upset about it. Apparently, meeting a therapist for her without telling was the same as cheating on her. She now says she will see a therapist, but absolutely not the one I found, which is a pity, because it was very hard to find someone with BPD/DBT experience in our neighborhood.

[maxsterling]

Wow, I can completely relate to your experience, in nearly every detail (except we don't have kids).

Consider this:  her real issue is shame.  It's not that she wants to go out doing girly things.  She views herself as worthless, assumes you judge her as worthless, even as you have never ever made such comments to her, probably because people in her past (probably her parents) were critical of her lack of getting things done.  She sets up the scenario all by herself in her head.  Then when you make one comment, she fits that into her scenario and that must mean you have been secretly resentful all these years. 

I think I face the exact same thing.  My wife does very little cooking, very little cleaning,  very little household upkeep.  She mostly sits on the couch, not working, on facebook, and managing her own affairs the best way she knows how.  Intellectually, she declares herself a "feminist", and thinks it beneath her to be dependent on men.  Yet, that is how she is right now, dependent on me, and that gives her tremendous shame.   That means if I make one comment (sometimes I don't even have to make any comment) that she can construe as me telling her she isn't doing enough, she explodes.  Just last night I was doing my best to communicate that I need to put my focus on today's needs and not future scenarios, and prioritize what is in front of me.  She interpreted that as me saying that she needs to get a job, accept her role as a housewife, and earn her keep.

I can relate to the therapy situation as well.  She wanted to go to MC together.  Since it was my insurance (we weren't married yet) she put it up to me to find a counselor.    She gave me a list of criteria, I told her it might be easier for her to search the list and call herself, but she put it back on me.  So, I called, we had a few appointments, and then she declared that the counselor must have a crush on me, and wanted to see someone else, this time of someone she chose.        I really think it had nothing to do with the counselor, I think it had to do with that she felt I was controlling this aspect of our relationship.  Of course that was not true because I wanted her input.  Something about her making the decision eased her worry.