How do people deal with NC? especially when child involved…

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How do people deal with NC? Especially when child involved…

It has been years since I have written here, but I have spent many hours over those years reading … especially during a crisis, reading through the threads really has helped make me feel not so alone…

I do not want to make this a long post, so will just say that we have lurched from one drama to another in the last 3 and a half years; multiple sackings from employment, violent relationship/friendship break ups, multiple changes of living accommodation etc etc…

I FEEL UTTERLY POWERLESS AND SICK WITH FEAR AND WORRY…

It is a year since my D27 partner threw her out of the home they shared when she was 6 months pregnant – I had watched her treat him atrociously over the 18 months she was with him, I tried to educate him as to her ‘problem’; I think it was a combination of terror [of the consequences] his immaturity/naivety that had him hold on for so long… too long a story to go into…

The last year has been spent trying [initially] to rehabilitate her in my home, police call outs, endless fights with authorities [Health, Social, Police etc] eventually she was housed and received minimal attention from CMHT [Community Mental Health]… beautiful baby boy born [now 8 months] violent break up with father/father’s family means NC at all there [and for the best!] D27 has 'sole parental rights' to baby... .

The last year has been traumatic, we [my son and I] have done everything in our power, including furnishing a comfortable home for her and baby, financial support, emotional support... .I have spent hours nursing, first her, then the baby [to give her a break]…. still trying to cut long story short… it got to the point where I could see that she was just abusing the help [as usual!] and I in particular was enabling her [she wasn’t using the “break” effectively] I was witnessing her neglecting the baby [perhaps rejecting] the torture of what I have endured with her has dramatically reduced my patience with her… I really thought the baby would ground her, and with our support would give her that purpose she seemed to be searching for… I must sound really ridiculous and awful, but her lack of enthusiasm to ‘parent’ her son came as a shock, and deeply hurt me – I am TOTALLY bonded with the baby… within 24 hours of her finding out she was pregnant, I took her to ante-natal and as we got in the car she said “you won’t be able to piss me off now or I won’t let you see the baby”; she 100% planned the baby, despite the father “repulsing” her? ... .she claimed to "desperately want something to love"

The pain of what I was witnessing came to a head 5 weeks ago, [the baby is on a ‘Child Protection’ plan/has been since pregnancy] I flipped during another one of her “break” weekends and returned the baby to social services [instead of back to her] with a letter stating why I didn’t believe she was fit [well enough] to parent him, why I could not continue my support [as agreed in the "Plan"] and I haven’t seen him since… she has told Social Services not to disclose anything about her and her baby to me or my son [their incompetence is another story!] believe me, I was desperate to have taken this action and had witnessed a lot.

I sought legal advice, and am advised to write to my D27 stating when I want contact; I would like to take him every weekend but the distance makes that impossible… besides, how I feel at this moment in time, I really feel that I cannot have contact with her [I haven't even got the heart to write to her], I know she is ill [but wonder how she can ‘turn it on’ in front of social care staff etc] she is a master manipulator; she has them convinced that I am the one with a "history of mental health problems" < a favourite of hers, which enrages me as SHE is the reason I am mentally ill... .

I can’t take it anymore, I really can’t – I am tempted to spiel out all the negativity I feel for her right now but I won’t…

I have wracked my brain as to how I can have contact with baby but not her [I don’t think she would object because she will relish the free child minding service so she can go off and ‘do her thing’] but there is no intermediary that can act as ‘go between’/pick up, and 'Children's Centres' do not offer suitable hours to me.

How do people cope with the worry for children/babies involved? I am deranged with worry, resorted to anti-depressants [which I think are making me worse] I pray day and night, read the ‘Serenity’ prayer, meditate …. sometimes the pain is too much, I miss the baby so much and the fear of her ‘parenting’ him almost tips me right over… I don’t know if it will be worse to have ‘access’ to him because I will probably start to notice damaged behaviour and that will make me worse… do I have to find the courage to walk away now before I get even more attached

I feel so guilty, I feel like I have abandoned him and should be ‘protecting’ him [as agreed in the Child Protection plan] but she makes that impossible…

I hope this makes sense, I feel out of my mind.

[UK Mum]

How do people deal with NC? Especially when child involved…

It has been years since I have written here, but I have spent many hours over those years reading … especially during a crisis, reading through the threads really has helped make me feel not so alone…

I do not want to make this a long post, so will just say that we have lurched from one drama to another in the last 3 and a half years; multiple sackings from employment, violent relationship/friendship break ups, multiple changes of living accommodation etc etc…

I FEEL UTTERLY POWERLESS AND SICK WITH FEAR AND WORRY…

It is a year since my D27 partner threw her out of the home they shared when she was 6 months pregnant – I had watched her treat him atrociously over the 18 months she was with him, I tried to educate him as to her ‘problem’; I think it was a combination of terror [of the consequences] his immaturity/naivety that had him hold on for so long… too long a story to go into…

The last year has been spent trying [initially] to rehabilitate her in my home, police call outs, endless fights with authorities [Health, Social, Police etc] eventually she was housed and received minimal attention from CMHT [Community Mental Health]… beautiful baby boy born [now 8 months] violent break up with father/father’s family means NC at all there [and for the best!] D27 has 'sole parental rights' to baby... .

The last year has been traumatic, we [my son and I] have done everything in our power, including furnishing a comfortable home for her and baby, financial support, emotional support... .I have spent hours nursing, first her, then the baby [to give her a break]…. still trying to cut long story short… it got to the point where I could see that she was just abusing the help [as usual!] and I in particular was enabling her [she wasn’t using the “break” effectively] I was witnessing her neglecting the baby [perhaps rejecting] the torture of what I have endured with her has dramatically reduced my patience with her… I really thought the baby would ground her, and with our support would give her that purpose she seemed to be searching for… I must sound really ridiculous and awful, but her lack of enthusiasm to ‘parent’ her son came as a shock, and deeply hurt me – I am TOTALLY bonded with the baby… within 24 hours of her finding out she was pregnant, I took her to ante-natal and as we got in the car she said “you won’t be able to piss me off now or I won’t let you see the baby”; she 100% planned the baby, despite the father “repulsing” her? ... .she claimed to "desperately want something to love"

The pain of what I was witnessing came to a head 5 weeks ago, [the baby is on a ‘Child Protection’ plan/has been since pregnancy] I flipped during another one of her “break” weekends and returned the baby to social services [instead of back to her] with a letter stating why I didn’t believe she was fit [well enough] to parent him, why I could not continue my support [as agreed in the "Plan"] and I haven’t seen him since… she has told Social Services not to disclose anything about her and her baby to me or my son [their incompetence is another story!] believe me, I was desperate to have taken this action and had witnessed a lot.

I sought legal advice, and am advised to write to my D27 stating when I want contact; I would like to take him every weekend but the distance makes that impossible… besides, how I feel at this moment in time, I really feel that I cannot have contact with her [I haven't even got the heart to write to her], I know she is ill [but wonder how she can ‘turn it on’ in front of social care staff etc] she is a master manipulator; she has them convinced that I am the one with a "history of mental health problems" < a favourite of hers, which enrages me as SHE is the reason I am mentally ill... .

I can’t take it anymore, I really can’t – I am tempted to spiel out all the negativity I feel for her right now but I won’t…

I have wracked my brain as to how I can have contact with baby but not her [I don’t think she would object because she will relish the free child minding service so she can go off and ‘do her thing’] but there is no intermediary that can act as ‘go between’/pick up, and 'Children's Centres' do not offer suitable hours to me.

How do people cope with the worry for children/babies involved? I am deranged with worry, resorted to anti-depressants [which I think are making me worse] I pray day and night, read the ‘Serenity’ prayer, meditate …. sometimes the pain is too much, I miss the baby so much and the fear of her ‘parenting’ him almost tips me right over… I don’t know if it will be worse to have ‘access’ to him because I will probably start to notice damaged behaviour and that will make me worse… do I have to find the courage to walk away now before I get even more attached

I feel so guilty, I feel like I have abandoned him and should be ‘protecting’ him [as agreed in the Child Protection plan] but she makes that impossible…

I hope this makes sense, I feel out of my mind.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[UK Mum]

ETA

Sorry, I forgot to mention that her brother [my son] has not been talking to her for around 2 months due to her "irresponsibility"... .the fact that he does not recognise her problems as a "mental illness" does not help matters but again, that's another long story... .

Just feel alone in all this, but do have a "Carer's Support Group" that I am attending weekly which I have just started.

[Rapt Reader]

UK Mum, I'm so sorry for all of this trauma 

Your situation sounds terrible, and I can understand your torment and pain. Having an 18 month-old grandchild myself, I know how I would feel in your shoes... .I'm glad you came back to this site, and have been reading; and I'm glad you've given us an update.

So at this time you don't know where your daughter and grandson are? Do you know that she has custody of him? It's been 5 weeks since you've seen either of them? You have no idea where they are? That must be terrifying, and I'm so very glad that you have found a Carer's Support Group; Al-Anon (whether she has alcohol or drug problems or not) would also be a supportive environment for you. And I do remember those days and nights where only prayer kept my sanity hanging by a thread, regarding troubles with my BPD adult (37) son... .

You aren't alone here, UK Mum; so many of us know so much of what you are going through, and lots of the members here have BPD daughters with children, and they will be able to commiserate with you and offer insights and advice... .Please hang in there 

[donnab]

Hi ukmum, I'm another uk mum and grandmother also. Your story is very familiar to me. Like you my daughter had a child and we provided a high level of respite and care to her but it wasn't enough my gd was being subjected to neglect and abuse. Social service were incompetent and it was made out that I was lying and my daughter should stop me seeing the baby. In the end other people started raising concerns and my daughter left the baby in our care. I submitted an application to courts for custody which we are in the process of. It's been an emotional nightmare. So much pain. I honestly couldn't have no contact as I was out of my mind with worry for my gd. We have put a lot of effort to deal with the craziness and come across well with the sws so we were seen as a viable option for my gd. If your gd is on cp it is very likely he would be placed with you if removed. Like me you probably have to bide your time. I tried to build enough of a relationship with my dd so I could stay in the baby's life to counteract the damage that was being done. I second alanon to help deal with the codependency craziness that develops in loving someone with BPD. I wish you strength and peace x

[UK Mum]

Thank You so much for your replies… it means so very much at this time.

I do have the support of a carer’s group and whilst they are invaluable at this time, I feel so alone because I feel my D’s [I pray for forgiveness that I cannot precede this with another D at this time] problem is quite extreme and out of the norm

As an afterthought, I should not have written in such a demented state as I didn’t make the post very clear… in answer to your post Rapt Reader    and to make things clearer…

An opportunity came for me to move counties when DGS was 4 months old, the plan was that D27 would follow me and I would provide childcare whilst she either worked, or re-trained at college [“a fresh start”] she is still living 209 kilometres away. The “plan” [which was also a part of the ‘Child Protection Plan’ very quickly fell apart [due to her behaviours] I found it crucifying to witness what I felt to be the rejection, neglect and emotional abuse, of the baby; I must specify, not all the time, I do believe she loves him [like you would a puppy and then get irritated when it doesn’t conform]her selfish needs come first ALWAYS no matter who it is.

donnab   and to update – I have received a letter from Director of Safeguarding [I don’t do myself any favours by refusing to deal with those I believe to be incompetent!] I  know D27 has these professionals convinced I am the one with the “mental health” problem, luckily I have a long running relationship with my GP [and others] who I believe will testify to the fact the my “acute anxiety and depression” stem from the problems she has caused me for many years, this letter [whilst somewhat ‘stonewalling’] does specify that due to my concerns, my DGS is remaining on the register [D27 hoped he would be off by Christmas/I will be vilified for that!]. I discussed the contents of letter with my ‘care support worker’ [National Mental Health Charity] and she is arranging to call Social Services in the New Year. I am hoping to be able to get access to my DGS [without initiating court procedures] via Social Services? it is a long shot, but I am hoping that they might? be able to facilitate ‘handovers’ < that is the big sticking point, there is just no one that can help [also I want it more on a ‘structured’ footing to spare the 'give an inch and she will take a mile'] and all ‘Child Contact Centre’s' I have come across only operate at weekends [distance makes weekly trips virtually impossible/I am seeking 4 days every fortnight]  I don’t think D27 will object [she will see it as an opportunity to ‘be herself’ for a few days!] God knows I tried to maintain contact [to remain established in DGS’s life] but she really is intolerable and as an incredibly fair minded friend of mine put it "she is selfish to the point of criminal", and I was torn because I was just ‘facilitating’   and ‘enabling’ the neglect, and I foresaw the problems that would arise when DGS became confused as to who was the ‘primary carer’ < hope that makes sense, I had a mini breakdown [not helped by complete mental and physical exhaustion] I was in a ridiculous situation, she was out and about living life to the full whilst I was killing myself looking after the baby, I do wish I could have found the strength to have behaved differently though.

On a plus, I made it clear in my correspondence that I would be willing to take the baby should the need arise, and they have replied "if there are any developments that require a change of living circumstances for your GS we have a duty to assess relatives for the long term care of *******" my only fear is  he may end up in their hands before he gets to me, perhaps I am being naïve but I am hoping if I establish a constant [as has been the case until 5 weeks ago] that I will be the first port of call.

In the meantime, I am literally praying that SS are monitoring DGS closely [I also copied in Police Child Protection into ALL correspondence with SS] I was advised to do this [by Police!] because they said it might ‘put a rocket’ up SS to know that they are aware of situation also.

I am able to monitor minimally via FB [she blocked me] not that it means anything, because FB is just a tool to punish the father of DGS, whilst he flaunts his new relationship in retaliation  

I have been in this situation so many times over the years, where all I have is my spiritual faith to cling on to, I pray so hard that God protects my DGS and that it doesn’t end in a similar phone call to the one I knew I would receive [when she stabbed the ex-boyfriend/not father of baby]

This place really does offer comfort, I am so grateful for this space.

I will explore contacting Al Anon, and really surprised to hear they might help, even though she does not have a drink/drug problem?

Sorry this is long, hope it makes some sense.

[js friend]

Hi UK MUM,

It saddens me to read your story about your GS. It must be breaking your heart not to see him. Im sure you have done your best, but often our best simply isnt enough for our pwBPD.And like you say they are able to turn it on and off for those in authority so they often dont see what we witness and experience every day.Just like my dd states to everyone in authority that we have never helped her do anything yet we have all  bent so far  over backwards to help her that  If we did anymore we would be raising her children ourselves! So far i have been  "punished" once when first GC was baby for not agreeing to give up my weekend to look after my GC,So as a punishment dd decided to go NC  for about a month. She wouldnt even respond to texts. i felt sick with worry for my GC and did some research about Grandparents rights.I wasnt going to give up contact just like that and through my research i I found The grandparents Association.They are an online support group  and are able to advise on many issues including raising grandchildren,relationship issues financial matters and access. I think they even  have details of national support groups too.

Hang in there Uk Mum someone somewhere willl eventually listen to you. Just keep banging on those doors and things will get sorted somewhere along the line.