If the co-parent blatantly lies, do you call them out on the lie

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 If  the coparent blatantly lies, do you call them out on the lie, or just let it go?

[rarsweet]

 If  the coparent blatantly lies, do you call them out on the lie, or just let it go?

[Turkish]

If  the coparent blatantly lies, do you call them out on the lie, or just let it go?

That depends. Can you give the example? The father of your baby seems a little odder and dysregulated than some Ex's here (the breast milk issue, e.g.).

It's early. You're only two months out. You're also in the process of detaching. It's a tough adjustment, and even more so with such a young child. If the lying results in something that may come out in court which you have to fight, then it may be something to document. He is who he is, and isn't likely to change.

[rarsweet]

Omg he lies about anything from something tiny like  he will tell me he fed her peas and write he fed her peaches in the journal to big things like he has never had a sitter for her yet he s been in court when she Is on his time so she is definately somewhere

[Turkish]

Omg he lies about anything from something tiny like  he will tell me he fed her peas and write he fed her peaches in the journal to big things like he has never had a sitter for her yet he s been in court when she Is on his time so she is definately somewhere

If you can document this, then at the very least it's being uncooperative. A lot of this goes back to whatever parenting plan is filed, and whether he is violating it. While we can establish boundaries, it's likely that he isn't going to get on board with you given his lying and dysregulation.

Mine likes to be evasive, like when she didn't call me until 5 hours later after D2 broke her collarbone on mom's time. She only called me on the way home from the emergency room. I never bought her lame reasons, in my mind, why she waited so long. Even though I helped her take care of D2 the next day, I still sent a BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly--- kind of, and Firm) email to her after the weekend, stating what happened, and telling her that she needed to call me right away for future injuries such as this.

Is this more about you are worried that he is neglecting or mistreating your baby, or more how it frustrates you that he lies and evades?

[david]

My ex left in 2007. I have come to the point that I assume ex is lying. I am correct at least 95% of the time. Because of that I parallel parent. It's much easier for all involved.

[NorthernGirl]

One thing I have tried to do is not call it "lying". At first I used to think DH's ex (uBPD) was lying on purpose -- trying to make things difficult for DH, me or the kids. But the more I read about BPD I realized that some of this had much more to do with her trying to manage her own fears and anxiety. Twisting the truth helps calm her down.

I remember DH's youngest realizing that his mom had said something that wasn't true. He turned to me with tears in his eyes and said "why would she lie?" It was tough to answer. But I tried to describe how sometimes people see and remember things differently and she may just not remember it the way it happened. After that we had to have several discussions with him about lying because he started doing it more and more to avoid getting in trouble. We delivered some consequences to help him learn that wasn't okay.

I have found that by not calling it "lying", I am less reactive to what she does. And as David says, some people with BPD do it all the time -- so if we got fussed every time DH's ex said something that wasn't correct, we would turn ourselves in knots.

Have a read about some of these BPD behaviours -- dissociation and projection -- and you'll see how these are common BPD traits that we would call lying in other people. BPD BEHAVIORS:Dissociation and Dysphoria and BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection .

We try to focus on only reacting to these types of things if there is some legal implication (DH will correct something that could be used in court, etc.) or something that can harm the kids. It's not always easy to do  but we give it our best shot.

[enlighten me]

My exgf does it all the time. Like you northern girl I believe it to be a calming mechanism. The other day I picjed my son up. He was very clingy and teary. I said are you tired and my ex imediately jumped in with "I doubt it. Yhis past week he has slept beautifully". I got him in the car still crying and by the end of the road he stopped. In less than half a mile he was snoring. He had a short nap and we then went on to do things. When we got in the car he fell asleep straight away. He slept for the thirty minute drive and I carried him into my parents where he clung to me and fell asleep again. I laud him out and he slept for another hour and a half.

Now maybe im wrong but I find it hard to believe that he had slept for twelve hours straight and was that tired still. I know in the past she has told me he was sleeping through but she had been going on fb at three in the morning the same time he had been waking when he stayed with ne. So if she was lying why? My theory is that as he sleeps through with me for eleven to twelve hours then she didnt want to be seen as not as capable as me. Dont get me wrong im not perfect but I know if you put your kid to sleep with a full tummy and clean bum and make sure they wont get cold then they sleep through.

so these little lies to me are nothing more than covering her shame at not being perfect.

[rarsweet]

Sometimes I take it personally which is probably wrong, it's like does he really think I'm stupid, but maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing.

[Turkish]

Sometimes I take it personally which is probably wrong, it's like does he really think I'm stupid, but maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing.

I think a lot of us feel similarly. Mine continued to lie to me about being in a r/s outside of our home for 4 months until she could move out. I called her out on it several times, but she continued to lie, except for one incident which she was caught and was forthcoming (then continued to hide and lie for two more months).

11 months later she continues to be evasive about some things. I never got the straight story on how D2 broke her collarbone about 7 months ago, insofar as why she waited 4 hours to all me (her bf was with her, in combination with the fact that she was afraid to tell me). Lawson, in Understanding The Borderline Mother, p.21:

":)istortion is an unconcious was of processing information that reflects the individual's reality."

"Some borderlines consciously distort the truth in order to prevent abandonment, maintain self-esteem, or avoid conflict. Others may lie to evoke sympathy, attention, and concern. From the borderline’s perspective, however, lying feels essential to survival."

Although we can all fall susceptable to distorted thinking from time-to-time, our world-view is not like that of a pwBPD. It's unfathomable to us how someone can think or behave like this, but this is the world of a Borderline.

My T finally stated something like Radical Acceptance, "I sense a lot of your anger is expecting her to be someone she is not." It's a tough pill to swallow when children are involved, but there it is.

[bravhart1]

Document what you can that seems significant. Maybe make notes on a calendar for later, they rarely remember their lies.

Also, for when you child gets older and asks about the "truth"... .We have been telling SD6 when things have come up and mom is clearly lying, that sometimes mommy gets mixed up between what is real and what she wished would have happened. If it's something negative then we spin it like its mommy getting mixed up between what's real and what she's afraid might happen. This seems to go down a bit easier on all fronts, SD6 likes she gets the truth in a way that makes sense and doesn't make her feel bad about her mom, and we feel good about not using SD6's wanting clarification as an opportunity to bash mom, like she does to us.