Keeping The R/S Communication Lines Open With Ex

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was angry the middle of last week when D2 showed up with a noticeable scratch on the bridge of her nose. I asked S5 what happened (thinking that he did it, perhaps), and he said that Replacement ("R" and him were playing with cars, and R rolled the car fast and it hit D2 in the nose.

Later at dinner, D2 said, "R hit me car. I crying, Daddy, I crying." She said it several times. I said, "I'm sorry that happened, baby, the boys need to be more careful when they are playing." I didn't blame S5 as such, since it was the "adult" who did it. I asked S5 was his mom said to R, and he told me that she told him to be more careful. Later that night, their mom texted me about something else related to the kids. I responded. Then I thought, what the heck, I'll ask, and texted, "what's the deal with D2's nose?" She responded, taking 15 mins to do so this time, "They were playing with cars. D2 was lying on the floor and a car hit her." Ok. 90% truth. She left R out of it, so I know she's still hiding things from me. I know things happen with kids, but it shows a lack of judgement to be rolling cars (these weren't hot wheels, but big models) on the floor so hard next to a toddler lying there. It had to have been very hard to roll past him fast enough to scratch her nose like that. I put some antibiotic ointment on the scratch (which was still very red), and that was that.

I was out of town for the weekend. Yesterday evening, my Ex calls me. D2 was upset because they were playing and D2 scratched her mom. Mom got mad and put her on a time out. D2 didn't like it, and started crying. "Call Daddy!" So they did. I told D2 on the phone that she knows better than to scratch her mom, after which she said, "ok, 'bye daddy!" So funny. She didn't like me supporting her mom. No problem. At the end, however, their mom told me in a way the real reason why she called me, ":)2 just kept crying, and I felt like she wasn't going to stop no matter what I did." So she called for a Daddy rescue.

Part of me wants to say, since this isn't the first time, "Ex, you need to handle what goes on at your house like I do at mine. Why can't you handle simple discipline better?" The other part of me says, "Though I resent being triangulated like that, it's better that they call me, rather than their mom getting angry and dysregulating, meting out verbal abuse or possible physical abuse towards the kids." I think the latter thought is the way I am going. It lets me know what's going on over there more, and of course I don't tell their mom the things the kids tell me. That's between the three of us, and it's my job to validate them and deal with it on my own.

[Turkish]

I was angry the middle of last week when D2 showed up with a noticeable scratch on the bridge of her nose. I asked S5 what happened (thinking that he did it, perhaps), and he said that Replacement ("R" and him were playing with cars, and R rolled the car fast and it hit D2 in the nose.

Later at dinner, D2 said, "R hit me car. I crying, Daddy, I crying." She said it several times. I said, "I'm sorry that happened, baby, the boys need to be more careful when they are playing." I didn't blame S5 as such, since it was the "adult" who did it. I asked S5 was his mom said to R, and he told me that she told him to be more careful. Later that night, their mom texted me about something else related to the kids. I responded. Then I thought, what the heck, I'll ask, and texted, "what's the deal with D2's nose?" She responded, taking 15 mins to do so this time, "They were playing with cars. D2 was lying on the floor and a car hit her." Ok. 90% truth. She left R out of it, so I know she's still hiding things from me. I know things happen with kids, but it shows a lack of judgement to be rolling cars (these weren't hot wheels, but big models) on the floor so hard next to a toddler lying there. It had to have been very hard to roll past him fast enough to scratch her nose like that. I put some antibiotic ointment on the scratch (which was still very red), and that was that.

I was out of town for the weekend. Yesterday evening, my Ex calls me. D2 was upset because they were playing and D2 scratched her mom. Mom got mad and put her on a time out. D2 didn't like it, and started crying. "Call Daddy!" So they did. I told D2 on the phone that she knows better than to scratch her mom, after which she said, "ok, 'bye daddy!" So funny. She didn't like me supporting her mom. No problem. At the end, however, their mom told me in a way the real reason why she called me, ":)2 just kept crying, and I felt like she wasn't going to stop no matter what I did." So she called for a Daddy rescue.

Part of me wants to say, since this isn't the first time, "Ex, you need to handle what goes on at your house like I do at mine. Why can't you handle simple discipline better?" The other part of me says, "Though I resent being triangulated like that, it's better that they call me, rather than their mom getting angry and dysregulating, meting out verbal abuse or possible physical abuse towards the kids." I think the latter thought is the way I am going. It lets me know what's going on over there more, and of course I don't tell their mom the things the kids tell me. That's between the three of us, and it's my job to validate them and deal with it on my own.

[Nope]

At this point with the kid's ages helping your ex with proper discipline when invited to do so coild be a good thing. At least for now when ex is willing to take the help it's probably in everyone's best interests to do what you can.

My one caution would be for down the road. In my case, my SS is the "all bad" child. His BPD mom would call DH and complain about things that SS supposedly did and ask DH to yell at him. DH caught on pretty quick that sometimes SS didn't do what his mom said he'd done or had done something but it was being distorted into something much worse. Since DH couldn't trust his ex's judgement and since SS wasn't free to be honest over the phone, DH stopped trying to intervene. But I think a large part of what created the dynamic was that she wanted DH back at the time and wasn't seeing anybody at the time and so she liked the feeling of DH supporting her negative view of SS.

[Turkish]

That's a good point, Nope. I'll keep that in mind. I've seen her periodically split the kids, though not badly so far. There were a few male devaluing comments made to then S3 when she was still living with me (and a few directed towards me in front of then D1). The kids won't be immune from it, since I've seen her do it to her brothers, too. I guess the good thing is that it's when she's triggered, not a constant behavior. You are right to point out that I could be used as an instrument in triangulation. I need to be aware of being supportive as a co-parent, while also seeing the truth of whatever situations come up as best that I can.

As for communication overall, I had to hear about S5's fever from his grandma (Ex's mother) and older brother yesterday when I picked up the kids. I'm thinking of sending an email asking her to please update me in the future. Sometimes she's good about this, and sometimes she drops the ball for whatever reason. We're supposed to be doing this per the stipulation, not to mention that it's common sense.