She broke my heart... once more.

[Kevrive]

I'm in a complicated and difficult to define kind of relationship with my BPD friend in wich sometimes it feels as if we're getting somewhere beyond friendship and other times she retreats for a while because she needs her space to be alone and stuff. That's not a problem for me as I accept that we all need to spend time alone.

Lately she's been in her retreat and like 2 days ago I saw a pic she uploaded in a social media that has triggered me to assume that she is being with someone else. I know that we're not in an actual relationship but it made me feel betrayed and upset and feel she is not being honest with me. She knows I'm in love with her and that she doesn't feel sure about her feelings, and I am always trying to motivate her with trust and honesty so she could feel safe to tell me anything. It seems that is a hard thing for her when it comes to expressing what she feels.

I feel mad and resentful on her and don't want to talk with her for some time, and am thinking about giving it some time to see if what I am assuming is real or just an "assumption", or if in reality she is struggling and using another person's affection to escape from feelings of abandonment or something... .or, to let this whole relationship dissolve in the past.  :'(

I'm not exactly looking for advise on leave her or not, just wanted to express how I feel and maybe get a reality check. But I'll still receive any advice, opinion or information with open arms and love.

*slap me in the face please* 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[OnceConfused]

Sound like your relationship is only a one way street here. You love her but she does not feel the same toward you. Based on what you wrote, I have the feeling that you have been trying to forge a relationship where it does not exist.  Perhaps she just wants a friend and nothing more. If you want more than a friendship then perhaps you need to seek it with somebody else.

If you truly are about trust and honesty then why don't you sit down and ask her point blank whether the relationship can proceed beyond where it is. You have to be ready to accept the reality for whatever it is.

[Kevrive]

Most of the time in this relationship I feel like I am the only one giving. She normally don't like talking to people and likes to be alone a lot of time. She rarely is the first one to text me or to invite me to go out. Some days she even holds my hand (even one time in front of her overprotective mother) and acts like we were something more and other days is just like good friends. And that is what makes me feel confused.

She even told me she wanted to give me something for valentine's day, and the other day she couldn't go to my cousin's birthday party because she had her period and had a lot of pain and she told me "I'm gonna make it up to you". Nothing of that is necessarily a sign that she wants something more than a friendship with me but it has building it up in my mind. I think the best I can do for now is giving myself some time out to clarify my mind of negative emotions. This can't keep like that, I have to break this loop where I keep falling for her, she seems nice and to accept my love and then she breaks my heart.

Thank you for your words of truth, OnceConfused.

Peace!

[PinkPoker]

Hi Kevrive

I had to send post something because you sound in a very similar situation to me... .  I am female and my uBPD friend and I haven't spoke now for a couple of months... .;-(

Like you I was always confused with the signs and the fact other people even noticed and said he liked me.  He treats / treated me different to all his other friends.  I believe this is because he does have an emotional attachment to me and is scared.  He started saying I was his best friend and on several occasions how he keeps people at a distance but I've got under his skin.

I'm not saying your friend does like you as anything more but if you can ask her sometime to sit down and talk to you. I know with mine this is near impossible. He can't express himself in a healthy way. At the moment I'm blacker then black because I said to him I didn't think he cared about me. Ironic really.

He also doesn't text or phone first and I use to almost chase him but now I've learnt to wait for him and eventually he does call or message... .I think this is related to fear and rejection again.  Does she give you the silent treatment? Mine blocked me on a messaged program but not fb.  Since we haven't spoken he's been doing passive aggressive status updates which can only be aimed at me. So even though he's with a girl he's still trying to get a reaction from me!

I don't know what to suggest as I'm struggling myself.  It's so hard isn't it? I hope you manage to find the answer in time. Sometimes space and time is a good thing. It's given me heartache but so much time to look back and reflect on 'us'.  Good luck

[Kevrive]

Hi PinkPoker

I'm glad and a little bit relieved by the fact that I hear about someone being through a similar situation as me. It is indeed a very hard situation I can tell.

In the time I've known my friend we have been in those situations multiple times, we've been not talking for months several times but then we finally get to talk and get things cleared and continue with our friendship.

It confuses me because of the reaction her family has over me is like she talks about me to her family (that makes me assume that I am important to her in some way). Apart from her closest family no one knows about her condition but me. She tells me what she is thinking and how she feels. Most of the time we spend together she seems pretty functional and she understands her condition at some point.

At this moment I don't want to talk to her since I feel hurt. By the way, she is hard to find as we live 15 miles away and she has social anxiety which makes it difficult to get a chance to talk to her. She never texts first neither calls, she it takes days or weeks sometimes for her to answer my texts and almost never answers my phone calls. But when the times comes, we will sit and talk about our feelings.

I always try to understand and accept those things about her even when I get mad and upset with her.

And yeah I learnt that as well. Sometimes I catch myself chasing her but when I realise it then I stop doing it and wait and she eventually will call or message. Since we live far from each other and I don't have a car, and she normally don't like to talk much to people I never know whether or not she is giving silent treatment. In the internet is harder to know.

I am sorry if your partner makes you feel he doesn't care about you. I know how does that feel.

Sometimes we need to take a time out to reflect on the situation and stabilize our emotions.

Good luck to you too!

[thepenguin]

*slap me in the face please* 

No one should be blaming you for anything, nor should you be slapped. You deserve to feel what you are feeling!

[PinkPoker]

Hey Kevrive,

I have a bit of a update on my situation but firstly I just wanted to once again say how nice it is to relate to someone who seems to be having the same difficulties as I am. Your friend might live 15 miles away but mine might as well do for the time I see him.

Your friend must really trust you to tell you things that she doesn't tell anyone else.  About a year ago I became close to finding out the truth and we had the most wonderful conversation but as he said on that day to ask what I wanted to ask then because he wouldn't be like that very often. Which he hasn't!   I'm not sure with you friend but with mine I never know which 'person' i'm seeing on a particular day.  He's very up/down cold/hot with me... .

I think they want us to want them - we need to make the calls, send the message. Partly because if they do first and we don't reply it triggers them.  Has your friend ever blocked you?  Mine did on Whatsapp but not FB.

So the update; he stopped talking to me two months ago because I said I didn't think he cared about me hence the blocking. Unlike most people we couldn't just talk about it!    So... .friends kept asking if we'd made up yet. 

So on Thursday I knew he'd be in a certain place so I went along and confronted him. Oddly he didn't shout at me but it was very strange.  He kept contradicting himself.   One minute he was saying he was in love with a girl, then love was just a word. I said to him if he was happy with her I was happy for him and he said 'it's okay for now'.    He made out it was all in my head and that he hadn't been ignoring me, how I read into things too much... .  Then how he's dealing with one thing at a time and he believes in fate.   How my friends were jealous of 'our' friendship.    Then he mentioned an argument we had 6 months ago and how I didn't correct people!  It was a really odd conversation.

I may (stupidly) messaged him the next day and took responsibility for everything. Which I know is a big NO NO but I'm doing it partly to see if my validation would get us back to how we were. Which proved right - he was all nice and friendly to me like old times yesterday; offering me his top to wear but I also noticed him watching me - wants to know where I am or what I'm doing... .    My ex said my 'friend' was obsessed with me.

So we'll see what happens about the girl but as much as I care about him I can't let him always think whatever happens it's always my fault.

I wonder if you like me wish you didin't care?  My life would be so much simpler if I didn't give a crap about him!

Sorry for the long post.

[Infern0]

Most of the time in this relationship I feel like I am the only one giving. She normally don't like talking to people and likes to be alone a lot of time. She rarely is the first one to text me or to invite me to go out. Some days she even holds my hand (even one time in front of her overprotective mother) and acts like we were something more and other days is just like good friends. And that is what makes me feel confused.

She even told me she wanted to give me something for valentine's day, and the other day she couldn't go to my cousin's birthday party because she had her period and had a lot of pain and she told me "I'm gonna make it up to you". Nothing of that is necessarily a sign that she wants something more than a friendship with me but it has building it up in my mind. I think the best I can do for now is giving myself some time out to clarify my mind of negative emotions. This can't keep like that, I have to break this loop where I keep falling for her, she seems nice and to accept my love and then she breaks my heart.

Thank you for your words of truth, OnceConfused.

Peace!

Stop 100% of your foward momentum with her.

Do not text first ever again

Do not call first ever again

Do not spend hours on the phone to her

D not be avaliable all the time.

You are doing everything wrong in terms of building attraction, and you won't get anywhere this way. At the end of the day you haven't crossed over from friends into anything more, she's just giving morsels to keep you on the hook.

Sorry to be brutally honest but this is how it works in general, if you have ever heard of the "friend zone" that's where you are.

In this case do not sit down and talk about your feelings or act upset etc. Just get busy with other stuff and begin to reduce her importance to you, dont be rude or anything, always keep it fun and upbeat but you need to make her work for your attention instead of just waiting for her to call and then talking for hours etc.

It works in two ways because one is it might make her more attracted to you or two is well at least yu might meet someone else and she wont have such a pull on you.

[Kevrive]

Hi PinkPoker

First of all, thank you for sharing your situation and empathizing with me. It seems it is a similar situationto what I've been.

I have to say that my situation has some updates as well. We haven't talked for sometime, I just ignored her last message on february 14 she saying "happy valentine's day". I didn't reply because I was feeling very upset with her because she is with another person. I know (assume to know) because I've been stalking her Instagram which I know is very inapropiate of me, but still it made me feel unloved.

I know she do that because she desperately wants to feel loved so she goes with anyone who might meet her needs. She unintentionally hurt the ones she loves.

And yeah she blocked me once, but was because I unfriended her first. That was in a very confusing time of our relationship. After a long time we haven't talk I decided to text her and started talking, I invited her over my place to watch movies. So when we were in my bedroom watching one movie we were very close and I grabbed her hand and cuddled for a while (no sex). Then we went to the backyard to smoke some cigarets and talk about us and after some minutes later I kissed her (for the very first time) And she told me that I was the one and that she wanted to try again with me. But then after that I didnt' know anything about her for a month. She nearly dissapeared. I texted her multiple times, even gave her time for herself. When I finally decided to go to her place (walked all the way to her home) she didn't want to see me so I got all upset and though that I never wanted to see her again or know anhything about her anymore so when I got back home I unfriended her and blocked her on every social media. It seems she noticed and then she blocked me on fb. The next day I was a little calm and decided to unblock her from tumblr and saw a post she made that she wanted to die and other stuff like that. That made me feel even worse, guilty of her pain, so I went again to see her and she let me in and we talked for a while and cleared things. But that was three or four months ago.

Now, I sent her a message talking about how I feel because it makes me feel trapped in a loop. We've had multiple situations in which we stop talking for weeks, even a month or more sometimes. So I finally told her what I am feeling, I still feel confused on whether we stay as friends or break up. (Not that she was my gf) I was friendzone all the time, she just uses me to get some affection to scape from the feelings of lonelines and abandonement. It's sad  :'(

I can empathize with you deeply. It is hard to understand what you are to them or what they feel for you because even if they share some intimate info with you and have lots of good times the next day they might do the same with another person. They may even tell them what they told us "you are the only one who understands me" "you are different", etc.

F**k yeah some times I do wish I didn't care in the first place.

It is exausting emotioanlly, I feel very drained. I have lost motivation in a lot of things I like and want to work.

Hope you could understand your friend better and can get to a solution convenient for both as I hope the same for myself and my friend.

Peace.

Hi Infern0

thanks for the "brutally honest" response. I actually think is a good advise. I'm not so good at creating attraction normally I am the one who falls with someone. I have tried the things you say but I always end up feeling upset and even guilty for "abandoning her" and end texting or calling her first.

This last time I decided to text her because I don't like to leave people in "space", at least I wanted her to know that I feel resent on her and whatever happens next I will acept. If we keep our friendship I will do my best not to call her or text her. I will not sacrifice anything just to see her or to share a moment with her but is not that I will necessarily never have contact with her again, just reduce it to the point I no longer feel the need of her affection.

Thank you all for sharing your points.

[Kevrive]

I almost forgot.

What really makes me resentful with her is the fact that she is not honest with me. We started (kind of) going beyond friendship but slowly she was stepping back, while I noticed that, I didn't know exactly what she feels, if she wanted to continue or stop and keep just as friends. Maybe it was my mistake of not sitting with her and talk this matter straightfully. Although it is still hard because we talked sometimes about it and she just said she didn't want anything with no one and that she feels confused, but then again, I see her later flirting with someone else. If she just got the courage to tell me the truth she don't want to have that kind of relationship with me without feeling bad of hurting me. But, well, maybe it was my mistake in part because I keep pushing sometimes and am always the one going forward.

I know also that she is having trouble with getting over her last reltionship. She even one time threatened to attempt suicide because of it and her mom had to hospitalize her for 4 days. I guess it was always my mistake for diving into impossible waters.