What Does It Mean To You To Be A Step-Parent?

[Turkish]

I have my own ideas, and truth be told, I may be in this position someday due to my age and place in life (I'm thinking a Brady Bunch type thing, minus the maid, and that horrid station wagon). I don't want to assume anything, however.

Since there are so many of you here, I'd like to hear your views on how the relationship between you and your step-children.

How did you first integrate into a new family?

If you have your own children, were there any specific challenges or issues surrounding the kids on both sides accepting each other?

What is your role in child discipline?

Were there limits asked of you regarding discipline and physical affection (the latter may be more applicable to step dads)? If so, how do you deal with this?

Lastly, how much of a disconnect was there between your expectations, and the reality of how things are working out?

[SlyQQ]

Thats a long story for me Turkish the one thing i would hazard is dont have any expectations ( I am zen on this one )

[Swiggle]

My DH's ex calls us the F'ing brady bunch and my situation is very much what you are asking about.

How did we integrate as a family? DH and I were friends for several months before we dated, during this time our kids met a few times and we did things together because it was fun since the kids are roughly the same age. DD11, SD12, DS7, SS7.5. We did parks, zoo, amusement parks, picnics, movies that kind of stuff. Once he and I started dating spending time together with the kids became for frequent and we were open with them that we were dating. Prior to this neither of us had introduced our kids to anyone we had dated. A year went by and while we had hiccups along the way the kids got used to each other, to the other parent and while they all wanted their parents back together they were comfortable with our situation.

A year later DH and I talked about marriage and shortly after we were engaged and had started plans to build a new house. We were living apart at the time and made certain up until the engagement that we didn't live together. There were a few times that we slept (with the kids) at each other's place but never together in the same bed, it was usually him in one room with his kids and me in another with mine. A few months before our house was going to be ready and a few months before the wedding we decided to move in together.

The kids did really well, we had issues but we faced them when they were happening. I was already seeing my T and my kids were seeing their own T, DH's kids were not. Around all of this time their uBPD mom started to amp things up. She was saying alienating things to her kids about us and we were having some pretty major issues so we took his kids to see my T. Mom attended some of these meetings as well, but insisted her kids were not messed up and didn't need T... .she only went a handful of times and eventually stopped taking them. Because this T knew me and them she really helped us with blending our families. She talked about what is normal stuff and gave us strategies on how to handle it when things would come up. I highly recommend for any blended family to seek out a T that is well trained in family systems and that deals with that kind of thing.

My role w/ his kids... .his role with my kids? I consider his kids as I do my own, maybe that is a little easier because they between 4-8yrs. DH also considers my kids as his own. We really let the kids set the tone for how each relationship is with each us. I often struggle because I see the my SS craves the kind of motherly attention that I give my son. He has mentioned several times how he his mom doesn't do xyz and it makes him sad. When he is with us he turns to DH for that kind of bond, affection/attention. DH does the best he can but I think there is an element of it not being his mom. I feel guilt sometimes that I can't feel that or provide that to him. My T says that is TOTALLY normal, that there is a different kind of biological bond between a mother and child that would feel different from that of a bond with a step child, adopted child and so on. Her and I have talked about ways for me to strengthen that bond with my step kids so that I can be there in the capacity they want/need and that we are all comfortable with. I will never replace their mom, nor do I want to but I strive to be a role model that they can rely on... .even if it is the motherly type role. DH acts in a very similar way to my kids and practices the same types of things. We are mindful of not making the kids feel any kind of loyalty bind, although I think it happens sometimes because of the circumstances but truly believe it is their other parents that bring about this bind. In the beginning if any of the kids were feeling jealous, also very normal, we made sure to validate them and talk about how big our hearts are and how we have enough love for everyone. We were careful not to give in and feel like we had to do the SAME thing for everyone so that they didn't feel left out... .that was tough sometimes. When those things would happen we would validate and not JADE what we did and they seemed to learn that we wouldn't just give in because they were feeling jealous.  Our boys have grown to think of each other as brothers... .they annoy and fight just as normal brothers would do. My girls are close, not as close as I'd like but the are both hitting the teen years (lord help me) and I hope that their relationship only grows stronger.

DH and I both discipline each others kids just as we would our own. Our motto is that we are our own little family, we respect, care, show kindness and love one another and every is treated as part of the family. We don't use physical forms of punishment and both DH and I have given punishments and corrected all the kids. Again that aspect may have helped that the kids were younger when we met. He and I never wanted us to be two separate families living in on house, we wanted to create something more united. The kids have embraced this, giving some of the turmoil that happens at the other parent's house I know our kids feel relief when they are all together with us. There were no limits given on either me or DH, we always do what is best for the kids... .most of the time at the disagreement of the other parents. Again we kind of follow the kids lead. For instance kids calling me mom or DH dad. SD and SS call me mom to my kids but usually don't do this when I'm around unless it slips. My kids dad is a little more involved with my kids so I don't think they have the same thoughts toward that as my step kids do. They think of my DH like a dad but don't refer to him as that and that's ok. We have all had the conversation together about they should call us whatever they are comfortable with. I've let my SD and SS know that I will never take mom's place and I don't want to but if they are comfortable with and want to call me mom I would gladly accept that they feel strong enough and close enough to me to think of me in that way. I also stress that in no way do I expect/demand it. DH has/feels the same with my kids.

Not all blended families would work this way. I know many who do live like two little families in one house and that's ok. I really wanted to create a family unit that became and extension of the families all the kids already have. A place they felt safe, loved, respected and could grow together in an environment that they contributed to. At one point my SD took my kids last name and her last name and combined them to make a name that was inclusive to all of us... .it really melted my heart. We have had our moments, we've hit lots of bumps and we continue to have to stay ahead of the alienation things the other parent do when it comes to the kids but our little family has far exceeded my expectations. I wouldn't have it any other way. My DH asked me not so long ago if I would have dated/stayed with him had I know how difficult his ex was, I told him if I had know then I probably would not have stuck it out... .I'm really glad I didn't know because it has turned out to be something really awesome. I have a great man and two more awesome kids. He and I wrote our own wedding vows and both of us had a part in there about the kids. We also continue to show that kids that we aren't just in their lives because we wanted to be with each other, but that we chose them when we chose each other... .it was a package deal!

My uNPx has a fiancé. She was introduced to my kids a few short months after he and I divorced, it was really really hard at first. I think most of that was due to the fact that he and I had recycled and continued to recycle during the few short months after that. It was devastating knowing she was getting to experience things with them that I was missing out on. I wondered if she would replace me, would they love her more, would they not want to spend time with me and all the other crazy things that go through your mind. But I found my footing and realized that I would rather they have her in their life than a person who didn't treat them well. I realized that I was solid in my parenting and relationship with my kids and that NO ONE could change that. It still sucks when they do things when with dad and his fiancé but it isn't because it is with her... .it is because I'm not there to see them and experience that thing with them. It took time for me to work through that! I just keep my focus on what is good for the kids, I feel that some parents (especially not so healthy ones) have a harder time doing this. They feel threatened by the step parents in their kids lives and do/say whatever they can to keep control. 

Sorry that this was long. It isn't always easy but if you meet someone with kids and you are both on the same page with expectations then I think it makes things smoother. Things like are you both willing to involve a family T if the waters get rough, are you both ok disciplining and having boundaries with each other's kids, are you both in agreement with who does what, are your family values the same in raising kids. Those are the questions you would want to ask. I feel like if you aren't on the same page with one of the these important topics it could make things tougher.

[LazyAtoms]

How did you first integrate into a new family?

DH and I got married about 6 weeks ago, and he and SS8 moved in around the same time.  DH has a waif uBPDex.  My exH is a non, and he and I have an amicable co-parenting relationship.  ExH and I have 50-50 custody.  Initially following their divorce, DH and uBPDx had 50-50 custody, but due to her constant emotional meltdowns, suicide attempt and refusal to take SS8 to school when he was having separation anxiety (due to her melting down), he took primary custody.   She didn't fight it, although she loves to complain that DH "took SS away from her".  Mainly this is about money.  She had SS for one dinner night a week, and then every Friday evening until Sunday evening until recently.   She took a swing shift job and moved quite a ways away (completely unnecessary, but she insists she had no choice, not true), so now she only has him every other Saturday morning through Sunday evening. She never calls him and rarely texts him in between visitation time.   But according to her, SS is her entire reason for living.  Yeah, whatever.  

So DH and I are just getting used to our shared family life.  For the most part it is going ok.  I am dealing with my own resentment at DH's uBPDx.  This will sound terrible, but the only comfort I had about not having my own kids with me all the time, was that DH and I could have lots of free time together.  Now, thanks to uBPdx's horrible parenting skills that will never happen.  I know deep down that this is SO much better for SS8, and I would not change that for anything, but I am still having a hard time letting go a little bit.   SS is a good kid, but it makes me miss my kids when he is there and they aren't.

If you have your own children, were there any specific challenges or issues surrounding the kids on both sides accepting each other?

DD10 and SS get along famously.  DD10 has lots of sibling rivalry and issues with DD12, which have been happening for years.  They have very different personalities, and DD10 finds DD12 annoying and is very impatient with her.  DD12 is a sweet and loving child, but has significant ADD. DD10 is gifted, very sophisticated and feels she is superior to DD12, and always finds things to criticize her about, which is something we are working on.  SS is friendly with DD12, but sometimes will join the bandwagon if DD10 is arguing with her.  For the most part, they get along well without major issues.  They were all introduced about 2 years ago, about 6 months after DH and I started dating.

What is your role in child discipline?

I leave that to DH.  SS is VERY attached to DH (understandably, he has been his rock through all this).  He likes me just fine, but is a very slow to warm up kid, not affectionate, and does not initiate a lot.   Most adults who have met SS find him a little socially odd due to his lack of response, but he is great with other kids, and once he is comfortable is quite chatty.  Not really emotionally communicative though.   If he is being too loud, or destructive, I will ask him to stop, and that has been fine, but the heavy disciplining is for DH to do.  I don't imagine that changing.  I don't particularly want to take that role on.



Were there limits asked of you regarding discipline and physical affection (the latter may be more applicable to step dads)? If so, how do you deal with this?

No.  But not an issue since SS is not affectionate anyway, and DH handles discipline very well himself.

Lastly, how much of a disconnect was there between your expectations, and the reality of how things are working out?

On some level, I think I was hoping that SS would be a little bit different kind of kid.  I feel terrible that he has such a crappy mom, and part of me thought maybe I could fulfill that for him, but I don't think that will happen.  He is difficult to connect with emotionally, and there isn't much feedback from him.  This makes it hard for me to feel attached.  I care about him a lot, and want him to be safe and healthy, but I don't feel super attached yet.   Like another poster said, I just don't feel toward him like I feel toward my own kids.   On the other hand, he doesn't seem particularly enmeshed with his own mom either.  She is kind to him, but not really involved in his life at this point.  I think he loves her, but isn't super interested in more time with her anyway.  I think this is because DH is SO involved and in tune with SS's every need... .I think SS is getting the vast majority of his needs met with DH.  Overall though, things are going well.  DH and I have a wonderful, communicative relationship, and are very supportive of each others' needs and concerns. 

[Thunderstruck]

How did you first integrate into a new family?

DH and I didn't have much say in how or when SD10 found out that he was dating me. uBPDbm made sure to tell SD10 that the reason daddy moved out was because of his new girlfriend (not true) and claimed he was cheating on her with me (not true) and called me all sorts of names. Then uBPDbm withheld visitation for ~4 months when she realized she couldn't scare me off. I finally met SD10 when DH and I had been dating for 6 months. I was surprised, despite all the nasty things her mom had said about me and her dad she was very friendly and happy. In the beginning it was easy, all I had to do was be fun and play games. As time went by (and DH and SD10 moved in with me) I assumed a more step-mom role.


If you have your own children, were there any specific challenges or issues surrounding the kids on both sides accepting each other?

I don't have any of my own but we are currently expecting. We haven't told SD10 yet (too early).


What is your role in child discipline?

DH is kind of passive, and I was raised in a more strict environment where my mom was the disciplinarian (and dad was passive) and that's kind of how it works in our house. I will usually be the first to say ":)on't do this" or "Clean up that". We don't usually have to discipline any more than a stern talking to (which both DH and I participate in) or taking away dessert priviledges. When SD10 is having an emotional meltdown we send her to her room.


Were there limits asked of you regarding discipline and physical affection (the latter may be more applicable to step dads)? If so, how do you deal with this?

Not from DH, he fully supports our discipline and affection. uBPDbm may not like it, but it's hard to tell what she actually thinks. She claims we are abusing SD10 with our discipline and we're "too mean". There is little discipline at uBPDbm's house. When DH and I were engaged uBPDbm told SD10 that I was not legally her stepmom.

There was a time that SD10 was saying she didn't need to do what I said because I was "not her mom" (I think she was parroting something uBPDbm said, or pushing boundaries). I told her at school she has to listen to teachers. In daycare she listens to the counselors. In our house it's DH and me. In her mom's house it's her mom.


Lastly, how much of a disconnect was there between your expectations, and the reality of how things are working out?

There have been a lot of challenges. In general society views a step-parent as a figurehead and they don't have any legal rights regarding the child. I think by default most people think mother is the ultimate authority and dad/stepmom are second class citizens. This is insanely frustrating when you are dealing with an unwell biological parent and your side has to pick up the slack. I don't know what it would be like in a "non" co-parenting situation. I guess I would take the backseat more often.

Building a relationship with a child is difficult, and it was made even more difficult with the parental alienation. There were times her uBPDmom would work SD10 over so she would hate DH, there were times where uBPDmom would work SD10 over so she hated me. I cried over that several times. It felt very unfair to put so much time and energy into a child just to have her hate you. Luckily that was only temporary. Now SD10 is happy and so very loving. She is secure and feels loved by us.

[Nope]

How did you first integrate into a new family?

DH had pretty limited parenting when he and I started dating because his kids lived with their mom three states away. I met them when they visited a couple of times for holiday breaks from school and I joined DH out for a couple of visits to their state when DH would go out for a one weekend a month visit he was entitled to if he could afford the trips. I spent a lot of time playing with them and over the second summer I took each kid for separate fun activities to build one-on-one relationships. But I was a lot more just a fun adult until DH got custody. But by then the kids and I had a good base for a trusting parent/child relationship.

If you have your own children, were there any specific challenges or issues surrounding the kids on both sides accepting each other?

I don't have my own children. As a matter of fact, I never wanted any. Love, and the comfort of home and family sucked me in. DH and I decided that getting these two kids grown up and heading in the right direction is going to take everything we have so we won't be having any of our own.

What is your role in child discipline?

When DH isn't around, I'm in charge. Though sometimes I do call him for his thoughts and guidance. We always back each other up, but we also communicate really well about how we think things should work in our house.



Were there limits asked of you regarding discipline and physical affection (the latter may be more applicable to step dads)? If so, how do you deal with this?

Discipline limits are more about what requires a discussion. Grounding, for example. Length of grounding is discussed, but either one of us can ground the kids. Or send them to their rooms. Or give orders and expect to have them followed. I told DH up front that if I was going to take point on a bunch of kid-related expenses and responsibilities, then I needed a reasonably equal voice in discipline and he was fine with that. I'm what you'd call "the default parent".

Lastly, how much of a disconnect was there between your expectations, and the reality of how things are working out?

I don't think I realized DH's ex would drive me quite this nuts *after* we got custody. Before we got custody her behaviors were pretty enraging, but I'd just be irritated, document stuff, and then go on with my life. Now there is the added, 'I'm raising your kids because you are incompetent, please kindly shut up.' factor. So now I get irritated, sometimes document stuff if I have the time and energy, and try not to total wear myself out bbeing a full time mom. Because with their BPD bio mom living three states away with visitation limited by the court because of her behaviors I'm fully filling the role. A role that I always knew was so hard that I didn't want kids. But am now finding out that it's just that much harder with two kids who've spent the first ten or so years of their lives in a very damaging environment. Fortunately, I have a great T, DH is an amazing man, and even when the kids are being awful I can feel how much they really need me.

I thought being a full time step parent was going to mean a whole lot of social awkwardness because of society's ever-present view of the mother as the primary caretaker. But that is a double edged sword for those bio moms. I've found that simply stating that I am the step mother and their bio mom lives in [Other State] is enough. The simple fact that the kids are now living here instead of with their mom seems to tell people everything they need to know.