and thanks for sharing. No apologies necessary.
Sorry I start so many topics but I need help! I have read the LESSONS above here and ever time I learn two conflicting ways to deal with splitting. 1) listen and validate make sure they are heard; 2) hold the borderline responsible for their behavior. What to do? I friend 'broke up' with me in a letter in a blaiming and projecting way, do I have to respond so she will come back one day? But I also want that she sees she needa to work on herself get therapy.
Do you want her to come back 'one day'?
Just a caution, it's wise to not try to change anyone else. If you are attempting to change her, you may be walking a path of disappointment... .it isn't in your control.
What you do have control of is YOU. It's not wrong to want to share your feelings about the relationship with her, in fact, I'd say it's a healthy thing to do. But if you respond to try to justify yourself or defend yourself from her words, it will likely get you nowhere... .pwBPD see these words as an attack on them, and typically don't respond well.
I would suggest using lots of 'I feel... .' and 'I see... .' in your response to her in an attempt to simply state your case and not get into the blame game that she seems to want to play.
And, well, I hope it helps with your confusion, but here's an example of how you can validate, and listen, but still hold the pwBPD responsible for their own behaviours.
My BPD husband (BPDh) of ten years says, "I can't go to the family reunion, I've got too many responsibilities to get done here. I'm staying home." I know him well and know that he is only saying these things to either suck me into having an argument with him about why he should go, or he is scared of the emotions that will arise if he does go. Either way, I don't agree that him that staying home is a good thing.
I can still validate his feelings, "I see where you feel too overwhelmed with everything on your plate to go and I'm sorry things that have piled up so high for you."... .And I can hold him responsible for his words by letting his 'decision' to not go stand, and go to the reunion alone. Does that make any sense? It's hard to describe in a reader's digest type way, but I hope this helps.
Validation does not mean you have to agree, only that you hear what they are saying.