Triangulation and relationship with other people...

[empath]

About a month ago, uBPDh was having difficulties related to some stressful events in our lives that required us to work together on something. He refused to try to work with me and ended up triangulating with another person. I was asking him to work with me as well and was cautioning him against bringing the other person into it. That other person became increasingly uncomfortable and urged us to work things out between ourselves. Then, that person decided to bring in someone else to be a buffer between him and us.

My question is: my relationship with the original person is now strained and I am feeling like I need to repair that relationship. I feel like I need to apologize, but I'm not sure what part I have responsibility for. I was in the position of authority, and H refused to acknowledge that.

How do I go about restoring the relationship with the other person?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[eyvindr]

empath,

Sorry you're going through this. It can be very frustrating to try to manage any relationships when BPD gets thrown in the mix. It can feel like you can start out intending to make hot chocolate, and wind up with salted dried fish.

Hard to really respond, as your description is somewhat vague. A lot would depend on the situation itself, or course -- but also on the nature of the other people involved (siblings, friends, in-laws, colleagues, professionals, etc.) as well as the pre-existing dynamics of those r-ships. Does that make sense?

On the simplest level, you could try simply apologizing. But it sounds like you may be feeling that you don't really have anything to apologize for -- which could very well be the case. Can you provide more detail?

[empath]

I can give a bit more detail about the situation.

The context is ministry within a church where H and I are both leaders -- I am in a pastoral staff position, and the third person is also a lay leader. My prior relationship with the third person was appropriately supportive. We have been part of this congregation for about 2.5 years. Immediately prior to this situation, we had a meeting with this person in which we went over how we could all work together.

In the situation, I was trying to work with H and cautioning him against bringing things to this third person; I knew that they were becoming increasingly anxious about how things were going. H ignored my efforts, deciding that he needed to have another person involved.

[KateCat]

empath, it sounds as though you have several difficult issues in your marriage. Is there anyone you can be completely honest and unguarded with in discussing those issues? Maybe someone outside your church community? A professional counselor for just you?

[empath]

Finding someone who is not connected to H is difficult. As far as professional counselors, H is currently seeing a T, and our finances really don't allow for both of us to have counseling. I'm not sure what my 'therapeutic goal' would be in counseling; I think at this time, my greatest need is just for support. I have been doing some research on what resources are available in our community, and I have some connections that I can ask for a referral, if I need something more.

For the time being, things seem to have settled down a bit. H is trying to be 'nice' to me -- and doing okay with it. It is going to take a while before the marriage is 'okay' again. I'm working on things related to me -- and kind of ignoring the 'wet blanket' that H can be sometimes about trying to improve relationships. I've been advocating for myself and for those in my care from a position of strength and taking initiative.

[JohnLove]

Hello empath, sorry to hear this happened to you. If it is support or validation you need I hope the members here can be of some assistance.

BPD is a horribly complex illness. Almost nothing goes to plan long term. You and I both know your husband should have turned to you for support and to work through things. This is my definition of an intimate relationship. It's not just exclusive sex. Your husband should not have bought someone else into your relationship by revealing intimate details nor should have he without your consent. If the pair of you got to a point where you really struggled and could not make progress then you may have agreed about A third party who preferably was just a little impartial or professional. If you were going to involve someone from church or a friend he better have some record of being a helpful person in these circumstances.

But now you have four people involved in a problem that should have only taken two to resolve. Do you apologise?. What for?. Did you do something wrong?. Maybe you should make it clear to this friend that you did not desire the imposition posed on them and did not consent to it?. Healthy relationships or friendships have a way of working themselves out given time.

I would have suggested your husbands T may have been the best person to resolve an acute situation in your relationship (if you agreed with this) at one of his regular appointments.

Cost should have then not have been an issue.

I appreciate you position of strength and initiative. It is a good place.