Frustrating triggered morning for me

[formflier]

Well... .things have been really good for a week or two.  Even someone close to us would never thing there is anything amiss.

Yesterday... .helped my daughter move her horse... .it was enjoyable... .but physically taxing.  Horse doesn't like to load... .daughter hasn't had time to work with the horse for a while.

So... aches and pains and tired.  Wife let it be known she wanted to fool around... .I tried to deflect it some... gently... .then gave in... .after Ibuprofen and a hot shower... .  She seemed very appreciative... .I thought it was a good thing.

This morning... with the spring forward... .things were rushed to get to church.  I made some changes that she had requested in my morning routine... .basically to stay out her way in the bathroom.  She didn't acknowledge that at all. 

She leaves for church before me and I usually bring most of the kids.  So... she leaves and then it becomes obvious that my oldest daughter isn't coming... .even though I had gotten here up and told her she was coming... .and how much time she had left (due to the rush). 

When I questioned her... ."mommy said" I didn't have to.

So... I try to get the kids I can in the van and my oldest son (that is still living in the house) was the last out the door... .I had told him I was waiting on him... .he said he was getting dressed.

When I went back in to try to hurry him up... he now says he doesn't have to go because "mommy said".  I had earlier informed him he was going as well... .(we normally all go... .although sometimes people try to drop out because tired... .etc etc_)

Now the dog is in the house... .and won't leave (outside dog).  I asked my oldest daughter for help... .and thought she was putting him out.  Nope.  Asked my 7th grader... .(he apparently took him out and dog somehow got back in... .)  So... .I get left ejecting the untrained dog that won't listen to me... .and now have hair all over my Sunday clothes...


Guess who is back in the house... .I'm assuming just for the weekend.  yep... .the kid my wife was saying she was going to move in.  I get in van and he is causing a ruckus with whatever is on his phone.  I had to ask him/tell him  3-4 times to shut off the noise. 

Get to church... .they don't have diaper bag for baby.  Have to go home and get that.

So... since my wife is at church... .I leave kids and come home to chill out and prep for my trip for interview.  Texted her to call if she needed help getting kids home.

She shows up and home (apparently wasn't going to stay... and leave me there with kids)... .and yells at me for not letting her know that I wasn't at church.  I informed her of the text... .she says she doesn't have her phone and i should know that.  Lots of stomping around the house saying that she means nothing to me and if her name was Sarah I would have acted differently.

She is currently now at church... .I'm packed and ready to go. (I have an interview tomorrow)

My plan is to see if we can have a productive conversation when she gets home... .but if blame starts... I'm out of here... .and will clean up this mess later.

ff

[Notwendy]

It just sounds like a chaotic morning with the time change and getting everyone ready.  It is frustrating and it is no wonder you were frustrated. It's easy to forget something the kids need when everyone is rushing.

FF- to me, much of the issues is the disconnect in your style of parenting and your wife's style and miscommunication between the two of you as to who's going to church, who is taking who.

The mom in me is thinking that with all those kids- the diaper bag should be packed and ready to go the night before and placed at the front door. This was just a crazy morning, and you forgot it. Those things happen, which is one reason I had diapers everywhere.

In addition, a spare is in each car. It doesn't have to be a fancy nice bag- but one with diapers, wipes, spare clothes, plastic bags for wet ones, and snacks.

Then, a discussion about who goes to church, who stays home, under what circumstances. If mom and dad have different rules, kids will do just that- "but dad said" "but mom said".

Otherwise it just sounded like a crazy morning- which can happen with families.

I'd let the Sarah comment go... .although I'd be tempted to come back with a retort like "ok, can I have a second wife then?   but don't.

[NGU]

Formflier: Hope you can mentally recover before the interview.

"ok, can I have a second wife then?

I feel bad about this, but when things got really tough a few months ago, that's what I was thinking. And I was shocked to feel that I wouldn't have any guilt about it. There had been no intimacy for months, and I was starting to get extremely frustrated and... .um... .peckish. I actually looked to see if there was a SAA meeting somewhere so I could talk it out, but just knowing there was a group nearby did the trick. Some days, it's all I can do to push down the urge to leave. But I know that feeling is temporary.

[Cole]

Sell this to one of the networks, it would make a great sitcom plot!

Glad you were able to keep it together after the morning you had. I would have been in a bad enough mood by then to take the bait on the Sarah comment. Good job.

Is Sarah an ex wife? I get the ex wife and high school girlfriend (last saw in 1986!) tossed up a couple times a month with the same type of comment, "If I was so-and-so you would ... ."    

[Grey Kitty]

Well... .the triggers sound like the normal chaos of herding all the cats in a family that size to me... .

It sounds like you've done about all you have the energy to do about it right now... .

... .and don't have any left to deal constructively if (when?) your wife becomes argumentative and invalidating to you.


All I can say is put your own oxygen mask on first--make sure that none of the kids or animals are getting injured and give yourself as much space as you need to find some peace. 

When you are feeling more grounded, put energy into validating your wife more... .probably after your interview, possibly well after it.

[Notwendy]

I was assuming, since it was church, that Sarah was a biblical reference.

Sarah thought she was not able to have children, so she suggested to her husband, Abraham, to take on another wife, so he could have an heir, which he did. According to Jewish and Christian traditions, that second wife situation didn't turn out so well... .

Sarah is an honored figure in the Bible which is why I assumed this is why she brought it up to FF. Since having more than one wife was accepted in those times, I thought well, that could be a snarky retort but don't really say it.

[NGU]

I usually bring most of the kids.

I don't even need to know how many kids you have. I think that portion of your sentence says enough.

You need immediate props for the amount you are juggling right now. Looking past any of your own possible problems you might be bringing to the table, you are a much better person than I am.

[vortex of confusion]

My plan is to see if we can have a productive conversation when she gets home... .but if blame starts... I'm out of here... .and will clean up this mess later.

If you are getting ready for an interview, do you think it is wise to try to have a productive conversation?

Can you validate her feelings and say something like, "I know you were upset at what happened this morning. I would like to talk about it when I get home from my interview."

It sounds like you are hanging on by a thread because of all that you do. Keep yourself in a good head space for that interview. Good luck with it!

[Notwendy]

I agree that I have to hand it to FF to getting the kids up, dressed and out of the house.

[formflier]

 

Interview was next day... .I was going to leave on a trip... .and I didn't want to leave on a bad note.

We had an ok talk... .and talked about it in MC on Tuesday.

She was very minimalistic about it... .she "just got mad".

We did get to have some discussions about "theory" of arguing... .which I plan to keep pushing.

My style... .If I get upset... .I will tell you about my feelings...

Wife's style... .if she gets upset... .she tells me about my feelings (and get it wrong).  Very rare that in the "heat of the moment" that she "owns her feelings"

Some awareness and promises to do better about this... .still some "my feelings are your fault" stuff coming from her.  However... .it was a productive conversation in MC.

Also was a productive conversation on Sunday afternoon before I left.  She did get to the point where she saw that my actions had nothing to do with her... .

Also had a decent conversation in MC about not assuming actions are about you... .that the majority of time she says I am doing something for the sole purpose of angering her... .I have not even considered her... .one way or another.

My goal... .out of the MC talk is to move in a direction where I "get upset"... .and I tell her about my feelings... .and if she gets upset... .she tells me about her feelings. 

No chance to argue... .most likely will get a compassionate or empathetic response from me... .since she has not invalidated me... .and I have not invalidated her.

Fingers crossed we can make progress here.

She is not fessing up to using another woman's name... .so... .I dropped it.  But... .99.9% sure she was not talking bionically.  The tone, style everything else about the delivery was like when she is bringing up a name of one of the women that I am after... .or are after me.

Sigh... .

In other news.  Nailed the interview.  It was second interview with same place.  I'm 1 of 3 candidates.  Seems like a good fit to me

[Grey Kitty]

  Hope you get a job offer out of it!

We did get to have some discussions about "theory" of arguing... .which I plan to keep pushing.

My style... .If I get upset... .I will tell you about my feelings...

Wife's style... .if she gets upset... .she tells me about my feelings (and get it wrong).  Very rare that in the "heat of the moment" that she "owns her feelings"

Remember where you have influence and where you don't. That is YOUR role in both versions. Here are some ideas:

If you get upset... .think seriously about whether your wife will be receptive to your feelings AT THAT TIME. And think about if you are capable of presenting them to her in a way that she can be receptive to or not.

Owning and acknowledging your feelings is great. Sharing them with your wife may or may not be helpful depending upon circumstances. (Think about prior outcomes of this, good and bad)

If your wife gets upset and tells you about your feelings... .what can you do?

Hint: Telling her that she is wrong about your feelings will invalidate her, and nothing good will come of that when she's already upset.

My recommendation is refuse to engage under those circumstances. A boundary of not listening to her telling you about your feelings might be appropriate. "I will not listen to you tell me what I'm feeling." (end of conversation) Gives her an opportunity to step back and ASK what you are feeling... .wait for her to ask.

[formflier]

 

Yeah... I hope I get an offer as well... .


Yesterday went ok... .one conversation was odd and triggering for me... where she proceeded to inform me of how I like to be on the computer... .that's what I do to relax... .etc etc.

She wasn't upset... .mad... .or at least it didn't seem so.  We were working out what I thought was some normal parenting stuff about which kid was doing what... .and our expectations.

This morning went south quick. 

Some relation to previous day as kids didn't do what we talked about... .as a result of not "paying attention" to what they are doing with the dishwasher... .several parts of it got broken or degraded... .result was dishing piling up and what they were trying to wash... .wasn't getting clean.

Wife was a little bit in high warble over this... .saying I should get someone to fix it (we have a warranty).

This morning... .she sleeps in until 10 or 1030 (no idea why... .).   So I handle kids and investigate the dishwasher. 

As I suspected... nothing was "broken"... .but all kids of stuff was in there that shouldn't be (grass, paper, the list goes on... .clogged stuff up)  Wouldn't be covered by warranty... .so... .I spent a couple hours fixing/cleaning it... .the baby helped.

Good grief... .when I say baby... .she is almost 2.  Time flies.

Anyway... .she stomps downstairs.  Starts banging around sorting things in drawers and "instructs" me about the tupperware being in the wrong place and that where I put it was the "lazy ass way of doing things... ."

Very first words spoken to me in the morning... .after a hard and frustrating morning... .

I tried to speak to her in a kind voice... .let her know dishwasher was fixed... .and that I would like to talk to her in few minutes when she had time... .

"I don't think that is a good idea"... ."I can't put up with you starting your bs (she said the long version of bs)"

At that point... .I was triggered  (I should have left room on first slam of drawer... .or tried a tool or something)... .words were exchanged... .and she kept harping that "nobody can correct me (ff)"

I finally wised up and exited the room.

She was "venting" in the room... .talking loudly to herself.  I (unwisely) went back in room to get a portable phone... .so I could go try to be productive... .  I ... of course... .couldn't leave it alone and asked her who she was talking to... .she started yelling about how she was talking to herself and would like to be left alone to do so.  I left room.


Anyway... .one of the "tools" we have been talking about in MC is passing notes to each other.

Later on I went down and handed her a note... .apologized for raising my voice and let her know I would like to speak to her when she felt like it.

We'll see... .

I definitely feel "off my game... ."  hard to express.  I remember in the past that I was successful about letting stuff slide off me... .I've certainly advised others to do that... .for some reason... it's not working anymore... .

Sigh... .

[Grey Kitty]

  Tough day. You will make it through.

Meanwhile... .time for a little radical acceptance of yourself.

You always do your best in situations like this. Some days your best is better than it is on other days. This is one of the "other" days. 

I try to cut myself some slack and be mindful that I can't handle conflict well some times... .and that the BEST I could do at those times was avoid handling it badly.


Your mind and heart will be in a better place to deal with her later.


And when you want to talk and she says something like:

"I don't think that is a good idea"... ."I can't put up with you starting your bs (she said the long version of bs)"

Please believe her and help her--She is doing the best she can at the same thing--avoiding handling a conflict in a bad and hurtful way with you.

[formflier]

 

She responded to the note... .the talk went better than I thought it would.

I was able to stay calm and express myself... .good.

She struggled... .did lots of eye rolling... .huffing and puffing... .

Said she felt "fine" (yeah... .said it "that" way).  Basically she didn't want to talk about how she felt.

I wouldn't be able to do any justice to a word for word or anything close... .here is quick summary.

I thanked her again for bringing up the concept of invalidation (several months back... .no idea where she got it... ) and that we should strive to avoid doing this to each other.  I expressed that we had made strides and that I invited her to let me know if she thought I was telling her what her feelings are or otherwise saying her feelings are wrong.

That I was on edge and hurt over unsolicited comments from her yesterday about my enjoyment of working on my laptop or computer.  She basically said it was my biggest joy... .and was something I should give up for lent.   It was especially hurtful for me because we had a couple of conversations lately where I told her I couldn't stand the sight of it... .and went for days without touching the computer. 

Basically and "you like it... .no I don't thing". 

No empathy or apology or any of that from her. 

I asked her that in the future if she wanted to discuss my enjoyment... .or non enjoyment of something... .to ask about my feelings first... .rather than put me in a position of having to disagree with her about my feelings.

She huffed about this and stomped out... .saying she had to go... .and that she wasn't going to ask... .because behaviors are plain to see.

Sigh... .


I asked and she did say that we could talk more later about this.

[Rapt Reader]

I used to stand on that hill in the past (my Husband telling me what my own feelings were), and get my dander up and defend myself.

Now I just use Validation:

"I can see how you might see it that way (or feel that way)... ." and then remove myself from the conversation.

Or if the situation requires it (if the Validation alone doesn't calm my Husband down), I might expand it to S.E.T.:

"I can see how you might see it that way (or feel that way)... .

I might feel that way, too, if someone did that (said that, looked at me that way, used that tone of voice, used the laptop when he wanted attention, etc.).

I wasn't trying to annoy you (hurt you, anger you, etc.); I had to send that one email and then got distracted... .(or whatever the offense was about)"

I realize that my Husband will sometimes look at my behaviors differently than I do, and I don't take that personally anymore. In fact, the Validation isn't even hard anymore; knowing how his mind sees things, I know immediately when he's dysregulated over something why he is hurting or angry. Validation these days nip it in the bud before it gets worse than just an initial dysregulation in him, and things calm down quickly.

I don't seem to need to make his misreading of my feelings or intentions a battle hill to die on anymore... .I'm pretty much more interested in helping him not feel hurt about the situation.

[Cat Familiar]

My recommendation is refuse to engage under those circumstances. A boundary of not listening to her telling you about your feelings might be appropriate. "I will not listen to you tell me what I'm feeling." (end of conversation) Gives her an opportunity to step back and ASK what you are feeling... .wait for her to ask.

Very good suggestion, Grey Kitty. It drives me batsh!t when my husband tells me what I'm feeling and HE GETS IT WRONG! Then of course, he refuses to hear me out when I try to tell him how I really feel (JADEing).

[Cat Familiar]

That I was on edge and hurt over unsolicited comments from her yesterday about my enjoyment of working on my laptop or computer.  She basically said it was my biggest joy... .and was something I should give up for lent.   It was especially hurtful for me because we had a couple of conversations lately where I told her I couldn't stand the sight of it... .and went for days without touching the computer. 

Basically and "you like it... .no I don't thing". 

No empathy or apology or any of that from her. 

I asked her that in the future if she wanted to discuss my enjoyment... .or non enjoyment of something... .to ask about my feelings first... .rather than put me in a position of having to disagree with her about my feelings.

She huffed about this and stomped out... .saying she had to go... .and that she wasn't going to ask... .because behaviors are plain to see.

Sigh... .


I asked and she did say that we could talk more later about this.

I'm having a hard time with this, formflier, because it is delving into personal territory of who you are and what you do and to me is terribly invalidating. If you were to be so focused on computer related things that you didn't do your share of household tasks, that would be a different issue. But it seems to me that your wife is putting you on the defensive for being you. And that's not OK. Maybe I'm missing the point, but I don't think you need to defend something that you enjoy and it certainly is not her business to tell you what you should give up for Lent.

[formflier]

But it seems to me that your wife is putting you on the defensive for being you. And that's not OK. Maybe I'm missing the point, but I don't think you need to defend something that you enjoy and it certainly is not her business to tell you what you should give up for Lent.

Yes... that is a good way of saying it.

Maybe another way is that she is insisting that her "version" of me... .is the correct one.

She had brought up the lent subject earlier... .it seemed to me that she was "offering up" that the family should turn off the TV for lent... .focus more on family conversations and all of that.

I loved that idea... .and I think my wanting to act on her idea was what got this on her mind.  (I'm guessing here... .so... could be wrong... )

What I think she was trying to say is that since she enjoys tv and I do not (I actually enjoy it... .but this wasn't invalidating to me... .) that I had to do something that "counted" for lent.

Since "all I do" is be on my computer and that "is what I enjoy"... etc etc that is what I should give up.

My reality is that during my job search I have spent tons more time on my computer over the past few months than I normally do.  I'm sick of looking at it.  I've been absent from these boards alot because I'm tired of staring at a computer screen and have been busy doing non-computer stuff (nothing against you guys!  It's the computer... not you)

Anyway... .we've talked about my feelings on "my job" looking for a job... .and how I'm tired of the computer... etc etc

So... that is most likely why if felt so bad... .so invalidating to me... .

Because... .I do enjoy watching tv... .I would miss it... .  Granted... .I don't watch much of it.

Anyway... .update on things.

She sent a decent text to me saying she understood about the feelings thing ... but didn't want "every observation of hers to be wrong... "

We said via text we would spend more time together last night.

I asked her after kids went to bed if she was coming up to bed.  She said she would be up in few minutes.

This morning I found her asleep on the couch. 

I asked her if she was feeling ok... .she didn't respond.

I asked her if she wanted to go on a walk with me.  She asked what time it was.  I told her.

So... I'm heading out to enjoy a walk this morning.  Try to get some positive momentum going on my day.

Trying to have the attitude that whatever she has going on is not going to affect me.  I know I need to get my armor built back up... .stuff has been getting to me that normally doesn't.

I'll try to respond to other comments later today

FF

[Notwendy]

IMHO, giving up the computer for lent would be counter productive. People use the computer now for everything- communication, work, and your job search. It would be like giving up the telephone. Yes, you enjoy it, but it has become an essential in modern day life.

To me, personally, giving something up should be challenging, but doable, and something that you can do without - and not cause harm to your livelihood, since that is important to the family survival.

[Notwendy]

My take on your wife's behavior is that it has to do with control. It seems a bit passive agressive- saying she is coming to bed with you to avoid a confrontation and then, sleeping on the couch. Since I don't know her, or the whole of it, I may be way off here.

One reason people can do this is when they feel powerless themselves, such as she feels controlled or powerless in the r/s. Another reason is that this is how some families operate- by not being direct with each other- and so they act in passive agressive ways- which is what they learn to do as adults.

[formflier]

 

I'll come back to the other comments later.

Went on a walk... .enjoyed it.  Walked in the door and she is on the couch under the covers.

She waits... maybe 10 seconds... .and as I am hurrying to the bathroom... .says "where have you been?"

I say... ."on a walk... .I've got to pee... .I'll be back in a sec... "

So... as I'm in the bathroom... with the noise of my tinkling going on... she is yammering on about something.

I walked back into the room and she is quiet.  I tried to relate something interesting to her that I saw during my walk... .she gave a "never thought of that response... .never had that happen" (I had seen someone... that looked exactly like someone else... doppelganger thing)

Anyway... .she says... .so this entire time you have been walking?  (me... yes)  Did you stop and talk to anyone (me... no)

She gets up and stomps out of the room... .flings some words back over her shoulder on the way out... ."I don't believe you... .and I don't care... ."

Into the bathroom to start taking a shower... .I'm upstairs eating a bowl of cereal.

typing away.

No triggering for me in this instance... .she expressed her opinion... .I decided not to fling any words back.

[formflier]

 

After shower... she comes up to room... .I initiate conversation about logistics for getting to our kids play at school today.

We work that out and then she goes over the walk again.

So... I was walking the entire time... .(yes)

I didn't talk to anyone (no)

Did I go anywhere and hang out (no)

Did I stop along the way so that it would take a long time and make her suspicious (no)

So... you are telling me that you walked slow because you are hurting (yes)

I then said that due to some of the physical projects around the house... .my back and legs have been hurting more than usual... the walk help loosen them and that they did loosen up some... .but I needed to stretch a bunch

No triggering on my part... she seemed calm.

There was a pause for a good minute or two and she moved about the room.

I asked her if she had any thoughts about how to handle a possible discipline issue with our 7th grader.

He has been playing with matches... .apparently... still sorting this out.

She says... ."its sort of like how you always keep booze in your trunk when you were a teenager"

No idea if this was a provocation... .but I didn't bite and indicated to her that I didn't understand how that was relevant

to how I deal with our child this weekend.

She doesn't respond.

She starts to leave the room... .and I asked again if she had any new thoughts on how I should handle him... .what we should talk about this weekend when I spend time with him.

She now goes back into stomping out and flinging words over her shoulder mode... ."you didn't like my idea... .so we're done talking... "  stomp stomp stomp

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like it has been some tough times... .and you sound like you are getting back more into your groove and you are doing better now.

Back to Lent... .I've never done that practice, so perhaps I don't understand it... .but I'm wondering... .

One adult telling another adult what they should give up for Lent? Really? Seriously?

I thought it was a personal thing where you chose what you wanted to give up for your own spiritual journey, for your personal reasons. (My favorite story... .an old friend of mine long ago decided to give up underwear for Lent... .probably in high school... .her mom was PISSED, but couldn't do anything about it  )

If it is different for you, your household, or your church, never mind me... .but I did want to check on that... .because it just sounded like nasty controlling behavior that you shouldn't accept.

[formflier]

 

We walk to the school to see the play.  She walks 10-15 paces in front of me the entire time.

On the way back she walks about 5 paces in front of me.

I stayed at even gate the entire time.

Some brief and pleasant conversation about the schedule for the weekend... and now she is in the kitchen doing something... .and I'm up here typing.

I am in much better place today than yesterday.  She said yesterday that she wanted to talk more about the "invalidation thing"... but that didn't happen... .she seemed avoidant and then slept on couch.

I will test the waters today during nap time to see if any conversation is possible... .let alone that one.

I seem to be in much better place today than yesterday... .my guess is she is "testing" me

[formflier]

My take on your wife's behavior is that it has to do with control. It seems a bit passive agressive- saying she is coming to bed with you to avoid a confrontation and then, sleeping on the couch. Since I don't know her, or the whole of it, I may be way off here.

One reason people can do this is when they feel powerless themselves, such as she feels controlled or powerless in the r/s. Another reason is that this is how some families operate- by not being direct with each other- and so they act in passive agressive ways- which is what they learn to do as adults.

Yes... .I agree this could be PA... .my understanding of PA is that it also has to do with intent.

She used to regularly accuse me of being PA... .when it would come up during counseling the counselors were trying to get me to be less direct... .less aggressive. 

I really have no idea how to counter PA behavior... .or if there is an appropriate counter.

[formflier]

I used to stand on that hill in the past (my Husband telling me what my own feelings were), and get my dander up and defend myself.

Yeah... .I'm trying to figure out what is worth "fighting for"... .and what is not.

Stomping around... .muttering in another room... .in fact a lot of the behaviors are ones that I can see myself dealing with ... .long term.

I realize that I can't... .and even shouldn't have a relationship that is "all my way... "... .but I'm trying to figure out which behaviors are movable to a better place... .and which are not... .and which are worth trying over.

Separate argument over how best to try to move behaviors that I care about. 

Anyway... .I'm sure I care about being told about my feelings.  It's worth a lot of effort on my part to make it better.

I've had success getting other behaviors to a better place... .I'm hoping that persistence will pay off with this effort.

Rapt,

Was there a turning point for you... .where you gave up the fight... .or changed tactics?   

FF

[KateCat]

Would it make sense for your wife to feel powerless and controlled because of the involvement of therapists with the family? Could she feel that you are responsible for this?

I think you are doing really, really well under tough circumstances. But also wonder if your wife has been able to process her feelings about the family events of the past year.

[formflier]

If it is different for you, your household, or your church, never mind me... .but I did want to check on that... .because it just sounded like nasty controlling behavior that you shouldn't accept.

Love the story!

Yeah... I'm feeling better... .even though my body is still grumpy... .the walk did a world of good for my thinking.

We haven't made lent a big deal.  Wife brought it up... .I thought I was going to be supportive and pick something as a family... .or as parents.

But... .honestly... .I consider myself a conservative Christian... .yet I've never regularly given things up.

I don't think my wife has either... .

No underwear... .    

Anyone dare me to propose that to my wife?    

[Ophelia71]

I can understand a frustrating trigger emotions. A couple of days ago. I am hard of hearing so naturally I do not hear everything in spite of getting new hearing aids. I accidently left my bathroom sink water on and it overflowed in onto my floor. My husband started flipping out, yelling at me, and calling me names. You see he really over reacts terribly because he thinks the worse of everything which I think it stem from his PTSD, not the BPD, but sure that combination is no help. So what was running through his mind is that the water could have hit our wiring downstairs and that I "ruined" the hot water tank. Then he added that the light was flickering. I always know that he goes overboard and exaggerates to make me feel bad than I was already feeling. The thing of it is, I have become so immune to that, it had turned into anger. While he was flipping out at me, I told him to leave and to leave me alone. I was not going to talk to him while he is acting this way. Once he was calm and he realized the extent of his anger. He comes in to our bedroom and seen me crying. He hates seeing me cry. He did apologize to me. He knows he needs help but will not go see a therapist. I am grateful that he recognize his issue, but I really wish he sees someone to be able to control his outrageous anger. I told him I love him, but do not love the one part of his brain that controls his BPD. I told him that part is the Ass Syndrome that I can't deal with, he hugged me tighter. I try really hard not to invalidate his feelings, but ugh I have my own issues. I do not like being yelled at. I was abused as a child, was in a verbally abusive marriage in my first marriage, and thank god he does not act like that all the time, but when he does it is so hard. I am looking at having surgery for my back and I know this will trigger his emotion because he does love me, but cannot handle any suffering or pain I may go through. It is hard on him. Right now we have a dog that is dying of cancer. He cried at the thought of losing her, he wants to save her. Seeing him be like that is the reason why I love him, because deep down I see the goodness and kindness in him.

[formflier]

Would it make sense for your wife to feel powerless and controlled because of the involvement of therapists with the family? Could she feel that you are responsible for this?

I think you are doing really, really well under tough circumstances. But also wonder if your wife has been able to process her feelings about the family events of the past year.

It has been a while since my wife has said she feels controlled... .my guess is that she still does but doesn't want to "help me understand"

Most of the time that phrase calms things down and we get to better place.

When she is a saying that I am the controlling one... .and then her explanations point to her being controlling... .or she has to explain why she "had to" control... .she will try to avoid having those conversations.

One thing that seems to bug her is when she gets an idea... .and I end up being the one liking it. 

I was not a fan (initially) of the Family Therapist or the way my wife got me there.  Turns out to be the best thing for me and my family.  She was all for it when the focus was on me... .or the family... .but when the focus turned to her role in things... she was not as positive about it.

She has said several times in MC that she is happy with "the place" her family is at now and seems to honestly recognize that we are in a better place. 

One interesting thing from this post.  I'm not sure that I understand what my wife "processing her feelings about the past year would look like... ."

Hmmm

FF