Hi RoseB,
I've been with my BPD girlfriend for a year. She lives at home with her parents and sister. They have no idea about her disorder because she is a completely different person around them and keeps long sleeves on to avoid them seeing her severely scared arms. Around them she is well behaved, friendly and polite, but with me and others BPD hell is unleashed. She has a strange relationship with them due to past child physical abuse that I think they are regretful of. Anyway, things have been extremely bad. She tried to kill herself in the university toilets and a week later tried the same thing again. She also forced the uni staff to stay with her otherwise she would leave (threat to kill herself). She has been kicked out of University now for being a danger to herself and others. The police have been involved a lot.
Things are so bad and her family have no idea. She wants to keep it that way. But I feel that I have to deal with everything on my own. She's 22 and immature for her age, she's still like a teenager. Does anybody else have experience of the family not having a clue? And what's the best way to deal on your own? She's showing no signs of moving out and away from them. I'm struggling with the double life aspect. Her family are the ones who abused her, yet they get the friendly nice side of her.
it is very, very difficult to look into another family. My personal experience with two pwBPD partners taught me one thing: You don't know until you are able to look real close. If you look around in this forum - the surface of dysfunctional families is deceivingly smooth. I doubt that the family does not know about her problems but they may well choose to look the other way. At least in the past they will have noticed something - your GF would not be hiding things so systematically if they had not. Who knows what games are played behind closed doors.
You wrote that her family caused the problems in the past. What makes you think they could be part of the solution? The fact that she is behaving - as far as you know - at home is a sign that there are strict boundaries in place. It might be quite possible that there is a tyrannical NPD running the family. The fact that she is not leaving might be based on fear, unstated threats and an enmeshed victim-abuser relationship. NPD-BPD relationships can be fairly stable.
Of course the family could also be generally ok with a few problems as any family. The family might have learned in the past to put in place strict boundaries and provides a supporting safe basis for her life. The childhood abuse may be exaggerated through her over-active BPD emotions.
You likely don't know and that makes it problematic to approach her family. But what you know is that she is able to contain herself provided there is enough structure around her. As abuse victim she needs tender loving care. But she clearly needs boundaries as well.
Another problem with drawing her family into this is that it is a form of triangulation. That sort of approach has a tendency to lead to drama (
Karpman triangle). She may be better served by you providing a stable basis that is independent from her family.
But I feel that I have to deal with everything on my own
The dynamic in the relationship with her is between you and her. PwBPD act very, very context sensitive - read up on splitting. Short of her changing in general through therapy or maturing somehow not much will help you substantially other than changes you bring about through boundaries and communicating with her better. Splitting means she can be one person with you and another with others. Her abusing you may allow her to express her anger sufficiently to play conforming daughter at home. The situation is complex and it is really tough on you . Likely it will take a while to fully see through what is going on.
And what's the best way to deal on your own?
Maintaining your own support system is vital! The
LESSONS contain the key workshops with skills to handle a BPD relationship. It is a lot and it takes time to sink in. It takes practice to make it work - there is no shortcut to skill learning but discussing your problems on the board can accelerate it. Have you considered a T for yourself?
