BPD ex girflriend has cut me out of her life... now what?

[Bassoutcast]

Hey guys. I know I already have a thread open for a few weeks but it's become to long for anyone to follow and I need help so I'll summarize as much as I can to this post in hope of help.

She was my first girlfriend (I'm 20), we started as friends and within weeks started dating because she was the perfect woman I've waited for so long. It was beautiful, she had trouble at home and with work and I helped her with whatever I could (as much as offering her to stay at my place when she had a fight with her parents). When I met her, she was already after one suicide attempt, and although she promised not to harm herself - I stopped her from killing herself with a knife (the vein was already open). The relationship lasted for 3 and a half months, it seemed like years, she said so many sweet things to me ("I will never find someone as good as you" "I'll NEVER leave you" "I want to move in with you (and was actively looking for places to live with me), and much more on a long list that told me she was as serious as I was).

After her suicide attempt she was diagnosed with BPD and clinical depression, and the psychiatrist stated that it's only going to become worse and if she doesn't get treated she'll end up in a mental institute. she was on meds for a month or so but when they ran out she never continued her treatment and I didn't disagree... .I honestly thought she was getting better, paying more attention to the depression than BPD... .it was only after the break-up I started reading into this disorder and was shocked to find out how much of it was there when I didn't even notice ... .the mirroring, the splitting (not once did she say something nice about her family, it was either neutral or really bad, she was ALWAYS the victim), twisting reality... .I was ignorant to ignore her mental illness and treat her like a healthy person, when she ISN'T.

I should mention that I've had some issues of my own for years - repetative "physical discipline" from my mother at a young age, pretty much excommunication throughout most of my school years (either that or bullying), an abusive friend who I later found out to have sexually abused my (then) 11 Y/O sister, parents constantly fighting at home... .I built a wall of sarcasm to handle it, and around age 17 finally got into a circle of friends, although always feeling like an outcast... .I have trouble containing my emotions, and there were times I got nervous breakdowns, anger explosions, outbursts of tears and the thought of death... .while we were dating, my parents split up and my (then) girlfriend supported me... .telling me things like "I'll never leave you"... .I was so afraid she'll abandon me, throw me out like my mom did to my dad, so I was always messaging her, always planning out dates, centering my happiness only around the fact that I'll see her that day and everything will be alright, I honestly believed she was the universe's answer to my suffering, "the remedy to my depression", that I finally got something good for the first time in my life, as a compensation for what I've been through... .and when it didn't work out I got depressed... .and the day later it didn't work out again... .and then again... .and I couldn't take it anymore, I begged to come to her house, causing her to cry... .we had a few fights like that, but we always patched things up... .I

But then came the last week of our relationship, when she got sick at my place and I took care of her day and night for about 80 hours straight (first at my place, then took her to her place, ran around like crazy to help her with whatever she needs) and drove myself to such exhaustion I was bedridden for 2 days later, couldn't get up... .but she had work to concentrate on, she was healthy, and I had to comfort HER for not being there to take care of me. Then the day later she was exhausted from work and I came to visit her (almost an hour away, different cities) for a few hours, she was ecstatic, when I walked in the front door she hugged me around my waist and called my nickname, as if saying "I'm so glad you're here, please don't ever leave I love you"... .then during the weekend she had to work, and been turning off her phone while at home. last day before she went NC was National Woman's Day, she was working double shifts (she's a florist, national woman's day... .you get the idea, it was hell), came to visit her with flowers, she was on the verge of crying, she was so happy to see me... .then, not a day later, another date couldn't happen, got another double shift (though she repeatedly said we'll meet up, always promising to cancel shifts but never did)... .She told me that on the phone, told me she told her boss she always had to cancel dates for work and her boyfriend is upset and her boss said "well, you guys can just spend time texting" ... .The moment I heard that, I flipped, my voice turned into psychotic screeching, saying "TEXTING? OF COURSE ! F**KING TEXTING!" (I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at her boss), as if texting could ever replace her warmth, her smell, cuddling with her... .remember, I was going through A LOT at the time and she was my only sunshine... .then she tells me she can't handle this... .I text her repeatedly, she ignores my texts... .I feel guilty, I text her the next morning, she changes her profile pic to one of her own, I call her twice, no answer, just a text "stop bothering me"... .I drank, I walked the streets, I wanted to kill myself.

Day later I got her to talk with me, told her it was unfair how I'm always there for her when she gets depressed and starts crying but when I get an "episode", she just ignores me when I need her most... .She told me to stop blaming her, and started using the good things I've done and twisting them around (for example - I told her she could move in with me and my family, that she always has a family here, with me, and I said that because she ran away from home and thought no one cared about her. she turned it around saying I pushed her too hard with those commitments. I told her while we were dating she was neglecting her hobbies and had no friends, and constantly reminded her to practice her hobbies and encouraged her to find friends, she turned it into "I neglected up on my hobbies for you, I didn't meet up with my friends for you", told me her family was upset, the SAME family she was trying so hard to move away from... .the list can go on forever but you get the idea), told me we weren't compatible and she doesn't see how it can go on (even though, despite the mirroring, we had TONS of common interests and I always helped her)

I tried everything, I told her I'll agree to whatever she wants, I begged in every way possible, she said she needed to think about it, I said OK, but almost a week has passed and I couldn't handle it anymore, I told her we need to talk, we met up and she told me everything she already did before, and that she's "not going to get hurt anymore" and that "She knows I only want her but I'll find someone else soon", that she'd "only be slowing me down". We took a bus to her place b/c she wanted me to pick up my stuff, she was friendly, we even laughed and shared new details about each other's lives... .asked her if we could be friends, to which she abstractly answered "If I'll ever find myself texting you, I guess so, if I won't, I guess not"... .gave me my stuff back, I hugged her and told her I'd always be there for her, and I won't contact her, told her "you can smile, it's over now"... .told me again "I'll find someone else soon", to which I replied "Yeah, not really in the mood to look for dates right now"... .said our goodbyes and parted ways.

3 Days later, I was in so much inner turmoil that I couldn't keep it in anymore, I texted her explaining why I said some of the things I said, telling her "If I have to live with this regret for the rest of my life, it's a fate I'll have to accept", telling her it doesn't have to end, and stating she doesn't have to reply... .she replied 3 hours later, saying "You said you won't text me anymore, I guess you're right , your words really mean nothing, stop bothering me"... .I replied "Fine , hope you'll have a nice life", deleted the conversation, unfollowed her on Instagram (because she unfollowed me).

Two weeks of inner conflict and cyber-stalking, I sent her a casual text about something mutual, she most likely deleted it. Day later I sent her a request on Instagram (private user) - request declined. Been 4 days since.

I must note something, when we were on the bus to pick up my stuff I asked her about the profile picture and why she changed it, she said she was "upset with me" (to me, it seemed as "It's over" at the time, and I had to use a mutual friend to ask her about it, just to realize she thinks "I need some time to think", and I told her she had much prettier pictures of her... .when I tried to contact her 3 days later she changed her picture, both on chat and Insta (to my favorite picture of her) . Unfollowed her? changed her username. Tried to text her (with no reply)? changed her status on Insta (something about dogs), requested to follow her on Insta? declined, but she did log on at midnight only to change her chat photo to a selfie, after I changed my photo a day before to a selfie (mirroring, perhaps?). We're both going to the same concert in 2 months, her favorite band, seeing as she has no friends she'll go alone (I'm also her first boyfriend, first guy-friend, and I think first real best-friend), she knows I'll be there... .

I neglected so much of my life for her - my friends, my job (or lack of it as of now), my band... .I threw everything I was away to spend time with her... .She was my everything... .ever since the breakup I started rediscovering myself, got back to the things I neglected... .but it's not the same without her... .the loneliness is always there... .the FOG is starting to fade away, but I love that woman to death, we had so much in common, she was my first everything, I'm very loyal and I want this to work... .but how? I tried everything. can anyone PLEASE advise me what to do? I've been studying BPD daily for hours, and I know I've made some mistakes (the biggest one is not reading a whole lot on BPD while we were still dating), probably split me black now... .What to do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Aurylian]

Sounds like she wants NC for a while.  That may or may not be the end of the relationship.  But, it does give you time to read up and grow. 

What areas are you focusing on in the Lessons?

[Bassoutcast]

Sounds like she wants NC for a while.  That may or may not be the end of the relationship.  But, it does give you time to read up and grow. 

What areas are you focusing on in the Lessons?

My role in the relationship, boundaries and the tools.

I really don't want this to be the end, she's very dear to me and I don't want to give up on her, on "us".

I sometimes feel like I'm a monster... .like I destroyed the one thing I actually cared about in a long time... .but I didn't choose to end this relationship... .

[Aurylian]

Do you have a chance to work with a therapist?  The best odds for reigniting the relationship is to be ready with a healthy self, who is stronger and is ready to use the Tools well. 

It sounds like you will be seeing her at least at the concert. 

[Bassoutcast]

Do you have a chance to work with a therapist?  The best odds for reigniting the relationship is to be ready with a healthy self, who is stronger and is ready to use the Tools well. 

It sounds like you will be seeing her at least at the concert. 

I think it'll be best for me to start working with a T as well... .I have a lot of unresolved issues I need to take care of.

The concert will have around 8000 people in it, I don't know how easy will it be to spot her (although I'm 6"3 and she's a redhead so we'll both "stick out of the crowd". Besides that, I have no way of "running into her", we live in different cities and I seriously have nothing else to do in her city to have a "valid" excuse of running into her... .

I think her mother and sister have BPD as well... .her sister can be very calm, but can have tantrums and slam doors and scream. I wanted to befriend her sister but my ex said "don't, the closer people get to her the more she blames her problems on them, it's best if you don't". Her mom is very quiet, but my ex told me she wanted to commit suicide a couple of times, physically abused her (pulled her hair, hit her, etc) and even told her "you're not my daughter", a thing she later (at least in my ex's words) denied.

Outside her family my ex never had friends, maybe acquaintances, sure, but she never had a genuine friend who listened to her problems and helped her when she needed it... .well, at least until I came along. Her sister also has basically no friends, same with her mother... .they're a very isolated family... .but somehow I got through... .her mom even called me "a member of the family" a couple of weeks before we broke up... .

Again, I'm not a quitter, I'll do whatever it takes to get her back, even if chances are slim, I believe in love. I know my ex will almost certainly won't get another boyfriend, at least anytime soon (multiple reasons), which works in my favor. If I'll run into her in the concert, how do I communicate? do I go casual and ask her to hang out with me (seeing as we're both alone there and she knows me)? if we do hang out, how much should I do? should I hold her hand when a romantic song comes along? kiss her? where's the line?

[Elizabeth22]

Hi Bassoutcast,

I am new here, so I am not familiar with your other thread. I am very sorry for the pain this is causing you, but do you think it might be best to respect her wishes and cease contact?

[Bassoutcast]

Hi Bassoutcast,

I am new here, so I am not familiar with your other thread. I am very sorry for the pain this is causing you, but do you think it might be best to respect her wishes and cease contact?

She ALWAYS does that to people, goes NC with her parents, cuts people who get close out, she's always the victim, the good one, and everyone else is bad. But I DO know that once she regains contact with people, at least her family, she gradually opens up again, or at least tolerates them... .I don't know, if we both go NC, she might see it as "Oh, I guess he doesn't care, I guess he moved on, I guess he didn't love me after all"... .She's not the type to miss someone who's painted black, no matter how close to her... .I love that girl with all my heart and I don't know how to show her I care... .flowers on her doorstep with a card? spray-painting messages around her neighborhood? I'm lost, I don't want to lose her... .every form of direct contact (chat, Instagram) will probably be ignored... .so in-direct contact is the only form of contact I have... . 

[Elizabeth22]

Hi Bassoutcast,

I am new here, so I am not familiar with your other thread. I am very sorry for the pain this is causing you, but do you think it might be best to respect her wishes and cease contact?

She ALWAYS does that to people, goes NC with her parents, cuts people who get close out, she's always the victim, the good one, and everyone else is bad. But I DO know that once she regains contact with people, at least her family, she gradually opens up again, or at least tolerates them... .I don't know, if we both go NC, she might see it as "Oh, I guess he doesn't care, I guess he moved on, I guess he didn't love me after all"... .She's not the type to miss someone who's painted black, no matter how close to her... .I love that girl with all my heart and I don't know how to show her I care... .flowers on her doorstep with a card? spray-painting messages around her neighborhood? I'm lost, I don't want to lose her... .every form of direct contact (chat, Instagram) will probably be ignored... .so in-direct contact is the only form of contact I have... . 

I'm sure this is really hard for you, but how do you have contact with someone who doesn't want to have contact with you? Sometimes you can only control what you do, not how someone will respond to it. Maybe she would just like some space? Or maybe she is no longer interested? I am just wondering if you have considered these as possibilities.

[Bassoutcast]

Hi Bassoutcast,

I am new here, so I am not familiar with your other thread. I am very sorry for the pain this is causing you, but do you think it might be best to respect her wishes and cease contact?

She ALWAYS does that to people, goes NC with her parents, cuts people who get close out, she's always the victim, the good one, and everyone else is bad. But I DO know that once she regains contact with people, at least her family, she gradually opens up again, or at least tolerates them... .I don't know, if we both go NC, she might see it as "Oh, I guess he doesn't care, I guess he moved on, I guess he didn't love me after all"... .She's not the type to miss someone who's painted black, no matter how close to her... .I love that girl with all my heart and I don't know how to show her I care... .flowers on her doorstep with a card? spray-painting messages around her neighborhood? I'm lost, I don't want to lose her... .every form of direct contact (chat, Instagram) will probably be ignored... .so in-direct contact is the only form of contact I have... . 

I'm sure this is really hard for you, but how do you have contact with someone who doesn't want to have contact with you? Sometimes you can only control what you do, not how someone will respond to it. Maybe she would just like some space? Or maybe she is no longer interested? I am just wondering if you have considered these as possibilities.

I can't believe that after all we've been through she would just cut me out like that, after all I've done for her, all I sacrificed for her, knowing in my heart we had a bright future together and I'm doing all that because I love her and want to spend my life with her... .all that effort, and for what? for THIS? my mind CAN'T accept it. I'm not saying she's somehow "in debt" with me, but she just threw me under the bus, saying words that hurt most ("you'll find someone else" hurt me the most)... .I've seen her at her WORST and helped her become her BEST, she saw me at my BEST and threw me away when I was at my WORST (I'm SORRY my parents split up, I'm sorry I have abandonment issues, I'm sorry I've been abused so many times in my life to the point I can't believe in good things happening to me and I'm SORRY I was worried  to the point of paranoia about my girlfriend, who I love with all my heart, because she TRIED TO KILL HERSELF TWICE WITHIN LESS THEN 5 MONTHS)... .

Why god... .why can't I ever have anything good in my life... .why... .-

[LivingOn]

My gf cut me off as well, and she told me, ones i cut people off i just switch of my feelings towards them, i know its not good but i cant help it. I guess she is a sick individual, well i don't know anymore

[patientandclear]

I know it's tempting when you feel you're losing love to love more, to communicate about it more, to explain how much you care, how important it is. To the other person though, especially with BPD, this can feel oppressive and smothering. To be needed that much can feel really bad.

Who knows if the two of you will move into a new phase of contact but if you do, you might want to bear in mind the concept of loving with an open hand. Don't hang on so hard. It will probably make things easier.

[Bassoutcast]

I know it's tempting when you feel you're losing love to love more, to communicate about it more, to explain how much you care, how important it is. To the other person though, especially with BPD, this can feel oppressive and smothering. To be needed that much can feel really bad.

Who knows if the two of you will move into a new phase of contact but if you do, you might want to bear in mind the concept of loving with an open hand. Don't hang on so hard. It will probably make things easier.

I know it's probably going to smother her and just push her away more... .but it hurts so much knowing a person who knows you love them is just cutting you out like you're nothing more than a bad dream they want to push away... .

Everyone I talked to told me to "let her reach out first"... .but what if she doesn't? The one thing I hate more than anything is not knowing... .I guess I'll have to wait for that concert, work on myself and hopefully see her there and start things up again... .but how do I even start a conversation with her? casually and ask her to hang out? where do I draw the line?

She told me I'll "find someone else soon"... .talked to my sister, she told me it's one of those "BS things girls say during a breakup to hurt a person less", that she doesn't mean it... .but how the hell would I know... .

[Elizabeth22]

Hi Bassoutcast,

I am new here, so I am not familiar with your other thread. I am very sorry for the pain this is causing you, but do you think it might be best to respect her wishes and cease contact?

She ALWAYS does that to people, goes NC with her parents, cuts people who get close out, she's always the victim, the good one, and everyone else is bad. But I DO know that once she regains contact with people, at least her family, she gradually opens up again, or at least tolerates them... .I don't know, if we both go NC, she might see it as "Oh, I guess he doesn't care, I guess he moved on, I guess he didn't love me after all"... .She's not the type to miss someone who's painted black, no matter how close to her... .I love that girl with all my heart and I don't know how to show her I care... .flowers on her doorstep with a card? spray-painting messages around her neighborhood? I'm lost, I don't want to lose her... .every form of direct contact (chat, Instagram) will probably be ignored... .so in-direct contact is the only form of contact I have... . 

I'm sure this is really hard for you, but how do you have contact with someone who doesn't want to have contact with you? Sometimes you can only control what you do, not how someone will respond to it. Maybe she would just like some space? Or maybe she is no longer interested? I am just wondering if you have considered these as possibilities.

I can't believe that after all we've been through she would just cut me out like that, after all I've done for her, all I sacrificed for her, knowing in my heart we had a bright future together and I'm doing all that because I love her and want to spend my life with her... .all that effort, and for what? for THIS? my mind CAN'T accept it. I'm not saying she's somehow "in debt" with me, but she just threw me under the bus, saying words that hurt most ("you'll find someone else" hurt me the most)... .I've seen her at her WORST and helped her become her BEST, she saw me at my BEST and threw me away when I was at my WORST (I'm SORRY my parents split up, I'm sorry I have abandonment issues, I'm sorry I've been abused so many times in my life to the point I can't believe in good things happening to me and I'm SORRY I was worried  to the point of paranoia about my girlfriend, who I love with all my heart, because she TRIED TO KILL HERSELF TWICE WITHIN LESS THEN 5 MONTHS)... .

Why god... .why can't I ever have anything good in my life... .why... .-

Bassoutcast,

You may not mean it to sound like a debt, but it does. I am not a BPD expert, I have a lot to learn about it, but I think boundaries are an issue here. You should really think about respecting hers, because BPD or not, people generally want their boundaries respected. I tried to read back on your threads and this situation sounds very intense, IMO. This might be a good time to take a step back, perhaps get some counseling for yourself and just breathe. Focus on yourself and the part you play in this. You can't control her, you can only control you.

[Bassoutcast]

... .I hate to admit it but I guess you're right... me pushing her is what led to this breakup in the first place. pushing her now will only reinforce her resentment against me and convince her again and again I can't keep my promises (which, I admit, I didn't).

Shr knows I'll be at the concert, if she wants to hang out she has my number (hopefully she hasn't deleted it yet). I'm only gonna try twice - meeting her at the concert and offering to hang out, and leaving her flowers by the doorstep on her birthday (which is in December, I doubt she'll question my "hidden motives" after 8 months, plus I just care about her and want to give her a present like I would to any other person who's important to me, not trying to "get back in her pants" at that time).

Thanks... .I believe time can mend a broken heart, I guess all I can do now is give her that time... .

[JRT]

... .me pushing her is what led to this breakup in the first place.

Perhaps it triggered your breakup, but if she is a BPD, the breakup was int he cards before you even met her. If this did not trigger, something else would have. Nothing that you did or didn't do had caused this to happen. It is not your fault.

[Bassoutcast]

... .me pushing her is what led to this breakup in the first place.

Perhaps it triggered your breakup, but if she is a BPD, the breakup was int he cards before you even met her. If this did not trigger, something else would have. Nothing that you did or didn't do had caused this to happen. It is not your fault.

I see... .I still in my heart hope she still has feelings for me, love just doesn't go away in a day... .I hope that when we'll meet again we'll start anew... .I won't give up on us that easily. she wants space? done. I will love her unconditionally.

[JRT]

She did love and care for you, of this I am convinced. There are some on these boards that argue that they have no feelings, only needs that require satisfaction. I think that they are capable of loving but achieving that level of intimacy triggers feelings that they simply don't know how to deal with. Worse yet, they way that they DO deal with them, is to sabotage the r/s and kill it. I think that recycles, for example, might be a manifestation of a level of sanity 'winning out' over the disorder in a good faith attempt to give it another go (within the framework of the disorder).

We could finish a six pack discussing this dynamic. The important conversation is whether or not, upon her return, she is CAPABLE of being 50% of a healthy r/.s. Keep something in mind: while I have heard of many stories of non's remaining in their r/s's (they are usually varying degrees of hell) I have not heard of one r/s where they have returned and there was a blissful and loving end of story. Neither am I familiar with any story where one was cured as through treatment was able to lead a healthy interpersonal life. This is something for those of us that have thoughts of returning to consider.

[Bassoutcast]

She did love and care for you, of this I am convinced. There are some on these boards that argue that they have no feelings, only needs that require satisfaction. I think that they are capable of loving but achieving that level of intimacy triggers feelings that they simply don't know how to deal with. Worse yet, they way that they DO deal with them, is to sabotage the r/s and kill it. I think that recycles, for example, might be a manifestation of a level of sanity 'winning out' over the disorder in a good faith attempt to give it another go (within the framework of the disorder).

We could finish a six pack discussing this dynamic. The important conversation is whether or not, upon her return, she is CAPABLE of being 50% of a healthy r/.s. Keep something in mind: while I have heard of many stories of non's remaining in their r/s's (they are usually varying degrees of hell) I have not heard of one r/s where they have returned and there was a blissful and loving end of story. Neither am I familiar with any story where one was cured as through treatment was able to lead a healthy interpersonal life. This is something for those of us that have thoughts of returning to consider.

I'm willing to take that risk. I promised her "Whatever comes in our way, we'll deal with it together" - I'll keep that promise. I'd rather go through hell with her than be alone in heaven. I know that a "happy ending" with BPD is as likely as winning the lottery, but those are chances I'm willing to take and I'll GLADLY place my bet on those odds.

If she's not capable of her 50%, guess I'll have to do them for her, but I WILL NOT give up on US. It's been a LONG time since I was that determined to get something. She's the woman I've been waiting for, for many years, I won't let this dream slip through my fingers. Whatever it takes - I'll do it! 

[Heldfast]

Fine, then work on you. Read voraciously on BPD and the tools needed to deal with it. Work on yourself so you have the patience and ability to handle it. Take care of yourself and make yourself a better you. Maybe you'll be ready for her, maybe you'll just find you've moved on. But you cannot control her, you cannot fix her. So start with you. Good luck!

[Maternus]

If she's not capable of her 50%, guess I'll have to do them for her, but I WILL NOT give up on US. It's been a LONG time since I was that determined to get something. She's the woman I've been waiting for, for many years, I won't let this dream slip through my fingers. Whatever it takes - I'll do it! 

Do whatever you you think you have to do. I wish you all the luck in the world. But when things turn out to be different than you've expected, read your own words again: "I won't let this dream slip through my fingers." A pwBPD can be like a dream come true - I know it, I've been there. It felt like a dream because you were mirrored. Much of the beauty you experienced is the beauty that is in you and that was always in you.

[Bassoutcast]

I guess part of it was the mirroring, but I did manage to see through the disorder sometimes, where the disorder ends and where the real "her" begins. and SHE had s lot in common with me. Sure, she could have mirrored my sense of humor and other characteristics, but we did share many common interests... .our first conversation was about the band poster I had up in my office which was one of her favorites... .So I don't believe it was all the disorder's "fault".

Can someone also comment on the "games" I've talked about in my first comment? about her changing pictures and statuses and mirroring me (now she also logs on when I'm logged on, and logs off when I log off, what's the deal with that)?

[JRT]

If she's not capable of her 50%, guess I'll have to do them for her, but I WILL NOT give up on US. It's been a LONG time since I was that determined to get something. She's the woman I've been waiting for, for many years, I won't let this dream slip through my fingers. Whatever it takes - I'll do it!  [/quote]
I admire your resolve and wish that more people in relationships were committed as you are. Keep in mind that this is not a situation of percentages; it is not the 49% that we are worried about, it is the probability that they will simply up and leave (as many do) without notice and you having invested your time and significant emotional capital to someone who is willing to potentially discard you with as much fanfare as a an old pair of shoes. I am not saying that you should't pursue according to y0our conscience. I am saying that you should be mentally prepared for one of various BPD eventualities... .they are pretty well chronicled here. 

[Bassoutcast]

If she's not capable of her 50%, guess I'll have to do them for her, but I WILL NOT give up on US. It's been a LONG time since I was that determined to get something. She's the woman I've been waiting for, for many years, I won't let this dream slip through my fingers. Whatever it takes - I'll do it! 

I admire your resolve and wish that more people in relationships were committed as you are. Keep in mind that this is not a situation of percentages; it is not the 49% that we are worried about, it is the probability that they will simply up and leave (as many do) without notice and you having invested your time and significant emotional capital to someone who is willing to potentially discard you with as much fanfare as a an old pair of shoes. I am not saying that you should't pursue according to y0our conscience. I am saying that you should be mentally prepared for one of various BPD eventualities... .they are pretty well chronicled here.  [/quote]
I understand it and I'm willing to take it head-on. I think everyone deserves a second chance, and when (not if, WHEN) we'll get back together - I know things will be different , but so will I. I'll be cautious and caring, and if she finds another "excuse" to end this relationship, despite me changing and tolerating her - she can seriously go f**k herself, but until that, I'll wait for her.

I already have a plan on how to get her back, probably my only 2 chances (the concert and her birthday). I once got in touch with a friend on his birthday after 8 months of no-contact (after a series of arguments triggered mostly by my ego), long story short we rebuilt our friendship and it became stronger than ever, so who knows how things will end up with my ex.

[JRT]

My plan was to let her cool off via three months of NC (she didn't try to contact me either). On Xmas eve, I called her from an unblocked phone at a hotel I was at. She hung up on when when I said hello twice. An hour later, I got a call from the cops.

[Bassoutcast]

My plan was to let her cool off via three months of NC (she didn't try to contact me either). On Xmas eve, I called her from an unblocked phone at a hotel I was at. She hung up on when when I said hello twice. An hour later, I got a call from the cops.

Wow, that sounds like taking extreme measures over something so insignificant... .

I'm going to be as subtle as I can - I'll try to find her and meet her at the concert we're both going to, say hi and ask if she wants to hang out together (seeing as we're both going to be alone), if she doesn't I'll say goodbye and walk away (though not too far away, to be withing her range of sight if she changes her mind). If that goes well - we'll see how it goes, if not, my only other option will be her birthday, which is in December... .I'll just leave her favorite flowers by her doorstep, with a card and a little present (a plush doll from a series she collects). We'll see how it goes, but that's as much "contact" I'll do with her. I'll be working on myself and moving forward with my life.

[Bassoutcast]

I should also mention - I've been reading on types of BPD, she's without a doubt a "quiet" one (unlike her twin sister who's the "classic" BPD). Does her "type" matter in this situation and with my plan? She won't yell or go physical, I know this for a fact... .does her "type" benefit me in this situation?

[drummerboy]

Be VERY careful about contacting a pwBPD when they do not want any contact. Mine got the police involved. They are very unstablen vindictive people. You have been warned!

[Elizabeth22]

I am glad to see people have brought up police involvement here. It's a reality. BPD or not, if it looks like you are stalking someone (and I am not saying JRT or drummerboy did) the police will get involved. You could find yourself in court having a stalking restraining order issued against you or arrested. This is what I meant about respecting boundaries. You could get in some serious trouble. I am not meaning to be preachy, but the advice here is very realistic. Just because she has BPD and goes no contact, doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to do so.

[JRT]

I should also mention - I've been reading on types of BPD, she's without a doubt a "quiet" one (unlike her twin sister who's the "classic" BPD). Does her "type" matter in this situation and with my plan? She won't yell or go physical, I know this for a fact... .does her "type" benefit me in this situation?

Mine was also a waif/hermit - we NEVER had an argument... .trust me: they rage, its just internalized. Seeing you or getting a bday wish might evoke a response like mine. Remember: push/pull is a hallmark of BPD and your innocuous contact may trigger emotions that you had not intended to trigger (just ask my ex!).

This is standard BPD stuff... .its about control/power and punishment... .they all seem to do stuff like this. Do yourself a favor: go NC EVEN if you want to get back with her - THATS your best strategy.

[drummerboy]

Mine was a classic waif too, IMO they are MORE likely to involve the police as they hate confrontation. Hard as it is to hear, I'm guessing you are the last person she wants to hear from. It sucks big time but you have to protect yourself.