Undiagnosed - help with knowing what to do and how to handle it

[Dark Tiger]

Hi everyone,

I am dating (on/off) a great guy but I am certain that he has BPD. All the hallmarks are there:

Total rollercoaster - extreme highs and awful lows

He is so super sensitive to everything

He never gives me any leeway when a normal person would (like I am running late - will be 15 minutes later = how can you have zero respect for my time/ I would never have made this arrangement if I knew you were unable to manage your time effectively etc etc)

Massive angry outbursts and rages if things don't go his way

Expects me to literally drop everything and run if he calls or texts (not even saying he wants to see me but expecting me to understand that by him making contact I should know that is what he wants and expects)

Tells me I never prioritise him enough

Gets insanely jealous of any other male I speak to (let alone are friends with)

Passive aggressive - which can continue whether I apologise or not for my 'wrong-doing'.

We have broken up about 4 or 5 times (each time I thought this was it) each time his rages and the things he says become more and more hurtful and he accuses me constantly of not caring about him (eg when I made plans to see my family for Easter months ago when we weren't 'together', come Good Friday (as we are back on) he announces that I if I truly loved him I would cancel my trip and should make him the priority if he was really important. I push back and remind him I arranged this trip to see my cousin with my brothers and parents months ago but he just then says it has hurt him more than anything and is now at the lowest possible place he could get to/ says I don't care if he is alive or dead/ I will never be able to give him what he needs and wants and that it is over.

Then he appears 3 days later to meet me at the airport saying how much he has missed me!

What I have trouble dealing with is the his last minute demands/expectations. So the current example is about this weekend. We have arranged that we will hang out tonight, I will cook and we will chill out at home at his place. Then he said he wanted to go to the races tomorrow (he is quite wealthy and has members tickets) and I said I can't afford it / have to do something at my place so probably best I don't go. BLOW UP about how what he wants isn't important enough/ I don't need to bet or drink so it won't be an expensive day/ he would rather not do anything tonight so I can do my home stuff then and go to the races tomorrow.

By the way, his friends will be at the races and he also mentioned that if we go, then we tell them we are just friends as he isn't ready to be "with me" in public yet.

How do you manage this type of situation? I ended up agreeing to go to the races but am feeling crappy because I won't even be able to hold his hand and I have a feeling he will just take off with his friends and I will be left to make small talk with whoever is around.

Any advice or thoughts would be so appreciated! Thanks you in advance... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Dark Tiger &

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with all of this confusion, stress and pain with your boyfriend... .I can't advise you about the Race Track, and whether or not to go, but I can suggest that you check out every single link to the right-hand side of this page, to get some handle on how your boyfriend's mind works, and some of the things you should know about dealing with it all.

The Lessons would be very beneficial to you, as well as the Feature Articles that are linked to right under the 4 photos at the top of the Staying Board's listing page (or here: When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder). One of those Articles, What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship, would really be helpful for you, Dark Tiger, in answering your questions.

An excerpt from that Article is below:

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker": According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), "borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor".  To be in this type of relationship, you must accept the role as emotional caretaker - consistently staying above it.

I would like to encourage you to check out the rest of that Article, and also the others that are found at the first link I gave you... .Please read all you can on this site, and keep telling us your story and asking your questions; it really will help  

[Aurylian]

Then he said he wanted to go to the races tomorrow (he is quite wealthy and has members tickets) and I said I can't afford it / have to do something at my place so probably best I don't go. BLOW UP about how what he wants isn't important enough/ I don't need to bet or drink so it won't be an expensive day/ he would rather not do anything tonight so I can do my home stuff then and go to the races tomorrow.

By the way, his friends will be at the races and he also mentioned that if we go, then we tell them we are just friends as he isn't ready to be "with me" in public yet.

How do you manage this type of situation? I ended up agreeing to go to the races but am feeling crappy because I won't even be able to hold his hand and I have a feeling he will just take off with his friends and I will be left to make small talk with whoever is around.

Any advice or thoughts would be so appreciated! Thanks you in advance... .

Do you want to go to the races?  Is it about the money or that you don't want to go?

How do you feel about his not wanting to be "with you" in public?

Regarding the races, I have found that it is best to have a clear idea of what you want and communicate it truthfully.  My BPDw can sniff out a lame excuse very easily.  If it is about money, and then he provides a path where it won't cost, then you are stuck.  If you don't want to go, then just be honest as to why.  Let him own his reaction to that, but you be honest and firm no matter what that reaction is.  If you go soft on something you really don't want to do, then you reinforce in him that if he presses hard enough he can make you do anything.

The not wanting to be close in public is an issue you will have to decide the importance of. 

Either way, if/when you communicate any of this with him, really try and learn the Lessons referred to by Rapt Reader.  Things will go much better if you can make them part of your regular tool kit.

[OffRoad]

By the way, his friends will be at the races and he also mentioned that if we go, then we tell them we are just friends as he isn't ready to be "with me" in public yet.

The way I managed this situation is that if I wanted to go as "just friends", I'd go. This may be his way of vetting you to his friends. If they approve, then your "in" type of thing. If you don't want to go as "just friends", then don't go.

The proper response to his invitation should have been the absolute truth, something like "I'd love to go, but I really can't afford it right now." It tells him that you WANT to go with him, but don't have the money. Throwing in the bit about needing to do something at your place muddies the waters.  Now if you didn't want to go at all, that would be a different story.