Split today

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Split from my pwBPD/mood disorder today by mutual agreement as regular drama is not good for either of us. Several blow ups this weekend over nothing, but stressful as it takes so long for pwBPD to calm down. The relationship has taken its toll on my health. I really really don't want to recycle this time, but it's hard as my feelings are so strong. I also feel that I cant completely cut contact as I have been the music support whilst my now ex is going through T. Any advice?

[Loosestrife]

Split from my pwBPD/mood disorder today by mutual agreement as regular drama is not good for either of us. Several blow ups this weekend over nothing, but stressful as it takes so long for pwBPD to calm down. The relationship has taken its toll on my health. I really really don't want to recycle this time, but it's hard as my feelings are so strong. I also feel that I cant completely cut contact as I have been the music support whilst my now ex is going through T. Any advice?

[fromheeltoheal]

Music support?

My experience is it's vitally important, if you truly want to be out of the relationship, to run the other way as hard as you can as fast as you can, otherwise the relationship may suck you back.  And it's not your partner you're outrunning, it's your own emotions.  it also helps to make a list of all of the unacceptable behaviors you tolerated, which will grow as you remember things, and read it constantly, and associate fully to how those behaviors made you feel, as a means to temporarily shift your focus, since we have mixed emotions coming out of these relationships, and our exes are humans whom we care about deeply, and with time you may develop compassion, but for now it's helpful to focus on the bad to the exclusion of the good, until the fog clears.  Take care of you!

[Loosestrife]

Split from my pwBPD/mood disorder today by mutual agreement as regular drama is not good for either of us. Several blow ups this weekend over nothing, but stressful as it takes so long for pwBPD to calm down. The relationship has taken its toll on my health. I really really don't want to recycle this time, but it's hard as my feelings are so strong. I also feel that I cant completely cut contact as I have been the music support whilst my now ex is going through T. Any advice?

Meant to say 'main support' not music support

[Loosestrife]

Music support?

My experience is it's vitally important, if you truly want to be out of the relationship, to run the other way as hard as you can as fast as you can, otherwise the relationship may suck you back.  And it's not your partner you're outrunning, it's your own emotions.  it also helps to make a list of all of the unacceptable behaviors you tolerated, which will grow as you remember things, and read it constantly, and associate fully to how those behaviors made you feel, as a means to temporarily shift your focus, since we have mixed emotions coming out of these relationships, and our exes are humans whom we care about deeply, and with time you may develop compassion, but for now it's helpful to focus on the bad to the exclusion of the good, until the fog clears.  Take care of you!

Thanks. Things have improved recently in that frustration and the odd blow up has replaced the historic verbal/physical abuse, but I will dig out my old list and add to it.

[Michelle27]

However it turns out (friends or not), it's a good thing that you realized now how the relationship is affecting your health.  I unfortunately didn't connect those dots until a lot of damage was done, so much that even though he is doing everything possible to work on himself to be emotionally safe for me, I don't know if I can get past it.  At this point, I'm in limbo and expect to be there for awhile yet. 

[ZeusRLX]

When you say your feelings are so strong, what are some of those feelings?

[Loosestrife]

When you say your feelings are so strong, what are some of those feelings?

Love, caring, connection, understanding, friendship, partnership, compassion, empathy, honesty, trust to name a few... .

[UserName69]

You need to accept the fact that it's over, even if you're going back to her it won't take long before you're fighting again. You really need to get your self busy with activities you enjoy, it's the only way to forget about her. Don't neglect your health, she really isn't worth it. You might sleep bad but try to have a couple of good meals.

[Loosestrife]

Username69 - you are right. She is already hinting the end of the relationship is not really what she wants. If I chase a recycle or stay in contact all I am doing is asking for more if the same - drama and stress. I wish I'd never met her.

[Mutt]

Hi Loosestrife,

I'm sorry you're going through this.  

Was this a blow-up over the weekend and you're frustrated at her dysregulations?

Have you had blow ups before and broke up and made up?

Are you undecided?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

My experience is it's vitally important, if you truly want to be out of the relationship, to run the other way as hard as you can as fast as you can, otherwise the relationship may suck you back.  And it's not your partner you're outrunning, it's your own emotions.  it also helps to make a list of all of the unacceptable behaviors you tolerated, which will grow as you remember things, and read it constantly, and associate fully to how those behaviors made you feel, as a means to temporarily shift your focus, since we have mixed emotions coming out of these relationships, and our exes are humans whom we care about deeply, and with time you may develop compassion, but for now it's helpful to focus on the bad to the exclusion of the good, until the fog clears.  Take care of you!

I agree with heeltoheal, it is our OWN emotions we must outrun.  Our OWN loneliness, fear, sense of abandonment, fear of failure, embarrassment, shame, not wanting to admit defeat/mistake, etc. that keeps us stuck.  Well, I should speak for myself:  that has kept me stuck. 

I also think heelto heal is right about really remembering and reminding ourselves of the bad stuff.  While in the r/s we maximized the good stuff and grossly minimized the bad behavior.  It was like half of our ship was underwater but we decided to just focus on the good stuff, the half of the ship that was still afloat.  So now, at time of b/u, in order to "right the ship" we have to do some serious counter-balancing by ignoring the good stuff and zeroing in on the bad stuff/the sinking side of the ship for a while. 

NC is critical, at least temporarily (to the degree it is an option which with shared custody it would not be), lest we be tempted to again ignore the sinking side of the ship.

I never thought of this metaphor before now but it helps me.  Although I am deep in NC for several months, I have recently found myself wistfully thinking about the "good" half of the ship.  Though, truth be told, the good "half" of my r/s was only about 25-30%.  Every 2-3 days there was either a crisis, fighting or isolation.  All of which completely sucked. 

Time to look at just how far I'd sunk. 

Hang in there.  Sorry you are going through this but better now before the whole ship goes down.   

[Trog]

Split from my pwBPD/mood disorder today by mutual agreement as regular drama is not good for either of us. Several blow ups this weekend over nothing, but stressful as it takes so long for pwBPD to calm down. The relationship has taken its toll on my health. I really really don't want to recycle this time, but it's hard as my feelings are so strong. I also feel that I cant completely cut contact as I have been the music support whilst my now ex is going through T. Any advice?

Buy yourself a huge present. It's your birthday!

Seriously. Something you've always always wanted, an unfulfilled part of you your ex didn't want you to have. It can then be enjoyed and be a symbol of your rebirth out of a BPD relationship.

Mazel Tov - welcome to life apd, everything before was BPD (before personality disorder).

[Loosestrife]

Reclaiming - thanks this is really helpful!

Trog - this is a great idea. I will have a good think about something symbolic, I kinda like your 'afterlife' analogy 

[Loosestrife]

Hi Loosestrife,

I'm sorry you're going through this.  

Was this a blow-up over the weekend and you're frustrated at her dysregulations?

Yes, but I wasn't frustrated, just tried to understand and use SET, it was her who says she can't carry on.

Have you had blow ups before and broke up and made up?

Yes, many times. She frequently ends the relationship and says she can't cope and then becomes more vague in the aftermath. Sometimes I wait for it to blow over and we don't actually split up. Sometimes she is adamamt that it's over, I have to take her word for it and move on, and then we eventually recycle.

Are you undecided?

I was committed to making bit work even though I didn't know how and with the full knowledge it has taken its toll on my health. I'm not as strong as I thought

and I am now drained. . I want a healthy, happy relationship, but I am finding it hard to detach from this unhealthy one.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Buy yourself a huge present. It's your birthday!

Seriously. Something you've always always wanted, an unfulfilled part of you your ex didn't want you to have. It can then be enjoyed and be a symbol of your rebirth out of a BPD relationship.



Mazel Tov - welcome to life apd, everything before was BPD (before personality disorder).

Trog, love this for Loosestrife and love this for all of us.  Life APD!   A M E N ! ! !