Who am I?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just need to reach out to someone who understands thus this board is  my hope.

This question "Who am I" has been bothering me the last couple of years. After 10 years of living with a wife that has strong BPD/NPD traits I have come to question my sanity and my own self. I have changed from being a pretty calm guy who could handle majority of life events without raging about it to a guy with a very short fuse. Thus the question, Who am I?

I have read many of the things on this website and many of the comments on the board. This has helped me to understand her abuse better. I see through her behaviours much better. Also this has been a double edged sword. I feel in great pain realizing that many things she did over the years that I accepted as "weird " "crazy" were in fact verbal abuse and manipulations. This makes me angry and hurt.

Anyhow, I would like a reality check and a perspective from others on the latest of our/her issues.

Roughly 7-8 months ago she decided we should divorce. So we did. My anxiety levels went sky high mostly because of our two small children. She went on to blow things out of proportion painting me and my parents to be this evil gangsters who she wanted to get rid of. After the initial hurt I started to feel relief. Yes, relief. Suddenly there was noone to put me down, to "joke" about the way I look, eat, sleep, sit, walk, talk etc. I went on a trip to my sisters wedding and for the first time in 10 years I smiled sitting in that airplane. Wow. No tension, no drama, no bullying.  After this period I started to comletely cut off all ties with her except when it came to our children. This is when she started to change and started to see me as "not that bad" and then actually a "good guy". Suddenly from being black I went to being ok again. Even she didnt mind patching things up with my parents but she just wanted them to stay NC for the initial period. So that the things can calm down. Said she was sorry and I bought it. I wanted us to be the real normal family.

Well, as you probably guessed this did not last too long. This is what reality turned out to be: She has her up& down moods again, there are days/parts of the day when she is perfectly fine and then days when she rages for no apparent reason. Small things set her off. Accusing my parents, cursing my sister etc. Then she comes and wants a hug like nothing happened. I am to prove my love to her. Laughable. Also our children may have no contact with my family. No phone contact and if we go for a visit they can be in my parents house only if she is with them to supervise. I am not allowed to take my children for a walk to my parents house. Otherwise she sees is it as betrayal and thus wants divorce.

This as you can imagine makes me feel like Im worthless. Cannot be trusted to take my children to my parents house because they are "plotting against her". I would never allow anyone to speak to my children about their mother in a way that is not appropriate. Period. I do not consider myself to be an angel nor my parents but this is over the line.

So what can I do? This thing is choking me, nagging at my soul every single day. I have stopped touching her and do not want to be close to her. I just feel violating myself if I do. Talking to her did not help, she can say "I understand" one minute and the very next just keeps on going in the same old way.

So back to my initial question and questions induced by her constant bombardment. Who am I? Can I be trusted? Am I going crazy? Am I worthless? Am I a whimp that has no willpower of his own?

Thank you for listening.  

[zulfiqar]

I just need to reach out to someone who understands thus this board is  my hope.

This question "Who am I" has been bothering me the last couple of years. After 10 years of living with a wife that has strong BPD/NPD traits I have come to question my sanity and my own self. I have changed from being a pretty calm guy who could handle majority of life events without raging about it to a guy with a very short fuse. Thus the question, Who am I?

I have read many of the things on this website and many of the comments on the board. This has helped me to understand her abuse better. I see through her behaviours much better. Also this has been a double edged sword. I feel in great pain realizing that many things she did over the years that I accepted as "weird " "crazy" were in fact verbal abuse and manipulations. This makes me angry and hurt.

Anyhow, I would like a reality check and a perspective from others on the latest of our/her issues.

Roughly 7-8 months ago she decided we should divorce. So we did. My anxiety levels went sky high mostly because of our two small children. She went on to blow things out of proportion painting me and my parents to be this evil gangsters who she wanted to get rid of. After the initial hurt I started to feel relief. Yes, relief. Suddenly there was noone to put me down, to "joke" about the way I look, eat, sleep, sit, walk, talk etc. I went on a trip to my sisters wedding and for the first time in 10 years I smiled sitting in that airplane. Wow. No tension, no drama, no bullying.  After this period I started to comletely cut off all ties with her except when it came to our children. This is when she started to change and started to see me as "not that bad" and then actually a "good guy". Suddenly from being black I went to being ok again. Even she didnt mind patching things up with my parents but she just wanted them to stay NC for the initial period. So that the things can calm down. Said she was sorry and I bought it. I wanted us to be the real normal family.

Well, as you probably guessed this did not last too long. This is what reality turned out to be: She has her up& down moods again, there are days/parts of the day when she is perfectly fine and then days when she rages for no apparent reason. Small things set her off. Accusing my parents, cursing my sister etc. Then she comes and wants a hug like nothing happened. I am to prove my love to her. Laughable. Also our children may have no contact with my family. No phone contact and if we go for a visit they can be in my parents house only if she is with them to supervise. I am not allowed to take my children for a walk to my parents house. Otherwise she sees is it as betrayal and thus wants divorce.

This as you can imagine makes me feel like Im worthless. Cannot be trusted to take my children to my parents house because they are "plotting against her". I would never allow anyone to speak to my children about their mother in a way that is not appropriate. Period. I do not consider myself to be an angel nor my parents but this is over the line.

So what can I do? This thing is choking me, nagging at my soul every single day. I have stopped touching her and do not want to be close to her. I just feel violating myself if I do. Talking to her did not help, she can say "I understand" one minute and the very next just keeps on going in the same old way.

So back to my initial question and questions induced by her constant bombardment. Who am I? Can I be trusted? Am I going crazy? Am I worthless? Am I a whimp that has no willpower of his own?

Thank you for listening.  

[Surg_Bear]

I know what you are going through.

Really do.  There are many similarities between your wife's behavior and my own.  I also have 2 children.  In the beginning of my marriage, she hated my father and tried to turn us away from my friends and family.  For the most part, she was successful.  We ended up moving across the country.  We divorced for 5 years, and when she came to her senses and realized I was the best thing that has ever happened to her, she came back with her tail between her legs.

The rages, and abuse by BPD sufferers include "crazy-making" which is exactly what it sounds like -  drives YOU crazy.  There is also a more insidious abuse called gas lighting, which is an intentional manipulation of the environment, circumstances and memories of past events done to make you feel like the "crazy" one.  Both are done by BPD people unconsciously (they have no idea they are doing it to you, or at least will deny any knowledge) to off-load the "crazy" emotional dysregulation on to you.  If they can pass the baton, so to speak, they become a little more regulated.  If done successfully, they feel better, and come in for a hug.  The hug itself is crazy making if you think about it.

I know exactly how you feel- I lost myself in the crazy.  I almost died in the crazy.

You are still in there, but you have to retreat from the web of crazy to find yourself.  Demand time away from the crazy.  Walk away from the crazy- take the kids and do daddy stuff with them.  Make this a routine- a daddy "date."  The further from the crazy web you get, the closer you can get back with your family, and friends.  Yourself.  Closer to your true self.

Read the lessons from individuals' stories here and the ways they make it work.  Sometimes, the crazy is too much to stay in the relationship.  Others can make it work.  Demanding the crazy to stop is fruitless.  The person who lives straddling the border between crazy and normal- they cannot change unless they accept that their suffering is not normal, and they are committed to intense, self focused and driven psychotherapy. 

I'm sorry for your suffering.  I really can relate to much of it.

Good luck-

Surg_Bear

[EaglesJuju]

Hi zulfiqar,

I am sorry that you are going through this.   I understand how you could feel as if you are worthless.

I have struggled with the thoughts of feeling worthless and nothing I ever did was good enough.

Much of my struggles were centered around my bf's behaviors. If he projected his feelings on to me, I usually readily accepted it and thought I was to blame for all his behavior. After awhile the constant rages and unstable behavior started to affect me. One minute I was the source of all his problems and "changed his life in a negative way."  The next minute, I was kind, loving, helpful, and understanding. Taking it at face value, the idealization and devaluation can really chip away at your self-esteem and self-worth.

I took all his behaviors personally. Even though I rationally knew that the behavior was coming from someone who has a problem with identifying reality, I continued to personalize his behavior.

When I started learning about BPD more and the accompanying behaviors, I learned to depersonalize the behavior. It is really hard to depersonalize behavior that seems so personal.  Once you do so, you learn that the origin of the behavior has nothing to do with you.

You are not to blame for your pwBPD's behaviors and cannot change the way your pwBPD thinks or acts. You can change the way that you think and act.  Try start using positive self-talk. You are worthy. Taking care of yourself first is really important.

I started taking care of myself first by establishing my own "support group" of family, friends, and my psychologist. Being around positive and supportive people helped me rebuild my self-esteem.  :)o you have a support group.  

[zulfiqar]

Thank you for your support, SB and EJ. Means a lot.

After reading about a lot of stuff I decided to do some of the things you suggested.

-I have joined a gym in the city centre so that Im sorrounded with pple and sounds. Makes me energetic.

-I have started using the word 'No'. I actually can say No to her.

-I have started doing things although she does not like it. Like meeting my Italian friend almost every day. The fact that she doesnt like him is her problem not mine.

-I talk to my parents despite her comments.

-I refuse to have physical contact if she treats me bad. No hugs just after insulting me.

-I talk to my D6 about things. I explained she will have access to her grandparents  she just needs to be patient.

Have any of you on this board used any harmful behaviour in order to cope? Alcohol? Drugs? Smoking? Porning? Acting out in some way?

If not what is your coping strategy?

[Thread]

Small things set her off. Accusing my parents, cursing my sister etc. Then she comes and wants a hug like nothing happened.

This drives me mad! Before I would just be like awesome he flipped out and now he feels bad and is being loving. Thank God! But then after time and time again of this happening I feel like pushing him off me and telling him to go away. I can't wrap my mind around someone who rages at me and then wants me to hold him... .

You are not mad or crazy... .This is a normal feeling for ALL, we are all going through similar feelings.

You clearly are trying to handle this is the most healthy way possible. Give yourself credit for that!

Unhealthy coping... .Well I had to get back onto anxiety and depression medication. That's healthy that I'm still aware of that stuff.

Unhealthy... .Sleeping all day, each day it's like just a few more minutes turn into hours. Not wanting to get out of bed has been hard lately. Watching TV or listening to audio books is healthier than drugs or alcohol, but unhealthy because I know I am mentally shutting out the world, shutting off my BPD H. Im not a drinker... .But I do notice this intense want to get wasted which is weird and abnormal... .Again I work a lot and don't have time for that stuff so I never act on it but just do notice my mind looking for ways to cope and check out mentally.

I think that's it just having a hard time being motivated to push forward because I can't even make a decision on if I want to even keep fighting for this relationship that is just so sincerely unhealthy for me! But then wanting to fight for my marriage at the same time. So your question of "who am I" man, that's a tough one especially when you've built a life with your partner with BPD it's hard  

Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts! Glad you're finding healthy tools to improve your individual self!

[EaglesJuju]

The things you mentioned are a good start to helping yourself.

Have any of you on this board used any harmful behaviour in order to cope? Alcohol? Drugs? Smoking? Porning? Acting out in some way?

If not what is your coping strategy?

I never engaged in harmful behavior in order to cope with my bf. Although prior to meeting my pwBPD, I did use alcohol as a coping method.

Engaging in that type of behavior may be an immediate release, but can affect you in a negative way in the long run.  Harmful coping strategies conceal the core issues.  

I cope by doing positive things for myself. I learned to be autonomous and less emotionally dependent on my bf by having hobbies and interests outside of my relationship.

Engaging in self-care has really helped me. Many times in a relationship with a pwBPD, there is a tendency to forget about your own needs. I stopped relying on my bf for happiness and started creating my own.  What makes you happy?

[Lucky Jim]

What is your current status with your r/s?  Are you married?  Divorced?  Remarried?  I'm unclear.  Fill me in, when you can.  LuckyJim

[zulfiqar]

Thank you all for replying.

Im married, we have 2 kids together.

What makes me happy? Going out with family, fishing, gym, my work, my faith... .all these things have suffered though cause of her. At one point in time I was isolated but not anymore. Since I learned to see through her behaviour Im standing up to her on most things. However it wears me down. Unfortunately in order to cope with my emotional roller coaster I have over the years used different unhealthy methods that are harmful. Taking pills, wasting time on TV, days and days in a row, pornography.


All that would hurt me so much that the pain inflicted by her would seem less. Now I have decided to banish all these things.  I am going to look my life in the eye. Im just scared what I will find... .but fear has held me in prison for so many years. I either free myself or ... .well there is no other option I need to free myself from the chains of this fear blanket wrapping me so thight... .enough is enough.

We shall see if she will remain part of my life after the fear and FOG is gone. I hope so.