3rd MC session tomorrow

[Hmcbart]

I've got my 3rd MC session coming up tomorrow.  The major topics will be trust issues and communication.

The trust issues are because of a incident last summer but the major part of this is the fact that we can't communicate enough to agree on how long she will go back to visit family for. I want them to at least spend the 4th of July weekend with me and leave in the 5th. She wants to leave around the 28th or 29th of this month and come back by the 1st of August. We tried to discuss it after MC last week but failed miserably. It turns out my compromise of them staying for the 4th of July weekend was unreasonable.

Here is where the communication comes in. I asked her to stay until the 5th. She will still get 4 weeks with family while I stay behind and work. I asked for 4 days in July that's all.

Her side is she wants to be there those 4 days and goes on to explain how much more fun the kids will have there versus staying with me. Not once did she say she was undecided. Everything she said made it sound very clear that she didn't want to do it. But a few days later I'm still upset because she wouldn't even try to compromise and she says that I'm upset over nothing because she never said that she was definitely going to go back before the 4th. Even though she asked the kids their preference before we had the discussion.

It's a battle now of what she says versus what I hear. This will be Counceling tomorrow. 

My question is this. She is acting nicer at the moment, I think due to her not feeling well and needing me to do a lot of things she normally should. For those who have or are in MC, is it more difficult to try and talk about things when they are acting nice towards you? How do you stay focused on your goals when they confuse the heck out of you?

Also, if leaving is not an option thars on the table, how do you enforce some boundaries?

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[maxsterling]

Well, bravo for discussing this.  From my experience, compromise is difficult for pwBPD due to black/white thinking.  Any "middle ground" won't satisfy her, and she will likely still be mad, even if you come to some kind of agreement.  That's been my experience - we may agree to something, but months later she is still mad.

A question for you though - is there a reason you are waiting to discuss this with her in MC?  I find that I wait for MC to open up because I fear the loss of control when she dysregulates at home.  Is that your case here?  You feel the conversation will go nowhere good, so wait for MC so that there is a mediator of sorts?

[Hmcbart]

A question for you though - is there a reason you are waiting to discuss this with her in MC?  I find that I wait for MC to open up because I fear the loss of control when she dysregulates at home.  Is that your case here?  You feel the conversation will go nowhere good, so wait for MC so that there is a mediator of sorts?

I brought it up last week in MC because of an issue that happened last year. That also when I was informed of the dates she was planning to go back. Unfortunately it was at the very in of the session. When we got home she wanted to discuss it so she could make plans. I understand her definition of discussion and mine are very different.

Her discussion was I want to take the boys back around the 28th or 29th and stay for the month of July. The boys have to register for school on August 5th so will would be back before then.

My discussion was I understand how important going back to see the family us for you and the boys. I didn't realize it would be for that long. Let me think about it and we can talk about it tonight... .I leave for work. That evening I try my definition of discussion which also includes compromise. I offer they can go back on July 5th so I can spend the 4th with her and the boys.

An hour and every reason she could come up with why the boys would have so much more fun there (it's always for them, never her) later, she was still dead set on not being here for the days I requested.

Her argument a day later was that she never said she was going to be gone on the 4th and was still trying to decide. Never once in her discussion were the words "I'm still undecided on the date" mentioned, uttered, or even vaguely eluded to.

That was how my weekend started and finished. That was a long way of saying if it's not discussed in MC, she will not even consider my side. The T is still new to her and she trying to make sure it all sounds like I'm the bad person who has anger issues. I'm hoping the the T will help us use an actual compromise. I know we both won't agree, it's usually just me giving in.

Sadly after the way she was when we discussed it outside of MC, I'm not sure if I really want her to be here. She will in all likelihood make sure I understand how displeased she is for having to give me something I want. I honestly think that's why she has been on the couch upstairs with a headache since Tuesday. I really believe it causes her great stress and pain to have yo do anything for me.

[Hmcbart]

I took the advice of some of the folks on here. I have told her what I want and feel that giving them 4 plus weeks away and only asking for the holiday weekend with them is a very good compromise.  I have made my decision on it so if she refuses to compromise its on her.

I am fully expecting some dysregulation while they are away, it always happens. Last year she blew up at me because the electric bill went up $40 (in July) and I was the only one home. I thought she was joking but it turned out she was really mad.

This year she will get mad when she realizes I paid the $450 property tax on my motorcycle and spent $300 to get the garage door fixed in July. I'm already expecting that call.