I want help for my husband

[Depression = 72% of members]

I married my high school sweetheart and we were best friends before we moved in together/got engaged.

My husband was a Mormon missionary (I'm catholic) who has since left the church. He served 2 years in the Philippines and I believe he came back with a form of PTSD because of culture shock.

When we moved in together/started a romantic relationship, there was a night where he realized the choices he was starting to make as an adult (such as having sex) were going to change him as a person, and he had a nervous breakdown.

The next day, he decided to leave the church and proceeded to assure me that he felt elated & was talking to me as if he was in a zen-like state. Purely happy.

For the past 10 years of our relationship we have struggled with a constant cycle of me: feeling like he is somewhat 'disconnected' from me & will 'shut-off' completely if he feels like I'm not showing him enough attention both emotionally & sexually. This causes a problem because then he: feels as if I'm not attracted to him sexually, not interested in being intimate, loses all concept of self-worth/confidence. This cycle has repeated itself over-and-over and is the main cause for unhappiness in our marriage.

We have 2 young daughters: I'm afraid that they will be 'imprinted' with his behavior and suffer through life as he does: feeling worthless, bored, tired, unimportant, and lost.

My husband is a person who constantly needs to be praised. If he doesn't receive praise for a job that he's done, then all work up until then has been inadequate, or for-nothing. My husband plays guitar well, draws well, sings well, and can play sports well. But because he has not 'mastered' these traits he has quit participating in them. They no longer bring him joy, because he's just not 'good-enough' in his own eyes.

Almost everyday he will be silent & brooding foR no reason & if I ask what is wrong he will respond simply with: nothing.

On the other hand, my husband can be very loving and has a great sense of humor. He can be a wonderful father and dotes on our daughters. He has never exhibited violence towards them, but in the past when he's been angry during an argument, he has punched walls/ broken objects, claiming that he'd rather hurt himself before ever thinking to hurt one of us.

When we've been in heated arguments, he'll sometimes ask me to 'just hit him already!'. Like he's begging for me to slap him, even though I've never done so.

I love my husband - he was my best friend, but I feel as if we are an ocean apart. We no longer have passion or romance in our marriage because I've grown tired of anticipating his mood swings & he thinks I'm no longer interested in him.

I'm so tired of asking 'what's wrong'. I feel like I don't know right from wrong anymore & I find myself closing off too.

I have recommended that maybe he needs to talk to someone & just recently talked to him about his father potentially having BPD (he exhibits really extreme symptoms) but I'm not sure how to get him help. I don't want to give up on our marriage - I don't want to see him suffer and I don't want our girls to have compromised mental health because of his behavior. I don't know how to offer him help or counseling without sounding like I'm accusing him of being crazy. I feel like there may be no hope for us... .

[Bbqcharlie]

I married my high school sweetheart and we were best friends before we moved in together/got engaged.

My husband was a Mormon missionary (I'm catholic) who has since left the church. He served 2 years in the Philippines and I believe he came back with a form of PTSD because of culture shock.

When we moved in together/started a romantic relationship, there was a night where he realized the choices he was starting to make as an adult (such as having sex) were going to change him as a person, and he had a nervous breakdown.

The next day, he decided to leave the church and proceeded to assure me that he felt elated & was talking to me as if he was in a zen-like state. Purely happy.

For the past 10 years of our relationship we have struggled with a constant cycle of me: feeling like he is somewhat 'disconnected' from me & will 'shut-off' completely if he feels like I'm not showing him enough attention both emotionally & sexually. This causes a problem because then he: feels as if I'm not attracted to him sexually, not interested in being intimate, loses all concept of self-worth/confidence. This cycle has repeated itself over-and-over and is the main cause for unhappiness in our marriage.

We have 2 young daughters: I'm afraid that they will be 'imprinted' with his behavior and suffer through life as he does: feeling worthless, bored, tired, unimportant, and lost.

My husband is a person who constantly needs to be praised. If he doesn't receive praise for a job that he's done, then all work up until then has been inadequate, or for-nothing. My husband plays guitar well, draws well, sings well, and can play sports well. But because he has not 'mastered' these traits he has quit participating in them. They no longer bring him joy, because he's just not 'good-enough' in his own eyes.

Almost everyday he will be silent & brooding foR no reason & if I ask what is wrong he will respond simply with: nothing.

On the other hand, my husband can be very loving and has a great sense of humor. He can be a wonderful father and dotes on our daughters. He has never exhibited violence towards them, but in the past when he's been angry during an argument, he has punched walls/ broken objects, claiming that he'd rather hurt himself before ever thinking to hurt one of us.

When we've been in heated arguments, he'll sometimes ask me to 'just hit him already!'. Like he's begging for me to slap him, even though I've never done so.

I love my husband - he was my best friend, but I feel as if we are an ocean apart. We no longer have passion or romance in our marriage because I've grown tired of anticipating his mood swings & he thinks I'm no longer interested in him.

I'm so tired of asking 'what's wrong'. I feel like I don't know right from wrong anymore & I find myself closing off too.

I have recommended that maybe he needs to talk to someone & just recently talked to him about his father potentially having BPD (he exhibits really extreme symptoms) but I'm not sure how to get him help. I don't want to give up on our marriage - I don't want to see him suffer and I don't want our girls to have compromised mental health because of his behavior. I don't know how to offer him help or counseling without sounding like I'm accusing him of being crazy. I feel like there may be no hope for us... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

hi and welcome.

we are all here for you. this is a long road and the best thing to do is read and learn how to change you to help him.

but the top priority is the safety of you and your children.

we are all here for you 

[maxen]

hi Bbqcharie and i'm so sorry about your situation and you will meet posters here who will be able to understand the confusion that being in a r/s with a person with BPD can bring.

I don't know how to offer him help or counseling without sounding like I'm accusing him of being crazy.

it can be very hard to broach the subject of BPD with partners. because of the nature of the disorder, in which the pwBPD will hear almost anything as judgemental, even kindnesses, it's usually advised that you don't name it, unless your h himself acknowledges his patters of behavior and wants to seek counseling. (we have a reading on this topic here: Article 6: Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment.) a good place for you to start would be with the readings on the right hand side of this page, "The Lessons." they've been prepared by top students of BPD.

do you have support for yourself? do you have a counselor or friends you can talk things out with? plese keep posting Bbqcharlie!