so confused, please help.

[Butterfly12]

Please help, I am so confused. Almost two years ago, my husband began to exhibit the characteristics of his BPD. He is undiagnosed, but I am fairly certain this is the problem. He has had severe depression and anxiety for years, and a history of mental disorders older then our relationship.

Two years ago, prior to our third child's birth, he essentially lost it. A few weeks prior to the end of my pregnancy and our child's birth, I got a PFA against him because I simply did not feel safe. He physically assaulted me numerous times. Charges were dropped, after court apprearances and many conversations. When our third child was three weeks old, he lost it again, and I had him arrested. He was taken in, but bailed out by a friend three hours later. He was sentenced and was unable to have contact with me for a year. When his sentence ended, we discussed healing our family and trying again.

We have been together for nine years and have three children together.

Here it is two years after the assault, and he still refuses to acknowledge he did any wrong. He blames me. He says the whole thing is my doing and that I am lying. He has many people who believe his story. He still says he wants to heal our family and be together, but he refuses to actually act upon this. He attends marriage counseling with me, but spends the whole of the time there threatening me and accusing me of doing this all to him.

I'm so confused. This wasn't the man I married, and wasn't the man I was with for seven years. How is this possible? Is there any hope he might come back? If he can't see his own role in this, I don't know what to do. I've owned my own anger, sadness and frustration. I've even tried owning more then is mine to own, and this does nothing. I feel so alone.

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[EaglesJuju]

Hi Butterfly12,

I am sorry that you had to endure physical abuse. I can imagine how painful and confusing it must be to endure that and not have your husband accept responsibility.   Does the physical abuse still occur and do you have a safety plan intact?

People with BPD (pwBPD) have a very hard time accepting responsibility for their behaviors. Many times it has to do with their inherent feelings of shame.  At the core, a pwBPD has low self-worth, self-esteem,  and self-loathing. To avert the feelings/emotions associated with their negative view of self, a pwBPD will engage in maladaptive defense mechanisms, such as dissociation. PwBPD tend to have emotional avoidance when faced with emotional environmental/situation stimuli. It is the ostrich syndrome, avoiding things that happened. 

I understand how frustrating and confusing it is for you to accept responsibility for your behavior and feelings. Unfortunately, due to a lack of emotional regulation a pwBPD is cannot do this the same way a non-disordered person can. It is very confusing when a pwBPD seems like there is two sides to them. One minute they are loving and caring and then the next minute they are volatile. Much of the "different sides" are a result of emotional dysregulation.  Learning about the BPD behavior really helps to understand why your husband is behaving this way. Have you had a chance to read about the disorder?

I have felt like I was all alone before I started learning about BPD. This site truly helps us connect to others who are going through similar situations. Posting here and asking questions really does help.  Keep posting, we are here for you.   

[Ceruleanblue]

If you are like me, the fact that he takes no responsibility is almost worst that the initial abuse? That was how I felt, anyways. My BPDh has been physical quite a few times, but he never really takes responsibility. He somehow blames me. Now, tonight I lost my cool and threw a shoe at him. Not to hurt him, but I'll readily admit I was mad/hurt because he'd said several hateful things to me today, and he lobbed one last insult at me as I was leaving. Now, I was wrong to throw the shoe at him, and I fully admit that. He knows I always own what I do wrong, but to him that makes no difference. I'll take blame that is mine, and apologize, or try to make it right. Wait though, he'll make my lobbing a shoe at him(we joke about my bad aim, as I can't manage to throw things in the garbage or anywhere with any accuracy), as the worst thing ever, but my bruises from his physical attacks were instantly forgotten!

With BPD, this seems especially hard for them. It's like if they accept blame, something bad will happen. He always wants me to take "my share" of the blame, too. Sometimes, I don't feel any of the blame is mine, but he always wants me to share in it. I don't get that at all.

The traits of BPD sure can confuse the person who is on the receiving end. I used to question if it was me, not him. I used to think I could stop setting him off. Even using the tools we learn here, it's not easy living with him, and his moods.