ROFR and not Being the Dad

[scraps66]

Curious if anyone's ROFR clause includes activities, that, if the custodial parent is not available to take a child to an activity, the other parent must be asked, first, before anyone else can take the child to the activity.  Over the last year or so, and beyond that, my exNPD/BPD has taken every opportunity to portray her boyfriend as the dad, not me.  Now what is happening is if they have a conflict, S8 has a baseball game and S10 has an activity, the boyfriend takes S8 to his game, then ex shows up later.  I think she should be asking me to take S8 to the game, not the boyfriend.  I usually show up, and last game, watched the game with the boyfriend.  Then the boyfriend starts telling me how S8 is the best on the team and he should be playing more and he has a good mind to talk to the coach.  Huh?  So I, the dad, have to sit here and hear this and almost feel as if I have to "step up" but I don't agree with intervening between my kid and his coach.  My feeling, the coach is boss when at the games/practices.

In the grand scheme this seems petty, I guess, but it is happening for a reason.  During coparent counseling my ex would say, "I feel like I'm parenting with my partner," meaning, I'm parenting with my partner - not you, Scraps!  The distorted interpretation, "I'm choosing to parent with my partner, not you, and I never parented with you, my partner is better at parenting than you ever were or will be."

I've kept this stuff under wraps and keep doing what I know is right for both children, but the next opportunity I get to modify our Order, I will try to introduce as many of these requirements as I can.

Also, ex has not followed the ROFR from day one.  Difficult to prove, but I can prove a few years ago that she is not.

[whirlpoollife]

It is not petty , scraps. This is intentional , but so much so that it is the everyday norm for her.    I wish I had advice but I live with this too on the RoFR. I know xh is not with kids all the time .

Kids go to his family often when he's not around. His family does not want anything to do with me so they could care less about RoFR. My family is far , so his family is primarily their extended family.

It hurts because it puts me, the mom, as the lone outsider. 

Maybe the response words to the boyfriend could be , thanks for being happy and concerned for my S but I will take of things, or , thanks bf but I have it covered. 

[bravhart1]

How long has BF been in the picture?

Does BF have kids of his own?

Maybe just a brief response of " wow, that might be appropriate for you to advocate on behalf of my son if his dad was out of the picture, but since I'm right here BF I think that would be stepping over the line. Thanks for your concern for my son, but I assure you I'm right here, it hard enough to parent with ex as you know, I'm not sure you realize how hard it is to be me, getting marginalized by ex as it is. Please don't make this harder by trying to step into my role. Maybe if you could help ex support my relationship with S then this dynamic would be easier for all of us, especially S."

[Eco]

Maybe just a brief response of " wow, that might be appropriate for you to advocate on behalf of my son if his dad was out of the picture, but since I'm right here BF I think that would be stepping over the line. Thanks for your concern for my son, but I assure you I'm right here, it hard enough to parent with ex as you know, I'm not sure you realize how hard it is to be me, getting marginalized by ex as it is. Please don't make this harder by trying to step into my role. Maybe if you could help ex support my relationship with S then this dynamic would be easier for all of us, especially S."

I like this advice, I would definitely say something to that effect. In my opinion BF is overstepping boundaries. Is he trying to impress your ex as a take charge guy? I would be in the same situation but my ex cant keep a man longer then 3 months before they run for the hills.