A broader context of my situation

[Daniell85]

Me: We are long distance. About 400 miles. He refuses to answer my calls since this happened. Thought of driving over but figured door would be slammed in my face. :/


formflier: OK... is there a plan for you guys to be in same city again sometime?

Why are you guys living apart right now?  Or has it been that way for a while.

FF

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It started out long distance.

The plan has been for him to come to be where I am. We had been going back and forth every other weekend until this happened.

I have not been pressuring him on it. He has been getting a ton of pressure from his family( mom, sister, brother's widow) to stay where he is. Essentially he kind of tied himself up with assisting them financially and they are afraid if he leaves, they will not get further support. They will, but they are very upset, demanding. And he is in a well of guilt, frustration, and out right anger at this point that he is constantly upset.

I'm staying out of it, except to reassure him that I am fine with his continued assistance to them. His widowed sister in law has really got onto him about being there for his brother's kids. She wants him to visit them every week. He literally is avoiding it, and then the drama fires up.

He is constantly going in circles on this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

OK... .I think I'm about "there" in your story.

What is "this" that happened?  The ST?

Also... .why tell him that you are fine... .or not fine... .with him assisting family members financially?  His money... .his decision... .

Did he ask you what you thought?

FF

[Daniell85]

"This" is the latest round of silent treatment. He has refused to speak to me since June5.

We had a small conflict that he escalated immediately upon beginning to talk, lost his temper, and blocked me on facebook. He had just visited for the weekend. I know he was exhausted, and already upset due to conflicts with family. And I didn't know anything about BPD stuff. validating and so on.

Since then, he has refused telephone calls, and I have not attempted to drive over and knock on his door. He clearly needs space. He has sat himself on Skype where I am typically logged in 24/7. We have talked a lot there in the past. Now he refuses to talk. I did try to start a conversation a few days ago. He refused to respond. But he sits there.

In terms of the money, yes, we have discussed it. He is stretched thin, living with his mom and sister to save on rent, and so on.

His family have vocalized to both of us their worries. If he comes to me, we marry, and they are worried they will lose support.

He and I talked about this. He is all over the place on it. Of course I want him here with me. I own my home, and have a small renewable energy business  The point being, he doesn't have to worry about rent, etc, and if he wants to keep supporting family, he can.

I'm not out to control what he does with his money. He is very concerned about taking care of me. I mean I am financially sound. He knows that. But he feels as a husband it's his job.

He can't support his family and support me the way he believes he should.

I am not requiring anything.

Hopefully that made sense.

[ptilda]

Insecurities do wonders to make them lash out. That was mine. When he was in Haiti, he was in control and things were more stable. Once he got here, without a car, job, or really any friends or family, he started to blame me for his lack of direction and read into everything. He felt like he was being held back, so he blamed me for doing it even though I was actively participating in helping him find work and be independent.

I don't care who says otherwise, healthy male function requires that they are able to feel like they are providing. So he does have a point here. But getting to the point is the problem if he won't speak with you.

[Daniell85]

The best I can tell is his family is putting a ton of pressure on him and he feels he can't escape it. The level of guilt he is feeling is near crippling. He has expressed that to me. Then on top of it I am trying to recover from him cheating, so that is piling more pressure and massive guilt.

He doesn't want to deal with me on the cheating. He gets really angry at me for triggering. That is, I get upset and ask for support or reassurance, and admittedly I am not exactly doing it with kid gloves sometimes.

That is, I am triggering and panic and get a bit upset ( not a huge amount, I just need a hug and some reassurance or something explained to clear up things) and he feels he reaches a limit and lashes out at me. If I don't immediately remove myself ( and typically I do) it can escalate to him threatening me and me freezing up or saying something he feels is goading him. So he blocks me and we have a silent treatment episode that can go for a few days to 4 months ( the longest one).

He feels I am wallowing in the past and can be very disrespectful to me about how "blaming" I am.

He's tired of being everyone's bad guy and feels constantly cornered and badgered.

In terms of my causing him stress, I don't feel I am wallowing. He flat out has refused all along to talk about what he did, defaulting to reminding me he apologized (once) and basically get over it Danielle or we will have no future.

I am kind of tired on it, too.  I feel like I am being let down and beaten up for having an injury he caused. I didn't do this to myself.

Anyway, tons of issues.

[Daniell85]

Also, was able to see my therapist today.

In terms of my boyfriend, and past traumas, she said the important thing is for me to cope and be able to lead a productive, positive life.

In terms of my boyfriend and Skype, she said it's up to me how much I want to be there. She says both he and I are there, so neither one of us want to be "over". She thinks he is doing a bit a game playing.

What I have decided to do on that is take a break on being online on Skype until Monday. Weekends have been really hard for me on that stuff.

[formflier]

  He flat out has refused all along to talk about what he did, defaulting to reminding me he apologized (once) and basically get over it Danielle or we will have no future.

OK... .direct question... .can you get over this?

Should you get over this?


What would you like him to do in order to help you get over this or to "prove" to you that he is contrite?


FF

[Daniell85]

I don't know if I can get over it.

I have told him that his apology to me is in how he treats me now, that words are nice, but I needed other things.

I needed some patience, tolerance and kindness. By that I mean not calling me names or bullying me when I expressed anxiety. Often just a hug from him and him saying he understood and things are ok.

I told him after last summer's ST from him of 4 months, that if he felt he didn't have capacity, then fair enough, but if he saw me retreating, taking a couple of days to keep my composure on my own... then that was why. I am trying to stay calm. Wasn't leaving, just needed time.

He assured me he had capacity to work with me. Most of the time over the last 9 months, he has shown more capacity. As a result, things were getting better, and he was hearing about it less and less. I thought we were healing.

This silent treatment did involve a mild episode of anxiety for me. I actually made a little joke about it, and he went into a rage at me, threatening me, saying nasty things. When I expressed up set at that, he threatened to block me and ST. I pointed out if he did that then he essentially loses me because he has blocked me, etc.

So he blocked me and has been giving me ST.

I am doing the therapy. I probably need it over all. One of the things I am hoping will come out of it is to lessen that anxiety/ cheating triggers so I am simply able to quietly step away and not bring it to him, since he gets so upset about it.

I don't know what else to do. In my heart, I feel he should be on board with me, but reality is saying he is not willing/able to. I am really sad about that. It's taking value out of the relationship for me in a big way.

[formflier]

As a result, things were getting better, and he was hearing about it less and less. I thought we were healing.

Hmm... .curious... .how often would you bring it up?  Why would he need to hear about it more than once or twice?

Do you both have the same definition of healing?

Here is the thing... .only you can decide if cheating is ok or not for the r/s that you are in.  He gets to decide the same for himself. 

If your values aren't matching... .then both need to think long and hard about the future of the r/s.

If you both value monogamy... .and there was a cheating episode that is now past... .there is hope for the future.

Forgiveness is key if you have decided to move towards the future. 

Thoughts?

I'll wait on your responses before continuing to make sure I haven't made too many assumptions.

FF

[Daniell85]

Have you been cheated on?

[Daniell85]

Ok, I needed to step away a while in order to be able to answer you.

First, I am curious why you would ask why myself or anyone else who has been cheated on why they wouldn't need to talk to their cheating partner about it more than once or twice.

People who have an affair don't want to talk about it at all. If they do, they typically continue to lie, gaslight, and take the affair underground for at least a while. The spill the truth out in bits and pieces... .there is a term for that: "trickle truth".

I actually didn't want to talk to him about details. There is a kind of horror I feel of it all. He had me fooled for quite some time. I was having doubts, so he would sit me down and chasten me for my lack of trust, saying we could always be together, but I needed to trust him. He said it was all in my head and "this is a fight you have to fight, I can't help you."

While he was putting me down for not trusting him, he was lying to me.

I read something about affairs once. First you lose your faith in them, and then you lose your faith in yourself.  It's the result of gaslighting.

So I didn't try to talk about it. He feels 100% entitled to withhold any information he feels like. And rages if there is any implication from me that he is not forgiven.

He did a huge amount of damage. And is mostly unremorseful.

I am not saying the relationship has been healthy. I have spent ages absolutely baffled by his attitude. He treats ME like I am the one who chose such an egregious series of actions. It has been a struggle for me, trying to understand.

Instead I have gotten lied to some more, mocked and made fun of. It's a little hard to heal when the person who hurt you thinks it's smart to make fun of you for showing hurt.

He also has continued contact with his affair partner. She is a co-worker. She wants a relationship with him. They work together a couple of times a month. He takes her out to lunch. And tells me I am stupid to think he is doing anything with her that is unprofessional.

A lot of my confusion has cleared up lately since finding this site. I can follow the messed up logic he has now. I don't agree with it.

The idea of healing. Wow. I am afraid I had a really strong reaction to some of your comments. I realize you are coming from a place of earned wisdom.

The comment about forgiveness. I am dealing with a major panic disorder ( diagnosed by a medical doctor) that has gone full bloom under the head games I have been the recipient of.

Now maybe what you are thinking is why Danielle did you not exercise your right not to be treated that way and enforce a few boundries?

Literally I have been so confused I haven't known if I was coming or going. I am getting some direction at this point and some things are starting to clear up.

Maybe with the tools here and some compassion and understanding, he and I could have it mostly a positive relationship.

And while I am upset about ST, I am also seeing it as an opportunity to learn and work through a lot of things while NOT trying to handle his constant "mad at the world " issues atm.

I started the therapy with the deliberate intent of trying to unhook the trauma from my mind. Until I am able to do that, I am not sure how far I will get on healing.

I am guessing at some point I will forgive. I'm not there, yet.

What I feel he should be doing to help heal things... and what appears to be BPD on his part, tells me that I am looking at a situation where he's not going to do it. That leaves me on my own. With someone who tore my life apart, isn't sorry for it, and pretty much hates me for ruining our relationship with all of my stupid pain and fear.

That's a little hard to process very quickly.

[formflier]

Have you been cheated on?

Yes... .really sucks.  Didn't find out until years later.

Let me do some thinking on how I can describe my reaction/healing process.

FF

[formflier]

First, I am curious why you would ask why myself or anyone else who has been cheated on why they wouldn't need to talk to their cheating partner about it more than once or twice.

I was interested in why... .or what you were getting out of bringing it up again... .

Let me put together a response... .I'll be back later.

FF

[Daniell85]

ok. To clarify what I meant. I have triggers. So I then have a panic attack. If he sees the panic attack, he gets angry. I am able to hide a lot of them, simply because we are not in the same room.

Sometimes I can't. So when he sees the panic attack, he becomes insulting to me. So I say, I am going to step away to calm down. He won't leave it alone. So I get more insults, sometimes called mentally ill. Believe me when you are in a major panic attack, that is not helpful.

So I kind of get upset and I tell him, considering I am having this problem because of what you have done and I am trying to work through it, I think maybe you shouldn't be surprised ( and bullying me) when I sometimes have problems with anxiety or even get a little upset when something looks weird to me.


THAT is the context in which I bring it up. He knows I am having the panic attack because of what he did. And I am not just sitting around having them. I have been to therapy, learned ways to calm them down, I take meds for anxiety, and now I am back in therapy.

And what is setting me off? His continued contact with his affair partner. Or he lies about something and I get triggered.

Honestly I am not trying to drag him through the muck over and over. Simply, when he sees me having a panic attack and he abuses me while I am having them, sometimes I get sharp with him.

And then he rages, threatens and every once in a while blocks me and gives me a long term silent treatment.

Hope that helps. I know anything to do with his affair coming from me will get me emotionally and mentally abused, so I AVOID it unless I lose composure in a panic attack.

[formflier]

 

I believe I understand the situation.  I'll say more later about forgiveness... .but have some thoughts on panic attack.

They suck... .bigtime.

I have PTSD... .it is well managed now.  I haven't had a panic attack in a long time.  They were tough to get through.  Many times I was "teetering"... .and my wife's rages pushed me over the edge... .yet... .she would deny she raged... .try to put all responsibility on me.

Very frustrating... .very hurtful... .there was a bad dynamic for a while (before I new about BPD)... .where I figured if I could convince her of "my view"... .she would "get it".

In reality... .my trying to explain my side... .made things worse.  Of course... .things she did... made it worse as well.

Anyway... .for me... .my issues got much... much better the less I involved my wife and the less I "put" responsibility on her for "my" issues. 

So... .how might this apply to your situation.

It seems that your partner does not have the capability to respond properly or support you in a panic attack.  So... next time one comes... .it is up to you and your mental health team to deal with it.

Leave him out of it... .

Don't explain this time him... .don't justify... .take care of yourself... .

When it is over... .go on about your life... .discuss with your mental health team... .

For a long time... .this didn't seem "fair" to me... .but... after seeing positive results... .my advice to you is to focus on what works... .rather than what feels good or seems fair.

I'll ask a couple closing questions and then hush for now.

Has your partner shown any ability to properly support you in a panic attack? (I want to make sure I get this right)

Is there any indication or plan that you know of where your partner is trying to get better at the way he supports you during a panic attack?

Hang in there! 

FF

[Daniell85]

Plans...

Ok, after the last silent treatment, which ended last August (2014), I talked to him about the panic attacks. Typically I have had them as he starts threatening me, etc. So he is unsupportive. He has called me names, says I am mentally ill, messed up, and that I am not having a panic attack, but am having a "rage attack".

I talked to him about them last fall and explained to him that if I have them, I need to step away to calm down. He doesn't like that and would leave baiting, nasty messaged. Then I am upset again and start big long explanations for why I have them... .JADE. I can verify telling him much of anything doesn't work.

Well we got on and he stepped forward and ask how he could help me. I told him when he sees I am having a panic attack to offer a hug, some reassurance.

He was trying. Doing better as time goes on. Every once in a while, he would lose it and smack me around. A couple of times I go back to my JADE then, explaining I am panicking because I am triggered over his affair. So he gets furious, bullies, makes fun of me ( telling me I am crazy, and how he doesn't feel safe with me).

We were kind of muddling a long, I was optimistic. Then we had another episode and I actually didn't get all that upset. He did some weird stuff and had come up with this bizarre, totally BS explanation. He had some account hacked, had to blah blah. It didn't make sense to me. I thought to myself, "girl you really don't want to go there... "  I just said, "weird", and let it go.

Later when I saw him, he was hostile and attacking. It all blew up and back to ST.

He refuses to address any of his own issues outside of himself. That is, he defaults to refusing to engage with anyone he doesn't have to. He goes inside himself.

He has told me basically that he wants me to be calm and cheerful and happy like I was before his affair. I was happy. Really happy. He holds over my head and threatens to leave because I am not that girl right now.

[formflier]

First... .I want to say you are a great poster... .the detail and thought you put in... .help me and others "see" your situation.

Keep it up!  

 I thought to myself, "girl you really don't want to go there... "  I just said, "weird", and let it go.

Also... it is obvious you are looking at the idea of "not going there" as being good... .

Keep focusing on that.  it's not because of you... .it's because of him.  

Here is the thing... .they say and do weird stuff... .because it "gets" them something.  Most likely we will never figure out what that is... .exactly... .but very likely it is a dysfunctional coping mechanism.

So... .they say weird things... .we react... .they are in a place where they are ok (I prefer to not say "happy"... .but they are comfortable... .because the dysfunction is something they are used to.

Break that cycle!

You don't have to be silent... .responses like "Interesting... .I'll have to consider that for a while... ."... .let them know they were heard... .and... most likely is something you can say authentically and evenly.  

 Typically I have had them as he starts threatening me, etc.  

So... .think about a person that would write the above statement... .how does person "seem" to you?

How would a person be viewed that said it this way.

"Typicially I have had them when I have chosen to listen to him threatening me"


Which one of those two people do you want to be?

 

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Danielle,

I want to share my experience in case you may find that part of it could be helpful to you.

I have cPTSD and my pwN/BPDtraits was often triggering me.  Sometimes intentionally.  Sometimes unintentionally.

We would go to MC together and we would relay a disagreement.  MC initially took an approach of trying to get BF to be aware and sensitive to my panic and then soothe me appropriately.  (vs rage at me)

Long story short... .

This approach backfired.  BF began looking for my panic, now equipped to better identify it, and accused me of being panicked.  He used these observation skills to focus on my "faults" vs support me.  He used focusing on my "faults" as a reason to not see that he had any faults of his own to work on.

It appeared that BF, in becoming both aware, and being given a sense of responsibility for it, got infuriated at me for any anxiety I had.  (giving me further legitimate reason to be anxious with him)

So one day we went into MC, BF distorted the facts about an argument that ensued.  He accused me of being "violent" even though I was not.  MC spent the session focusing on my "bad behavior" and any attempts I made to explain the reality of it were seen as me minimizing and not really accepting my part.  It was soo confusing. I explained that YES, I WAS panicked in the situation, however, ANYONE without PTSD also would be panicked in the same situation.  I explained the difference and how even when I am in a PTSD panic, I am also rational and can see where my behavior is and isn't appropriate to the situation.  Having PTSD does not automatically mean that I am exaggerating, or unaware, or inflaming the reality or my perception... .but I can see how it is confusing BF and causing him to not trust anything.

The solution... .

I met with the MC in private to explain the situation again... .without BF present to skew the facts.  MC agreed, in the same situation, he also would have reacted in a similar fashion, and I was in fact not over reactive, but appropriately reactive. 

He asked me if I could from now on: "Take PTSD off the table"

What he meant was could I have discussions and NOT bring up my PTSD.  I said absolutely.  What BF did was not ok... .yes it triggered my PTSD and I wanted to talk about that... .but if talking about it meant that BF had a wild card to escape any responsibility... .then I could deal with the PTSD matters on my own... .without BF help.

So we changed the approach.  This worked... .

We stopped talking about the PTSD... .let it fade from the conversations.  I delt with any PTSD issues in a private session or other means.  Then BF lost that as a tool to escape from looking at himself.

So that is my story.  I found it sad to think that something so important to me as my PTSD was not something I could completely share with my partner... .but that was the reality anyway as it triggered his own guilt.  It did evolve though that I could discuss PTSD if he was not the trigger, and it was in a small dose when I was not in the moment of the emotion.

So to your situation... .

It is my opinion that when a partner cheats... .(I admit I learned from Dr. Phil... )

That it is the cheater's responsibility to take things out of the ditch.  His responsibility to not only own up to it, but also provide extra reassurance to rebuild that trust... .even take extra measures and put up with all your insecurities that were created by doing things such as understanding your need to know where he is etc.  ... .and do so in a loving, compassionate spirit... .because he "broke" that and is now lovingly trying to undo the harm he caused the r/s.  And that it is his role to assume... .as Dr. Phil says ... ."until"  until you trust again.  Now, if that is something you can get out of a pwBPD... .probably not a reasonable expectation at all.

[formflier]

  Then BF lost that as a tool to escape from looking at himself.

That it is the cheater's responsibility to take things out of the ditch. 

Now, if that is something you can get out of a pwBPD... .probably not a reasonable expectation at all.

Sunflower describes how it "should be" and then sees the reality of a pwBPD traits trying to do this.

I've been thinking about this situations for a while... .I'll try to put my thoughts down on that before I end for the evening... .

FF

[Daniell85]

The understanding of the BPD takes away a lot of the choices I felt I was being presented with. Talk to him, don't talk to him. Let him know how I feel, don't let him know. Massive panic attack because I caught him in a lie... .some stupid, silly lie.

Formflier, the clear choice is to leave when it starts. The confusion is cleared up about why I am getting abused, rather than a hug and a kiss to show I am loved and to give me reassurance.

Honestly. A little black humor is, the way it is most effective to handle it (since he seems to be BPD) is exactly the way he has been trying to force me to handle it all along: the consequences of his affair to me is not his problem.

Kind of depressing stuff to me.

[Daniell85]

I talked to him. I picked up the phone and called and he answered.

He feels that time is needed to calm things down. He says he is staying very busy and is directing his thoughts elsewhere. He feels upset when he thinks of all the problems we have had. He is worried about more in the future. He says he feels so sad/bad at feeling that he is always being told he is so terrible.

He says right now he needs a break from it.

His take is that it's me. That my traumas are causing US problems. So he tried to reassure and tell me to think good thoughts and rest and recover.

He then asked about things in my life, how they are going. We had a nice short conversation. He could tell I am sad and he said not to be sad.

What I took from that conversation is he is not "done", but he is worried about more discord.

I think that as long as he thinks I am not ok, he will be anxious about me reminding him of what he did because he is seeing the pain I am in. It upsets him. He doesn't like feeling guilty or blamed. He wants to put it all in the past (TM) and move forward.

I realize at some point people have to move forward. I am not ready yet. I didn't tell him that. I just said ok, we can give it more time for things to calm.

I may not be expert at validating yet, but I am reasonably sure I didn't invalidate him. I was really anxious, so my brain kind of froze.

[Daniell85]

Felt really depressed all day. I guess I feel like all of this has been projected onto me.

What I am asking myself is am I able to heal so well he won't see me trigger and have panic attacks.

One of the things he has tended to always do is rewrite history to make his actions justifiable. I feel that thing about silent treatment being a game. Not a funny game, but one meant to disempower the recipient. He talked to me carefully, but I keep feeling like the whole play was to establish him as the moral authority with me the person who needs to behave properly.

I think he could tell how defeated I am feeling. This is something new for him. Usually I am saying hey we can work it out, hey its ok.

He sent me a link to that Roxette song, Listen to Your Heart.

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you have been feeling depressed.   I understand how you could feel depressed with all of the projection. It can be really hard to not take the blame for our pwBPD's behaviors and learn to depersonalize it.

What I am asking myself is am I able to heal so well he won't see me trigger and have panic attacks.

What specifically is triggering you and making you have panic attacks?

[Daniell85]

When he has a work day with the woman he had the affair with. He "makes nice" and takes her to lunch. It happens about twice a month. It's just the 2 of them working as a team for the day. I told him I understand he has to work with her unless he gets another job. The lunch together is voluntary. I trigger off of that.

I have a ton of anxiety around these days. I never raise the affair issue with him unless I have a panic attack, try to address it, he feels "blamed" and being told he is "bad". So he reacts with anger and becomes verbally abusive.

He and I have talked about this dynamic. He says he feels attacked and is simply "counter attacking". He can't help it sometimes.

Result is I am riding anxiety and panic, and he is riding anxiety and frustration because "the past is the past and you are wallowing in it, Danielle".

The thing with a panic disorder, is after a while, the brain starts to associate more things with the trigger and the anxiety spreads outward. I can see this in myself, so the anxiety has become more general. I am able to trace it backwards, and have had good success with calming it down if I am alone.

If I can disengage from him during an attack, it goes better, but he gets mad when I excuse myself and says nasty things as I go. It's been really hard not to turn around and say "oh yeah? Why am I having this problem in the first place?"

BOOM

Blocked.

[Sunfl0wer]

You are having this problem in the first place because... .

You trusted in someone.  That person violated your trust. 

When someone "violates my trust" I have more anxiety about them.  I feel more cautious with them and their behaviors.  I feel like I cannot trust them to protect me or "have my back" so to speak... .therefore I have to be on more alert than previously to protect myself.

If I try to suppress my feelings of anxiety... .  It never works.  It makes me less safe and secure to tune out my minds only method of self preservation... .and the anxiety resurfaces.

[Daniell85]

Exactly so 

I understand he is upset at being seen as the "bad guy". Who wants to have the scarlet letter engraved on themselves as their identity? I get it.

The only way I know through this for ME is to continue seeing my therapist. She has an arsenal of tools to help out. Also I am looking at mindfulness on my own right now. Youtube, websites.

I think I can mostly be ok eventually, but feel doubtful that I can keep composure ALL the time with him. Loss of faith in myself, I guess.

[EaglesJuju]

I have a ton of anxiety around these days. I never raise the affair issue with him unless I have a panic attack, try to address it, he feels "blamed" and being told he is "bad". So he reacts with anger and becomes verbally abusive.

Have you tried discussing the affair with him when you are not having a panic attack? 

[Daniell85]

I have. He gets defensive and angry. He says what is there to discuss? He made a bad choice, he says. It's over, move on instead of staying "stuck" and "wallowing in the past".

He says there is no future for us if I continue wallowing. If I persist, he gets angrier, then bails on the conversation by hanging up, walking out, attacking me about my character and how worried I always am about myself.

In the last year, I haven't tried to talk about it. The upset isn't worth it to me. I only come out with it when I have a panic attack and he is degrading me over how I am acting, how immature I am being, how it is a "tantrum" and not a panic attack. It can easily escalate if I don't get out of there.

My last resort at this time is to try and cure the seed of the panic issue so I am not having the panic attacks. A lot of the energy has gone out of me with understanding about BPD.

See, I was baffled and making his behavior all about some messed up bad character thing ( which maybe it kind of is ) and  I thought if we talked things out eventually he would "get it".

What I understand is he does get it but he is up against some very powerful things inside of himself. I am sad that I am being tagged as the mentally ill, sociopathic one. I guess mainly because that tells me that he isn't facing for real how HE is handling things.

It's hard for me to truly accept. I am trying.

[formflier]

 

Has there ever been a time when you have had a reasonable conversation about the affair... .non-triggered... .non-walking out?

I understand that he doesn't seem to be "owning" the affair now... .but has he ever? 

Was there a sincere apology?

Did he ask for forgiveness?

FF

[formflier]

 

So... .it seems to me that you are in a place where you can put the past behind you about the affair... .however... .his continued "non work" contact with the person he cheated with (going to lunches that are not required for work)... .seems to be where the issue is... .or the "big" issue that is triggering.

Do I have this correct?  If not... please try to rephrase it.

FF