My ex is a narcissist with BPD: how do I help my children?

[knoxknox3]

Hello -

I'm looking for resources and advice.  I've been divorce for more than 5 years and have 2 children (12 and 14) and just earned primary custody of them.  Their mom (my ex) is a verbally and emotionally abusive narcissist with BPD.  In addition, she continues to find new ways to push the children for things she does not like (smashing an iPad with a hammer, submerging a new camera under water on a vacation, and refusing to take children to extra-curricular or school activities).  

What resources, tools, tricks can I employ to ensure my children's emotional development is headed in the right direction?  How do I find the right counselors to coach me on how to parent better and teach them coping skills?

Thank you.

[livednlearned]

Hi knoxknox3,

Welcome to bpdfamily 

I'm sorry you are in the position of coparenting with someone who has BPD. It's not just hard for us, it can be so painful for our kids. It's good that you have primary custody, although I am guessing that things had to be pretty bad for you to finally get primary custody.

There are tools and skills here that will help. Probably the most important that I've come across is validation. Parents with BPD have higher than average needs for validation, and everyone around them including the kids are highly invalidated. As the stable parent, we have to be the ones to help our kids label and know their emotional states. This is the cornerstone of developing emotional resilience and a stable sense of self.

How are the kids doing right now? What kind of relationship do they have with their mom? With you? What is the custody schedule?

I'm glad you're posting and reaching out for guidance. What I learned here has been a life changer for me and my son.



LnL

[david]

I found a therapist for myself. It took about 4 or 5 before I found a good fit for me. She helped me learned to listen better to our kids and validate what they were saying to me. Validation is the key.