Reassuring worries

[Depression = 72% of members]

My bf has been dysregulating off and on for the last month. He is going through severe depression and anxiety. I have been validating him and been supportive.

He has become increasingly worried lately. He has not told me specifically why, but I am assuming that it has to do with his self-esteem/self-worth. He has mentioned how he hates himself and is not "good enough." It most likely is leading to him in thinking that I will eventually leave him. 

Last night we were texting and having a normal conversation about what I did this past weekend. He has been aware of a situation in my family, where I am going to have to step up and assume a caretaker role for a family member. He kept saying, "EaglesJuju, this is a huge responsibility that will affect the rest of your life." I asked him whether it was making him worried about me. He said that this adds to the worries that he has already has about everything and he did not want to discuss it at this time, because it "would make both of us end up being extremely upset and hurt."

I think it was great that he did not react out of impulse or rely on his emotions to discuss it at that moment. 

I know where his fears are stemming from. When I saw him last, we discussed and made plans for me to move out there once I graduate.  He does not directly bring up the plan, because he tends to avoid things as a coping mechanism.

I told him that I understand that if he feels that discussing his fears/worries at a time when he is emotional is not a good idea. I told him that I love him. He never responded to the text. I do not know if he got the text, because sometimes he does not receive my texts due to his service provider.

I know that space is probably a good thing for him, but I feel that I should text him and let him know that I am still here for him. Any suggestions what I should say or do?

[EaglesJuju]

My bf has been dysregulating off and on for the last month. He is going through severe depression and anxiety. I have been validating him and been supportive.

He has become increasingly worried lately. He has not told me specifically why, but I am assuming that it has to do with his self-esteem/self-worth. He has mentioned how he hates himself and is not "good enough." It most likely is leading to him in thinking that I will eventually leave him. 

Last night we were texting and having a normal conversation about what I did this past weekend. He has been aware of a situation in my family, where I am going to have to step up and assume a caretaker role for a family member. He kept saying, "EaglesJuju, this is a huge responsibility that will affect the rest of your life." I asked him whether it was making him worried about me. He said that this adds to the worries that he has already has about everything and he did not want to discuss it at this time, because it "would make both of us end up being extremely upset and hurt."

I think it was great that he did not react out of impulse or rely on his emotions to discuss it at that moment. 

I know where his fears are stemming from. When I saw him last, we discussed and made plans for me to move out there once I graduate.  He does not directly bring up the plan, because he tends to avoid things as a coping mechanism.

I told him that I understand that if he feels that discussing his fears/worries at a time when he is emotional is not a good idea. I told him that I love him. He never responded to the text. I do not know if he got the text, because sometimes he does not receive my texts due to his service provider.

I know that space is probably a good thing for him, but I feel that I should text him and let him know that I am still here for him. Any suggestions what I should say or do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Is stepping up care for another likely to be seen as a competition for attention, or potential abandonment as you might not have enough time left for him?

I would emphasis that nothing will change, as fear of the status quo changing can be triggering. You moving to be with him in itself is an unknown change, you taking on a bigger care role is another potential change.

[EaglesJuju]

Is stepping up care for another likely to be seen as a competition for attention, or potential abandonment as you might not have enough time left for him?

I believe it is more along the lines of potential abandonment. He knows that my mother is extremely difficult (schizophrenic/Bipolar, co morbid NPD and BPD traits) and can be manipulative at times. I am assuming that he is thinking that the situation involving my mother will prevent me from moving in the future and my mother will make me feel guilty. Although I did tell him that my life does not revolve around my mother and I do not have to live near her to assume this responsibility. I was somewhat forced into this role of being a financial caretaker of my mother by the death of my grandmother and what she specifically stated in her will.

I would emphasis that nothing will change, as fear of the status quo changing can be triggering. You moving to be with him in itself is an unknown change, you taking on a bigger care role is another potential change.

I really do not think anything will change at all. The problem is that he does not want to bring up future plans of me moving out there, it is something that is implied but never spoken. The last time I spoke about moving, he avoided it with "taking things slow."  Since then, I have not directly mentioned anything.  We made plans for me to visit within the next two months and he seemed really excited.  

I am debating on whether or not I should reach out.

[waverider]

Does he have a fear of being exposed as not good enough/fear of failure?

[EaglesJuju]

Does he have a fear of being exposed as not good enough/fear of failure?

Yes, he is always saying that he hates himself and cannot see any positive attributes that he has. He tends to say quite often that I am "amazing" and I deserve to be treated as such. 

I validate that he is suffering and I understand why he could feel like that.

[waverider]

I would keep on doing what you are doing in a slow steady low key way, minimizing potential drama otherwise you run the risk of him catastrophizing things.

if you keep prodding him for a response it can feel like pressure to deal with it, causing a  fight or flight reaction