Trying to feel connected

[SandWitch]

I am a child of a mother with BPD.  Now I am in my 50's and still feel like I will never have myself.  Most of my life my main identity has been some form of caregiver.  Raising my children saved my life so I do not regret that at all.  But I am trying to get out of the care giving field. 

Almost one year ago, I met a man who swept me away - I had not dated in over 2 years because I seem to be all or nothing with no boundaries.  After I moved in he revealed that he has cyclothymia/borderline personality disorder.  My life is a roller coaster of being loved and dancing with a partner to being told I am bad for feeling sad.  I must be happy and validating.  When we are good - we are awesome.  When he withdraws - goes flat line I feel punished and rejected.  I blame myself even though I know I didn't do anything wrong.  My life feels unstable and I am not sure I can see a future for myself.  This scares me - observing the person who feels like it is pointless to try anymore. 

I have a few counseling sessions.  I am trying so hard to learn to make my own happiness - after all I have been alone primarily since 2014.  It is hard - I really feel that a loving partnership is an important part of life but seem to draw folks like my mom.  I know I am intelligent - I have worked hard to learn healthy communication - I am supportive and loving.  Today I think that I am doing good.  He is in a down period - sleeping a lot and I found things that I had been wanting to do and was able to take joy in them. 

What scares me is the way I feel when he is distance - usually not due to something I actually did but instead his feelings boiling over and being aimed at me. It is like being sent to my room for hours when I was a kid - after being verbally told how bad, awful, unlovable, etc. I was by a screaming, angry adult with the emotional maturity of a child. 

I know no one can fix me.  I know that I should leave - I cannot afford to as I gave up a good job to move in.  I don't want to give up on us because when it is good it is wonderful.  I wonder - am I too black and white?  I blame myself a lot.  Just hoping that saying it out loud will help me not feel shattered or overwhelmed and I can function and make healthy choices.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hello SandWitch,

Not all, but quite a few of us, are drawn to partners with BPD traits due to what you describe about your mom (raises hand). It's good that you've processed this. It took me many months of being here to start to think about my mother. Then this past summer she admitted that she was BPD. I encourage you to explore your feelings about your mother on the Coping and Healing Board.

Now, however, you are struggling in your current r/s. The Staying Board here is where you can find the best support on learning to interact with your man. You will learn more about BPD, and aalso communication techniques which can help reduce conflict. Take a look at the lessons in the right side bar. Senior members here can help support you in your relationship. I also hope to see you back on the Coping and Healing Board to talk about your mom. I'm a Leaver (my Ex left me), but being self-aware enough to relate you current r/s with your Familiy Of Origen, means your are one step ahead to making things better.



Turkish

[EaglesJuju]

Hi SandWitch, 

I would like to join Turkish and welcome you. 

It is really tough coping with behaviors of your partner that trigger feelings that you had when you were a child.     I have experienced the same thing with my person with BPD (pwBPD)  and it is really painful to have my him act in a way that triggers up painful memories of my mother's behavior (BPD/NPD). As a result of the dynamics of my mother's behavior towards me, I have low self-esteem at times, abandonment fears, and a propensity to take blame/responsibility for other's behaviors.

Counseling and therapy really helps with issues of self esteem and self-worth.  You already are a step towards increasing your happiness and confidence, by recognizing the connection between your mother and pwBPD. That is awesome.   

Improving a relationship with a pwBPD is mainly reliant on you and your willingness to change your behaviors and thoughts. Through therapy, it has taken me awhile to understand that I cannot change my pwBPD's behavior or thoughts, but I can only change my own. Once I started working on my core issues and changing the way I perceived things, my relationship improved. Also, I learned not take the behavior of my pwBPD personally. It was really tough to get to that point, especially with your own issues stemming from childhood, but BPD behavior truly has nothing to do with you. I know it is hard and you feel like it is your fault, but it truly is not. It is the disorder. 

Learning about BPD behaviors and characteristics really help with depersonalizing behavior. Have you had a chance to learn about BPD?

I can understand how frustrating ambivalence is, when it is good it is wonderful. I have felt disappointed when the good times rapidly are eclipsed by tumult. Unfortunately, the extreme highs and lows are a part of BPD.  When you are going through a low period, I found it is best to focus on something that you like. Focusing on your needs and nurturing help build your self-esteem and confidence. Also, putting yourself first is a way to simultaneously work on breaking caretaker behaviors and improving a relationship with a pwBPD. 

Posting here really helps you work through things. You will find that there are many people here with similar stories.

Looking forward to reading your response.   

[SandWitch]

Thank you for your encouraging responses.  The wise part of me knows I need to talk to others - especially since I have not made many friends here due to working a lot and wanting to spend time with my guy.  I found some psych diagnosis paperwork after moving in and never got past the diagnosis line.  I shoved it in a box cause I felt like I was being intrusive - even though he asked me to sort things out - he says he isn't good at "real world" things.  Maybe I didn't want to know more.  I have studied some on BPD since I set boundaries with my mom (about 20 years ago) - after our first and last session the counselor told me that boundaries were really necessary in this relationship if I was going to protect myself from being torn down.  It was weird having someone see my mom in action and know that I wasn't crazy or bad.  Well, a little crazy cause it leaves scars; however, not hallucinating. 

My counselor now feels is encouraging me to leave.  I keep telling her that I know if I cannot be strong in the face of the episodes - feeling devastated and afraid that I will lose my hopes and dreams and not being able to see hopes in starting over again - yes, I probably should go.  But I want to try - to be sure.  So strengthening me is the answer - I know better than to try to change another - ESPECIALLY BPD persons. 

EaglesJuju:  "As a result of the dynamics of my mother's behavior towards me, I have low self-esteem at times, abandonment fears, and a propensity to take blame/responsibility for other's behaviors." 

Turkish:  I will check out the "Coping and Healing Board".  Also The Lessons links. 

Thanks,

SW

[EaglesJuju]

I have studied some on BPD since I set boundaries with my mom (about 20 years ago) - after our first and last session the counselor told me that boundaries were really necessary in this relationship if I was going to protect myself from being torn down. 

I agree with your counselor, boundaries are really important to set limits on what you will allow and accept. How are you doing with boundaries in your relationship?

I keep telling her that I know if I cannot be strong in the face of the episodes - feeling devastated and afraid that I will lose my hopes and dreams and not being able to see hopes in starting over again - yes, I probably should go.  But I want to try - to be sure.  So strengthening me is the answer - I know better than to try to change another - ESPECIALLY BPD persons. 

I understand how you could feel afraid that you may lose your hopes and dreams. I have to agree that strengthening you is the answer. I found the caveat to being in a relationship with a pwBPD, was my ability to work on myself. It is a paradox, but I learned to become a more mentally healthy and stronger person.  As I mentioned before, many of my issues came from the relationship with my mother. Throughout my own therapy and working on my issues, I simultaneously learned to depersonalize my pwBPD's behavior. 

What types of things do you like to do to achieve your hopes and dreams?

[SandWitch]

EaglesJuju - How am I doing with boundaries?  Embarrassed to say that I am probably not doing as well as I could.  This is my fear of setting off a negative response.  I see him trying too.  The first time this happened I read several articles that stated setting a boundary with a BP is like saying "cross this line".  That the boundary that you actually set is with yourself.  I have set three.  1. If he cheats I need to find a way out quickly.  My psyche won't withstand it.  2. If he is distant or blames me for his feelings which are extreme - I need to stop waiting for forgiveness and do little positive things for me to replace negative input.  3.  When the angry, blaming words start - I need to say "I love you, but I need a time out."  Instead of hanging my head and feeling bad about who he says I am.  Or even apologizing.  I do want to clarify what I mean because I get his filter may be hurting him - maybe I can learn the "hot" buttons. 

My dreams?  Having a roof over my head . . . knowing the bills are paid. It is a good day if I don't have to be somewhere and can just be.  Everything else is GRAVY.  Walks, time to be creative and enjoy nature touch me.  The one dream I had that I wrapped up and put away (after the last relationship) was a partner to share my life with.  That place that friendships don't fill.  Home.  I am okay by myself and do not pine for "someone".  Not much for the dating - looking for someone scene.  Just figured that it would either happen or not.  But once I am in - I am all in. 

Going to go do the lessons.

Thank you for sharing as it helps fight feeling isolated.

SW

[an0ught]

Hi SandWitch,

you are on the right track  

I need to say "I love you, but I need a time out."

This is absolutely the right direction. However often words matter, order of messages matter. So in this case:

 "I love you" start out invalidating (why? - your emotions are dominated by being afraid, angry etc. so what you say is the opposite of what he sees and he can see what you feel on the surface) and it then followed by

 "but" which is negative and defensive

 "need a timeout" is almost asking for permission and not a decision you communicate.

A probably better way to get your message out is follow roughly the sET format.

1) first validate: "You are bloody angry" or maybe less accusatory "This discussion is moving to an explosion" or whatever words work for him

2) then facts in a b&w format starting with negative emotions that are dominating the situation complemented by a dialectical love you. Then no apology for course of action: "I'm getting upset too and still love you. I take a timeout now. ".

Again you are on a good track with boundaries. What matters with boundaries are your actions - they speak louder than words. Keep in mind that any message you send in boundary conflict situation may well be overheard or misinterpreted as the pwBPD is dysregulated already. Don't blame yourself if you are not getting through with your validating message in such a situation - even the more careful crafted and delivered message may fall on deaf ears. The key is not to add much oil to the fire, avoid JADE and exit without delay to live another day.

[SandWitch]

Thank you, an0ught, for the pointers. I see what you are saying.  I have been unable to access the board due to computer virus that basically destroyed my old machine.  

Another "event".  I am working with DBT to try to understand my own intense reactions to his and gain some sort of perspective that I am not some evil person who has done something wrong.  That if he withdraws or says he doesn't feel anything for me - I am not worthless and that life is not hopeless.  

From now on I will be processing my own feelings despite the fact he told me just three weeks ago that I shouldn't hide my feelings and the we could solve things together. A few days ago I was overcome with sadness and had gone to him and said I felt lonely - calmly not in tears or angry just those three words . . . wrong way to say it - he felt like I hurt him beyond belief. I am "needy". "Nothing he can ever do is good enough".  "I am wigging out". The slamming - the walking away - the total flat affect and withdrawal.  I was blown away. I will be honest - when he flips out suddenly on a statement and blames me for hurting him I am so confused. Let's talk about it - and learn what works and doesn't.  Let's joke about it.  But for him - this was another nail in the coffin.  He still is in distant depression mode sleeping, etc. He said he is having a hard time recovering from being "gut punched".  

I am trying to be a "big girl" and overcome my own feelings of punishment and fear of abandonment.  If I express any thing but happiness on a day on my job - it it hurts him.

I am trying to focus on the positive.  This morning he said, "I love you" and that he was sorry for our misunderstanding over the last two days.  Trying not to fear all the dreams he has encouraged me to have will go up in smoke.

Not knowing where I will go has upped the ante in the anxiety department. I have had to face the fact that I may end up in a woman's shelter - trying to candy coat this as a new chance but honestly part of me is over there in the corner banging my head against the wall and feeling that my life is a permanent downward spiral. My current part-time job is in a town without a shelter.  This would be the lowest my life has ever been.  The possible loss of the one thing I really valued in life - home with someone under the roof leaves me without vision of a future is heart-breaking.  Nothing seems to have purpose much of the time.  I missed a day of work.  :)epressed much?  

Monday, I am going to ask my doctor for an anti-depressant. Being a child of a BPD seems to make me even more vulnerable emotionally.  Maybe that will help me be more "stable".  I ran this by a friend who knows me well.  She said you are one of the least needy, most stable and supportive persons I know.  She said that I have isolated myself and lost so much of the self-esteem I used to have.  I think of myself as a happy person and am trying to connect again.  

Strangely - for the first time ever - I am not worried about him if it ends.  He has some much charisma and luck I believe he will be fine. In past break ups I have worried about them.  This time I know that I am the one that needs care most.

I get lost easily on this site.   Can someone give me a link to a lesson that will help me build some sort of wall against the accusations (disbelief that I am the root of his pain/anger) and help me to not say or do things that make it worse. All the mediation skill, active listening, etc seem as useful as trying to breathe on the moon.  

Thank you for providing a forum against isolation.

[an0ught]

I get lost easily on this site.   Can someone give me a link to a lesson that will help me build some sort of wall against the accusations (disbelief that I am the root of his pain/anger) and help me to not say or do things that make it worse. All the mediation skill, active listening, etc seem as useful as trying to breathe on the moon.  

This *may* be a gap you hit on, there is not much on that topic directly. The following strategies help:

1) Boundaries - JADE, walking away etc.

2) Outside contacts, helping you to ground in reality.

3) Validation - Sounds contra-productive, but by voicing it and associating the nonsense directly with him you shove the thoughts to a degree out of your head more effectively than by internally arguing them in your mind. Validating also decreases his need to repeat.

What does not work: Stonewalling. Stonewalling causes you to internally argue and also invalidate him so you get more of the nonsense.

[SandWitch]

3) Validation - Sounds contra-productive, but by voicing it and associating the nonsense directly with him you shove the thoughts to a degree out of your head more effectively than by internally arguing them in your mind. Validating also decreases his need to repeat.

Does this mean I agree with him that it is all me?  I see lessons over on the right hand side . . . number 3 is tools. I can see that that supports him in feeling heard but how do I buffer me from taking that into my identity then.  Will go there to see if I can understand. 

Can you please define "stone walling"? Like shutting someone out?  We have been able to establish that he pulls in and has a hard time coming out.  I walk a line between him feeling I am being distant by giving him space but being rebuffed if he isn't ready.  Sometimes, I just go play with my toys or do tasks.

It is hard for me because as a child I was verbally degraded/rejected and sent to my room for hours for saying things that pulled my Mom's trigger not really intense issues that needed that sort of discipline. Afterwards, there was never any emotional resolution or rejoining or discussion of the "lesson" I was supposed to learn - only that I was "bad" and that "the world would hate me" for it.  When I was allowed out it was as if the whole thing had never taken place.  This is my baggage - not something I expect someone to compensate for.

Thanx for pointing me to some places.