Verbal abuse

[Midwest]

Husband's verbal abuse culminated yesterday, he called me a w***e, told me his mother warned him about marrying me and concluded that one of my children is not his, after I told him "at least you have good children, with this w***e". Of course it's unsubstantiated. My question is - is his hatred for me so thong I might be in danger or should I just ignore it? This discussion was done in calm voice, while I was driving. This, after 54 years of marriage. No option of divorce. Our marriage is dead after his physical attack a couple years ago.

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[formflier]

Husband's verbal abuse culminated yesterday, he called me a w***e, told me his mother warned him about marrying me and concluded that one of my children is not his, after I told him "at least you have good children, with this w***e". Of course it's unsubstantiated. My question is - is his hatred for me so thong I might be in danger or should I just ignore it? This discussion was done in calm voice, while I was driving. This, after 54 years of marriage. No option of divorce. Our marriage is dead after his physical attack a couple years ago.

Midwest,

After 54 years of marriage... .that has to be a hard thing to hear from your spouse...

    

What can you do today and the next couple of days to take care of yourself and relax... .so you can take some time to explore the resources on bpdfamily

Was it a one way conversation... or were you participating?  Can you lay out how the conversation started... .and how it ended up in what he said... .

Very likely we can give you some pointers about how to redirect or stop difficult conversations.

What did you do after he said this?

Again... .  

We are here for you and can help...

FF

[sempervivum]

It´s so hard... .I know, but head up. 

My husband said something similar some 5-6 yrs ago, when our son started to grow very quickly (he is now 22 and 180 cms high).

He looked at him and said "I must make a DNA test for xxx, ´cause I am not that high."

His tone of voice was neither joke nor extremely serious, it was more a provocation. Only later I realized that he said it because he probably did have some inner fears. Anyway I said immediately "You shouldn´t have said that." And anger and resentment were visible with me.

He reacted that he did not mean it seriously.

I replied that for me these things are serious and if he had any doubts, we can make a test but I wonder what would he say after the test.

I am still not sure was it a proper thing to say.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Like FF, I wonder what the context is for this being said.

In my opinion, it is NEVER okay to call your wife a wh*re. That is one of those words that is used to degrade women on so many different levels.

54 years is amazing! How have you managed to stay without losing your mind?

I would NOT ignore it. I think I would find a way to bring it up as one of those things that you just don't do.

You have been with him for 54 years. Has he ever been physically violent before? Does he have any health problems that might contribute to this kind of behavior? How long has he been like this? Has he been verbally abusive for the whole 54 years or is this something new?

I am asking for a bit of context because of some of the things that happen as a person ages. If he hasn't always been like this, is it possible that dementia or Alzheimer's or some other mental thing could be at play? When is the last time he was checked out by a doctor?