Balanced way to deal with book we let SD9 read?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey, it's been a few weeks, and I'm back needing some help.

DH & I let SD9 (well, 9.5 now) take a certain book with her to Mom's house last week. The book, which I won't name (unless in a PM), is a classic award winner geared towards 10+ year olds. SD9 is a precocious reader. I'd never heard anything bad about the book, but granted I hadn't read it. One of SD9's friends, a few months older than her, was reading it, & I trust her mom's judgment, so DH & I thought it'd be fine for SD9.

Mom just told DH that while she has had The Talk with SD9, she hasn't discussed what this particular incident from the book is. Mom said that it took SD9 days to muster up the courage to ask Mom about what happened. I just read that blurb from the book, and honestly I do wish we hadn't let SD9 read it. It's unsettling, and yeah, would be better for 10+ year olds.

So... .why am I posting? I need some help on how to deal with my suspicions that Mom isn't just giving DH a heads up. I worry that Mom is crafting this narrative for SD9 that she is the only one that SD9 can feel "safe" talking to. Like, DH gave SD9 this bad book, and so it was DH that traumatized SD9, and SD9 should talk to Mom about it. So how can H sensitively deal with the fact that yeah, the book was probably too mature, without bolstering Mom's (probable) blame of DH as the source of the trauma?

I also feel angry with myself that I didn't preview the book. I just so, so assumed that it was OK. And now my assumption has fed Mom's narrative about DH (he's dangerous, hurtful, unsafe) even more, and given Mom another opportunity to be MOTY at DH's expense.

But I also need to remember that it's what SD9 NEEDS, no matter who provides it, that's most important. So can you help me keep a clear head on that? What would it look like for DH to give SD9 what she needs here?

[kells76]

Hey, it's been a few weeks, and I'm back needing some help.

DH & I let SD9 (well, 9.5 now) take a certain book with her to Mom's house last week. The book, which I won't name (unless in a PM), is a classic award winner geared towards 10+ year olds. SD9 is a precocious reader. I'd never heard anything bad about the book, but granted I hadn't read it. One of SD9's friends, a few months older than her, was reading it, & I trust her mom's judgment, so DH & I thought it'd be fine for SD9.

Mom just told DH that while she has had The Talk with SD9, she hasn't discussed what this particular incident from the book is. Mom said that it took SD9 days to muster up the courage to ask Mom about what happened. I just read that blurb from the book, and honestly I do wish we hadn't let SD9 read it. It's unsettling, and yeah, would be better for 10+ year olds.

So... .why am I posting? I need some help on how to deal with my suspicions that Mom isn't just giving DH a heads up. I worry that Mom is crafting this narrative for SD9 that she is the only one that SD9 can feel "safe" talking to. Like, DH gave SD9 this bad book, and so it was DH that traumatized SD9, and SD9 should talk to Mom about it. So how can H sensitively deal with the fact that yeah, the book was probably too mature, without bolstering Mom's (probable) blame of DH as the source of the trauma?

I also feel angry with myself that I didn't preview the book. I just so, so assumed that it was OK. And now my assumption has fed Mom's narrative about DH (he's dangerous, hurtful, unsafe) even more, and given Mom another opportunity to be MOTY at DH's expense.

But I also need to remember that it's what SD9 NEEDS, no matter who provides it, that's most important. So can you help me keep a clear head on that? What would it look like for DH to give SD9 what she needs here?

[DreamGirl]

I hate when we feel that we can't make mistakes as parents.  

We can though.

Mom's going to overreact because that's what she does. If she wants to blow it out of proportion, then the best you can do is just apologize for the mistake. "Hey, we blew it. Next time I'll definitely use better judgment. Thanks for talking to her." You can't control mom's narrative and I wouldn't waste a lot of time trying to prove her wrong in this one.

It really is OK to admit to your kids when you're wrong. I would tell your SD the same thing. "So sorry this was upsetting to you. I saw your friend reading it and really did think it would be OK to read. I'll pay better attention next time! I'm glad you have your mama and that she let us know that you were struggling with this, I also hope you know that you can talk to me about anything. I love you to pieces. "



It's also OK when a daughter goes to her mama to talk about sex (I'm assuming that's what this is in reference to). That tends to be the go-to parent for girls.

I can tell you're feeling pretty responsible for this. It's OK. We're human. Part of our own humanity is that we make mistakes.

Give yourself a break, kells.

Mom will make lots of mistakes too and don't forget to offer up some grace in that, she won't ever show it or admit it, but you'd be surprised how much it helps the relationship.  

[kells76]

Thanks, DG... .

As much as I do believe I'm gonna mess up, it is really, really hard when I do it in relation to the kids. It's that feeling like the stakes are already really high. I'll look for a time to apologize to SD9 soon -- right now it feels like all I can do.

I don't know why this has hit me so hard. Guess that's a question for counseling  

Part of it is that same old fear of seeing something happen to the kids that seems hurtful, and being totally powerless to stop it -- only this time I played a part in that hurt. Part of it is dealing with the unknown, too -- how did Mom handle The Talk? Was it age appropriate or too heavy for SD9? These questions seem to not have answers that DH & I can know objectively, ya know? SD9 filters what happens at Mom's house, and Mom has her own portrayal of events, so I feel so lost and in the dark.

Just feeling overall worn down, scared, and in over my head. But at least I can try to apologize.

[Thunderstruck]

Honestly, there is so much TMI on TV and the internet/facebook that it is hard to shield kids from sex. Last year when SD10 was 9, my sister became pregnant. She said ":)o you know what you have to do to get pregnant? It's disgusting." So sometime shortly before that she had learned about sex but we don't know where. My guess is TV (uBPDbm lets her watch adult shows).

I'm sorry that your SD was so upset by it. It sounds like she is nervous or feeling shame about sex? Or maybe she just doesn't understand? When I was little I didn't get "The Talk" and always felt weird about sex and my body. One thing a friend recommended to me that she did for her daughters was to keep a journal tucked away under their mattresses where they can write questions, then she would go and answer the questions when the girls weren't around. She would also take one of the girls out for dinner and let them ask any questions they had without getting into trouble. I guess I would want to find out why it was so troubling first before apologizing.

I can tell you, my SD10s uBPDbm has zero boundaries with my SD so she knows much more about adult relationships than she probably should. Unfortunately, what she does know (sexting, grooming, etc) is far beyond her level. I honestly don't even think uBPDbm ever had "The Talk" with SD10. So... .it kind of fell on me. Towards the end of school last year they had a "maturation talk" at school so DH and I started talking to her about the changes that will occur in her body. Then shortly after we found out that I was pregnant. We've had a lot of talks with SD10 tying my pregnancy into how the body matures and changes, being as honest and straightforward as we can. She has a lot of questions. Some things are difficult to explain but we really just do our best to be honest.

[livednlearned]

Hi kell76,

What about asking SD9 how she felt about reading the book? There may be a totally different story there than what bio mom is saying. I got into a drama triangle with S14's dad over a similar incident, and let N/BPDx drive a narrative that was very overblown, mostly because it tracked with my tendency to feel guilty. 

One thing that happens when you have BPD in your life is that it gets easy to can really step on the gas of all your guilts and doubts and failures, to the point where you don't let yourself make simple mistakes and shrug them off. It takes some effort to stay centered and grounded, because the gravitational pull is difficult for many people to resist BPD emotions and feelings.

After having a few of these flare up with N/BPDx, I started to check in with S14 instead of immediately atoning. It also gave him a chance to say how he really felt, I think. With his dad, he said what his dad wanted him to say. I pulled out the magic validation wand and that seemed to provide some relief -- S14 really needed to be ok with uncertainty and ambiguity so he could then figure out how he really felt, something his dad didn't permit.

[kells76]

Hey TS & LnL,

Thanks for your grounding feedback. It's true, there's a lot we can't shield them from. Adding weird mixed messages from Mom definitely confuses things, so I'll try to just check in with the kids first next time.

I did have a chance to apologize to sd9 -- told her I thought the book was gonna be ok, but I was wrong, because it had a weird, confusing scene in it. That I was sorry about that and I would try to do better next time.

She seemed surprised at first, then said it was no big deal, but that DH shouldn't use it for the class he's teaching (of OLDER) kids. Sounded like Mom's words, but whatever, I guess.

Anyway, thanks for hearing me and helping me. I think I'll cut this one short, because mom dropped a big schedule bombshell that I'll probably be posting about soon