I just got into a horrible struggle with my daughter

[Denises]

I just realized my adult daughter is Borderline. We had a terrible falling out. It started with her telling my ex husband something personal about me. I found out and then she and i had an argument about it. It ended with her saying she never wanted to see me again.

I had already planned a trip to see her and my grandaughter. I stayed at a step sons house. We had a BBQ. She came and acted like nothing was wrong. She greeted me, but then never sat with me to talk but instead put on a mask that she was happy and having fun.

I cut my trip short because she said that she did not want to see me. When I got ready to leave, she followed me around and wanted to oput me down in front of a few people so I told her I did not want to argue with her. She then came back and said that I should change my flight and stay longer. I told her I coukld not and that I changed my trip because I did not think she wanted to see me. She just turned away. She came back again, and this time she wanted to argue again. I told her I would see about changing my flight, that she could stay with me at the hotel and then I could stay with her a couple days. She did not say anything. An hour went past. I was ready to go. I kissed her and my grandaughter goodbye. She acted like it was not a big deal.

When I got home, I got a seething text, but from my grandaughter accusing me of not wanting to be with her and many other accusations. She said I should have fixed everything and accused me of not spending time with her at the BBQ. She was playing and not even wanting to spend time with me. She kept on arguing with me on the text. I finally told her if she wanted to talk, to call me. She never did. I was so shocked! I couldnt tell if it was my daughter who was texting, or my grandaughter! Help! I dont know how to fix it and I dont want her to think she can just forget that she caused the rift. I don't know what to do. I have never had any boundaries with her and I think that is where I am stuck. But I dont even know how to start to mend our relationship when she is ignoring everything. HELP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Denises &

I'm really sorry for all of this stress you have been going through! A vacation isn't supposed to be so full of trauma and drama, and it must've been so hard to deal with all of that... .You certainly are in the right place to find other parents who are having to figure out how to navigate the same waters that you are. I'm glad you found us!

How long ago did this BBQ happen? How old is your granddaughter? How far away does your daughter live from you? Do you see her often? Are things generally this difficult between the two of you, or was this an unusual occurrence?

Something that can help you figure out how to manage this situation would be to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page; the TOOLS and THE LESSONS will give you a very good idea of just how your daughter's mind works, and tips on how to communicate with her in a way that makes things better. I highly recommend all of those links for a good overview of how to start to mend your relationship with your daughter (and granddaughter if need be).

We also have some good Articles about Boundaries that I would like to recommend: Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order, BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence and BOUNDARIES: Case studies (since you mention it   ).

I'd like to encourage you to read all you can on this site and tell us more of your story, and ask all the questions you may have... .We really want to help, Denises 

[AVR1962]

I see the mixed messages you are getting, that is hard. I know you want your daughter to be happy and I know that you want to spend time with her. I think assertive behavior on your part could help which you did by indicating you needed to leave. I would not let her emotional upset make you feel you have to bend over backwards to meet her needs. She has made some accusations here that might be her perspective of the situation but it also seems to me that she wants you to chase her for a relationship. It's like you are supposed to have some magical trick to pull out of your hat to meet her needs and make everything perfect, and simply that is not being realistic. You are not a mind reader, she is not being forward with you but yet you are supposed to know what she wants of you? No! Sad when the grand children are brought in on all of this. How did you respond to your grand daughter? How old is she? Do not kick yourself. We can only do so much. Remember you are not responsible for your daughter or her well being. She is an adult has to to find her life for herself and perhaps she needs a gentle reminder of that.

[mom2bpd]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. We all understand. I would not assume your granddaughter was texting. My BPDD will text from my GDs phone when she's trying to blame a change of plans on my GD or when she wants to lie about something. She'll even write very long texts pretending to be my GD when my GD never sends long text! BPDs are very childish emotionally so they do odd things like this. My GD will tell me that she didn't send the texts but usually I know she didn't after so many incidences.

[uber]

Hi I am also new here. I have a 24 year old borderline daughter who now has a infant baby. I was so excited to have a granddaughter. I was married 12 years to her mother who was borderline in those years I never had one day with out a issue. six months ago my current wife and I were the greatest people in the world. As you said nothing changed we did nothing wrong and out of the blue I get a message from her that she was sick of us f-ng with her and to stay away from her and the baby. I found out several days later she had come by to get her mail that was at the house and could not remember the pass code for the door she said I had changed it to mess with her. I know that doesn't make sense but BPDs actions don't make sense to rational people. Everything was fine for a few weeks.I got a message from her four days ago via her boyfriend that I should not contact her or it would be grounds for harassment here we go again. Now she says someone hurt her when she was a baby and I knew about it. I have no idea what she is talking about or if there is any base of truth to any of it. I am again going to not answer her calls and stand my ground there will  usually be some emergency that arises and if you don't help they say its true see? your a terrible person. I am sure you are a great person and I promise you did nothing no matter how you responded it would be wrong. The best response is dont blame your self for any of it and you have to walk away. Any perceived weakness on your part is considered a victory to the BPD and enforces there behavior. I know because I have been weak  and manipulated a thousand times and its not easy.I am coming to realize though that everytime I let her play her game and I cave I am not helping her. take care.