Did I Do Something Wrong?

[Depression = 72% of members]

All, I had this situation come up with my wife.  Less than a month ago, I ran across this ad looking for a Virtual Recruiter with experience working in or running a legal office.  It was from a legal professionals staffing agency and appears like a good way to make some extra money.  I sent my resume as requested and was contacted back with a Recruiting Plan.  It is exactly the same as the Agreement that I would sign later after agreeing with it.  I went home and told my wife about the whole thing.  She said it seems like a good thing and expressed that she could help me with it since it's like having our own business.  I figure maybe she could write and post job ads but she cannot do the interviews or make hiring recommendations because she knows nothing about that.

I signed the agreement the next day.  I cannot remember if I told her the night before when we were talking that I was going to sign the agreement but she says I didn't.  Last week, the agency contacted me with the link to their job orders and some info on how to get started.  I created an email account for the business so that the resumes will go there.  I came home and told my wife that the lady had gotten back to me and given me access to the Job box.  She again expressed how she wants to be involved like a business with us working together.  She wanted me to find out if she could help me.  I did and the lady said she could but would have to sign an agreement as well for her name to be on any future checks.  She said that my wife could write and post the ads and maybe look at the resumes to see if they meet requirements from the ad but she is not qualified to do the interviews or recommendations.  I texted this to my wife from my job.  I also texted her the email address and password for the potential business.  She called me back angry because she feels I am doing things without her again and claimed to not know I signed the agreement before.  She said that's something we should have done together.  I told her that that agreement was a separate thing from doing the business in the sense the agreement only talks about what the Staffing Agency provides and what not to do regarding the ads and so on.  Also, I didn't think her signing an agreement would be an option since she has no experience.  I figured we would start the business in both our names and she can help with the things I mentioned earlier.  I mean why would I think the Staffing Agency would have her sign an agreement when she has no experience?  I had to send my resume to get accepted.

Anyway, she is mad and told me I can do it myself and she's going to find a business to start herself and not tell me what she's doing with the money and stuff.  I told her the other day that I plan to start with just the free sites and will not use any of our money until we get a deal or two.  She referenced the time I came to her about starting an energy consulting business and was taking steps without her.  Please note that my wife has several medical issues and never feels like doing anything most days and the only thing I had done then was post a couple ads on Craigslist.  She got mad then and I told her I wouldn't make another move without her.  That ended up being the last move because she never felt like or wanted to talk about it or start anything.

I tried to reiterate to her that I want to start the business in both our names and work together but we haven't even crossed that bridge yet.  She refuses to listen as usual.  I feel she's always holding me back.  She claims to want to do stuff but never feels like it.  The days are going by and I haven't even started posting ads.  If I'm not sending qualified submissions soon, I will probably get dropped.

[dacoming]

All, I had this situation come up with my wife.  Less than a month ago, I ran across this ad looking for a Virtual Recruiter with experience working in or running a legal office.  It was from a legal professionals staffing agency and appears like a good way to make some extra money.  I sent my resume as requested and was contacted back with a Recruiting Plan.  It is exactly the same as the Agreement that I would sign later after agreeing with it.  I went home and told my wife about the whole thing.  She said it seems like a good thing and expressed that she could help me with it since it's like having our own business.  I figure maybe she could write and post job ads but she cannot do the interviews or make hiring recommendations because she knows nothing about that.

I signed the agreement the next day.  I cannot remember if I told her the night before when we were talking that I was going to sign the agreement but she says I didn't.  Last week, the agency contacted me with the link to their job orders and some info on how to get started.  I created an email account for the business so that the resumes will go there.  I came home and told my wife that the lady had gotten back to me and given me access to the Job box.  She again expressed how she wants to be involved like a business with us working together.  She wanted me to find out if she could help me.  I did and the lady said she could but would have to sign an agreement as well for her name to be on any future checks.  She said that my wife could write and post the ads and maybe look at the resumes to see if they meet requirements from the ad but she is not qualified to do the interviews or recommendations.  I texted this to my wife from my job.  I also texted her the email address and password for the potential business.  She called me back angry because she feels I am doing things without her again and claimed to not know I signed the agreement before.  She said that's something we should have done together.  I told her that that agreement was a separate thing from doing the business in the sense the agreement only talks about what the Staffing Agency provides and what not to do regarding the ads and so on.  Also, I didn't think her signing an agreement would be an option since she has no experience.  I figured we would start the business in both our names and she can help with the things I mentioned earlier.  I mean why would I think the Staffing Agency would have her sign an agreement when she has no experience?  I had to send my resume to get accepted.

Anyway, she is mad and told me I can do it myself and she's going to find a business to start herself and not tell me what she's doing with the money and stuff.  I told her the other day that I plan to start with just the free sites and will not use any of our money until we get a deal or two.  She referenced the time I came to her about starting an energy consulting business and was taking steps without her.  Please note that my wife has several medical issues and never feels like doing anything most days and the only thing I had done then was post a couple ads on Craigslist.  She got mad then and I told her I wouldn't make another move without her.  That ended up being the last move because she never felt like or wanted to talk about it or start anything.

I tried to reiterate to her that I want to start the business in both our names and work together but we haven't even crossed that bridge yet.  She refuses to listen as usual.  I feel she's always holding me back.  She claims to want to do stuff but never feels like it.  The days are going by and I haven't even started posting ads.  If I'm not sending qualified submissions soon, I will probably get dropped.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dacoming]

All, I was able to defuse the situation.  I validated her feelings about the situation and she told me how happy she was that I did that.  Often times I try to prove my point because I hate when my words and actions get turned into something else.  The lessons worked! At least for this instance.  Thanks!

[Jessica84]

Congrats... .even the little victories are sweet! 

This link may help too - explains JADE:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=228111.0

Things got a lot better for me as soon as I stopped trying to defend or explain myself to him. I won a few battles, but I was losing the war.

[an0ught]

All, I was able to defuse the situation.  I validated her feelings about the situation and she told me how happy she was that I did that.  Often times I try to prove my point because I hate when my words and actions get turned into something else.  The lessons worked! At least for this instance.  Thanks!

Good that you talked!

I think there is more in the story. Buyers regret is common with pwBPD. For you it make be worth considering how you as an individual and as a couple make decisions. How you take and weight her input. When you got the offer you asked her for her feedback and she was excited. The problem here can be that at any point in time you get either extreme good or extreme bad from her. Basing your decisions on this feedback is going to a slot machine for input. A more dialectical approach with maybe two separate sessions one for the the positive side and one for what is not so good can give a more balanced picture. There is value in the thinking and intuition of our partners - it is up to us to unlock it.