Please Help/Need an ear

[jlc31489]

Hello everyone,

My ex-girlfriend (23) and I (25) had been dating for 1 year and 8 months.  :)uring that time we had our ups and downs like any couple.  After we had been dating for about 6 months I entered graduate school, and this strained our relationship immensely.  I couldn't give her the attention that she deserved and we only saw each other about once a week.  She also entered school during our relationship, at around the 7 month mark, and this further complicated our relationship.

She came with a lot of emotional baggage.  She was in foster care until she was 8 and was sexually assaulted when she was 14.

   I was not perfect and frequently corrected her speech, which upset her a lot.  :)uring my first semester, at roughly our 9 month mark, I got blackout drunk about 2 times, during which I called her phone and called her a "___ and B___," I guess I let the stress of school get to me but I don't think I would have said those words maliciously.  This upset her a lot and, despite only drinking roughly 5 times the entire semester, any time I drank caused her immense pain.  So much so that she would dissociate, once she even cut her arms and showed me.

After my first semester my grades were not the best and I fell into a depression because my grades were not as good as I anticipated.  I didn't do much during this time except hang out with her and focus on my studies.  That was until late April when I got drunk with some friends from school, went back a friends place, and hit on a girl (":)".  I hit on the girl by giving her a back rub and telling her, repeatedly, to come spoon with me.  I know no one will believe me but I had no interest in this girl and merely seeking a sick form of emotional validation.  Needless to say, nothing did or would have happened between me and this girl.  The problem was that I butt dialed my girlfriend and she heard it all.  In addition, unbeknownst to me, my roommates girlfriend told her what happened.

For a month, she held this inside and only asked if I was hiding anything.  I didn't think I was because of embarrassment and the fact I had no intentions of hooking up with this girl.  :)uring this month I went out one other time, during which several friends crashed at this girls house ("E".  After a month, my girlfriend told me she heard the initial flirting with D.  I vowed to treat her better and things seemed to working out between us, I was making more time for her and everything seemed to be going better.

In July I texted all my friends from school to watch fireworks on the 4th.  My girlfriend could not attend so I went with E and another guy.  My ex was not happy but she didn't seem really upset.  At the end of July I went to a job fair halfway across the U.S.  When I got back I had a lot of work to do and told my boss I would be able to meet a deadline because my ex said we couldn't hang out.  On that day my ex called and asked for "five minutes to hang out".  I declined knowing that it wouldn't be just five minutes.  A few minute later she blows up on me and tells me the relationship is over.  I didn't really think anything of this because she had a penchant for acting extremely.

After about a week I start becoming concerned.  My ex told me she was going on a date with another guy she had been talking to while we were still in a relationship.  The only friend that would listen to me was E and I met with her several times to discuss my relationship with my ex.  Somehow, from that, a rumor was started that was dating and sleeping with E which wasn't true.  When my ex heard the rumor she blew up on me and I couldn't convince her otherwise.  After several weeks of bickering about it she drops a bomb and tells me that she is in a relationship with the new guy.  I lose it and check myself into a psych ward, but I don't tell anyone about it.

While I am there she starts blowing up my phone and telling me she misses me.  This was about two weeks ago.  On monday of that week, we hang, watch the sunset, she takes pictures of us kissing, and we have sex later.  Tuesday, she comes over in the morning and we have sex again.  I'm thinking great, we are working on things and will be getting back together soon.  That was until Friday when she completely cut contact with me.  Since then I have been extremely depressed and confused about my situation.  I love this girl desperately and I am 100% convinced her new relationship is a "test" for me and she is trying to see if I will abandon her.  I love this girl with all my heart and want to work things out with her but I don't know what to do or how to proceed.  Anyone willing to listen, please help me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

A major aspect of BPD is attachment and fear of the loss of the person they are able to attach to.

Ok, you made some mistakes, and have had some very poor boundaries.

What have you decided to do about the drinking?

I would say, based on what you said here, that your ex gf probably wants to pick things back up with you, but she is obviously afraid. You listed the things you did that appear to have hurt her enough that she has backed away:

-Getting drunk and emotionally and verbally abusing her while drunk

-Having poor boundaries with other women ( she probably figures you are likely to cheat or have already)

-Minimizing her while you did other things

tbh, these kinds of actions would cause a strain with most relationships.

Have you had time to read the lessons on the right of this page? Have a look at them. Come back with any questions you have.

You will need to ground yourself and make a plan to convince her that you are going to be present, stable, respectful to her, and not appear to be about to run off with other ladies or get so involved in work that she ends up being left high and dry. We realize you have a life to live too, work and such, so being able to reassure and validate when you can't be there a lot can go a long way towards keeping your presence to her more intact in her emotions.

[jlc31489]

  Thank you for your reply and I apologize for using inappropriate language in my initial post.  I will taking a look at the lessons.  Also, I have a few updates regarding my situation.

9/3/15-9/9/15: I send her a text here and there but she does not reply to anything I say.

9/10/15: The last time we hung out she made a point to tell me about an event hosted for her and other individuals.  In the past, I had helped her immensely in the activity she was participating in so I decided to attend the event, with a male friend, to show support.  When we show up I see her two friends who look shocked and leave immediately.  I sit around waiting and hoping to see her and congratulate her.  Eventually, I come to the conclusion that she left and I feel absolutely heartbroken.  My buddy and I head back to his house. 

At this point, I decide that all I want is closure.  She has made it obvious she wants nothing to do with me.  I write down what is on my mind and try calling her.  The first call she puts me on hold then hangs up.  The second doesn't go to voice mail.  I try for a third time with the intention of leaving a voice mail and moving on with me life before I hear her familiar voice for the first time in too long. 

I pour my heart out to her all while I'm trembling from a mixture of nervousness and elation.  She basically tells me I'm two years too late and she did so much for me.  She then tells me her new boyfriend is really nice to her and treats her like a princess.  Crushed, I tell her, "I understand, but that I miss having my best friend to talk with everyday, can we at least be friends?"  She agrees, and tells me about the event and that she saw me there.  I tell her communication was a big issue in our relationship and that I was happy because it felt like we are talking for the first time.  The conversation ends on what I would consider decent terms.  Although she has verbalized that there is no chance at reconciliation, I know that deep down she want to.  If she didn't then I received closure, either way opening lines of communication was the glimmer of hope I needed at the time.

9/11/15:  Decide not to contact her as I have to drive out of state.  Foolishly I anticipated her reaching out to me.  Of course, it never happened.  Distress started to creep, black and cold, like a November sunset, over me me once more.  My feeling of despair, disappoint, and shock are made all the worse by the long car ride.  I feel miserable, to the point were I had no appetite, during the trip and can't stop thinking about her, us. 

9/12/15:  I decide I can text her as friends and I try to engage her by saying something that reminded me of her father.  This is met with crickets, actually less than that, just complete and utter nothingness.  I fall deeper into despair and continue to ruminate through 9/13/15.

9/14/15: After one day of no contact to give her space I decide to contact her.  I ask her how she is doing and she replies, "I'm okay, hope you are well."  Then she tells me that she is at the cutoff GPA to remain in school.  Then she stops talking to me.

9/15/15: I had the sense she had been feeling really down because of her grade situation.  I send her like 5 picture messages to try and cheer her up.  She finally responds and sends me pictures of her.  Then I try and get her to send me where she is smiling. I receive another picture of her looking pout-y before she tells me she has an exam on 9/16/15 then stops contact.  I call her and she tells me she needs to study, I ask her what chapters she is on so I can buy a study guide and help her.  She refuses, tells me she needs to study before she cuts off contact.  She absolutely loves flowers so I send her an arrangement to her school set to arrive after her exam.  Truly, all I wanted was for her to cheer up, and I did not expect anything in return.

9/16/15:  At about noon I tell her I sent her something and to let me know when it arrives.  When the flowers arrive  she thanks me and tell me, "I appreciate it," and makes small talk, although short and seemingly disinterestedly, talk for a few minutes before cutting off contact.

9/17/15:  She texts me in the morning telling me how she did on the exam.  I text her letting her know I had cut off contact with E, who I had reached out about my ex situation, a week ago.  For whatever reason, she shows interest in the topic.  She asks me a ton of questions basically asking why I stopped contact with E.  I tell her that "I value any relationship with you more than friendship with her.  You can't trust me if I talk with her, and I know that you may not take me back but that's a risk I have to take." 

Afterwards, I make a point to tell her that I have stopped drinking and have been seeing a therapist among other changes I have been making in my life.  She seemed receptive so I drop 5 texts back to back basically saying that I needed a friend right now and that I would really like to see her.  She agrees but makes it a point that we can only see each other for an hour.  We agree to meet at 6:00 p.m. that day.   

When she agreed to meet up.  I felt very mixed emotions.  Understandably, she does have an exam 9/21/2015 so the time constraint makes sense.  Instead of questioning it, I say I appreciate her making time for me and she apologizes that it has to be so short.  Before we meet I am a nervous wreck, shaking, sweating, the whole nine yards;  so much so, that a co-worker told me I looked pale.  Despite this, I suck it up and head out to meet with her.

9/17/15 THE MEET UP:  I arrive at the agreed on location about 15 minutes early and she is already there.  We start talking, and she tells me she has a lot to say because she hasn't had anyone to talk to in two week (since we last met although she doesn't verbalize this) and the last weeks were hectic.  She starts talking and does not stop for 30 minutes. I start getting disappointed since our time was short, but I smiled, remained positive and made sure to be an active listener.  After she finishes I don't really have much to say so I suggest we go for a walk.

During the walk she starts acting flirtatious, so naturally, I reciprocate.  I grab some flowers and put them in her hair, and take a few photos of her with the sunset as a backdrop.  During this time there is a lot of contact and positive vibes bouncing between us.  At 7:35 p.m., 35 minutes after our time, she says she has to head back.  As we walk back, she stops to sit down and tells me stuff like her OCD has been getting worse.  Instead of brushing her concerns off like I had done in the past I made a point to ask her for examples and how it has been making her feel.  She tells me and tells me other stuff while I give her a back rub.  She hands me her phone to show me something and while I am holding she receives a text from her current boyfriend.  I hand her the phone and tell her that she has a text.  She goes "Pshhhh whatever." when she sees who it is from and continues talking with me.  After an hour she says she has to go so we walk to her car.

When we arrive at her car she invites me inside.  I am confused but I oblige. We talk more and more and she tells that she is extremely lonely, and cant relate to her current boyfriend.  I acknowledge that as a hardship but change the subject to how I can't convince her that I've changed and that I would have to show her.  She starts telling me several things I'd done in the past that hurt, but stops before explaining them fully.  I encourage her to let it all out and tell me what I did wrong.  I acknowledge my mistakes and apologize while making it a point to to tell her I was ashamed for how how I acted.  She continues and tell me that she wakes up everyday thinking that she is alone and that there is nobody out there for her.  I tell her there are people to support he like myself.  She tells me she feels really good and that it feel like we are starting with a clean slate.  At some point we start making out which lasts for about 10 minutes. Then I tell he I should leave.  When I left it was 10:30 p.m.

Of course, I was excited when I left.  I felt like things were falling back into place, but I understood that I would have to treat this as a new relationship.  I text her telling her that I felt like I was flying, and she doesn't respond.  Around 3 a.m., I text her that "I am sorry if this wakes you but I want you to focus on your studies.  Don't worry about me for the time being and pass that test.  I assure you I will be on my best behavior," before I pass out.

9/18/2015:  When I woke up she had sent me a few picture messages, and I replied to them.  She said, "Haha." and I texted her several times but got no response.  I started to get worried because Friday is the only day she hangs out with her new boyfriend.  Around 10 p.m. I called her to see if she was okay because she was saying some depressing the night before, but there was no answer.  Again, I felt sick and could not sleep.

9/19/2015:  I texted her this morning wishing her an awesome day, but I received no reply.  She has to work a twelve hour shift so its not unreasonable not to reply but it is uncharacteristic for her as she always is on her phone.  Anyway, I have been really depressed but I still have hope, and that is enough for me to continue fighting for her.

- As for her new boyfriend, I am not the least bit concerned about that.  It seems like it was sort a "white knight" emotional support situation and, frankly, she had sort of used him.  I don't mean to be cruel but I am firm believer in physical appearance reciprocity regarding relationships.  While she is extremely attractive by any standards, he is fat and lacks self confidence.  Anyway, I am just trying to take it one day at a time and fight off depression.  Thanks to anyone who reads this.

[jlc31489]

Update

9/19/2015:  Late at night I find out through a mutual friend that the ex has made her relationship official on social media.  The timing of her new status matches up with the last time she contacted me.  When I find out I am incredibly distressed and decide to leave the house to keep my mind off things.  I end up crying randomly and screaming profanities while driving.  After several hours I come back home and read about BPD relationships which seemed to help a lot.

9/20/2015:  Wake up to a strange sense of calm.  Maybe the Zoloft has started working, or maybe I have come to a realization; I can't have a healthy relationship with this person, at least not right now.  I can't be led around with the promise of reconciliation dangling in front of my face like an animal.

For the last month I have been blaming myself and trying very hard to get back with her and reach out to her.  She has made me feel like awful each and every time.  While I admit that I could have done things differently, I have accepted that I am human and make mistakes.  However, the level of pain that I put her through is minimal compared to her treatment of me during the last month and half.

During this time I lost the will to take care of myself.  I have not done any studying and am about 5 weeks behind in my courses.  I would wake up every morning when I heard a car door lock because I thought it was her coming to visit.  As a result of all this I have become increasingly isolated and have lost 20 pounds. 

Today things changed for me, I've accepted my mistakes, and in turn, I am ready to move on and focus on myself.  True to form, she tries to contact me after I ignore her.  It is taking every fiber of whats left of my being to continue ignoring her. 

Come Monday, I will let her know that she is not to contact me for a week or I will completely cut her out of my life completely.  When she does contact me she has two options: 1) be with him, and I will be out of her life, or 2) try to work on our relationship but I will require that she go back to therapy, in addition to us attending couples counseling. 

Wish me luck.

[Daniell85]

I hope that i can comment with empathy to you. You are in a real struggle.

Where are your boundaries? See, giving her ultimatums is not going to be effective. The choice to engage is yours. You can quietly choose not to engage without telling her anything at all. She is in another relationship, one that you dont respect, since it is getting in the way of your own hopes.

This is putting her in the drivers seat. She is a bad driver.

My own thoughts, since you are allowing your life to degrade, is to disengage with her for now. You dont owe her anything. She is choosing someone else.

You can step away and take care of yourself without explaining a thing to her. She may also reconsider her actions when she understands you are not going to chase her around while she plays push-pull games and toys with cheating on her boyfriend.

[jlc31489]

Thank you for your kind responses, really, it meant a lot me.  Correspondence with someone who could relate to my situation was what I needed, again thanks.

I am beginning to see things for what they are.  Despite my faults and my own mistakes she chose him.  I cannot be manipulated by her anymore if I want to happy, or for there to a relationship between us.  I've initiated no contact and 

am holding strong on Day 2.  In the past, when I was not contacting her, I was doing so in hopes that she would contact me.  Now I am doing it for myself and I think that has had a profound effect on my outlook.

Today she had a test to see if she remained in school.  I expected to hear from her about her performance.  Because she has looked at my social media so frequently, she appears in my feed despite having no interaction with her.  After logging out, I get a picture message from her.  It is a picture of a tattoo she got.  I think she is trying to a reaction out of me; not only am I not fond of tattoos, but this one is hideous, truly it is, and it was a seemingly rash and rushed decision to do something to your body.

I've held my ground and hopefully I can remain strong.  I miss her so much.  On to day 3.