Dealing with ?s of grandparents, when kids are there

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm not yet separated from my uBPDw of 15 yrs, but we're on track, laying groundwork.  Thankfully my wife is dealing with it all well, and so far, it is going more smoothly than expected.  We haven't told my S9 yet, or my parents/his grandparents.

My therapist recommended avoiding details with my parents, just tell them we're separating and I'm OK, but I was sort of wistfully hoping to get some support from them, since I kept them (and everyone else) in the dark for years about how bad it was. I was isolated and dishonest for years, and it would be nice to be honest, tell them I really tried, even if I avoid the worst details.  Yet, if I tell them how bad it was, they'll totally throw my stbxw under the bus, and this might come out when my son is around them.

I will be careful not to vilify her, esp. in front of my son (easy for me as I know, she's not a villian), but I'm not sure my parents will be as diplomatic.  My parents never liked my wife all that much, and they've said pretty stark things to me about my sister in law (who is actually nice!)  So my wife and I have reason to worry!

I'm wondering if anyone has advice for what to tell grandparents regarding what to say, or not, in front of the kids.

[UndauntedDad]

I'm not yet separated from my uBPDw of 15 yrs, but we're on track, laying groundwork.  Thankfully my wife is dealing with it all well, and so far, it is going more smoothly than expected.  We haven't told my S9 yet, or my parents/his grandparents.

My therapist recommended avoiding details with my parents, just tell them we're separating and I'm OK, but I was sort of wistfully hoping to get some support from them, since I kept them (and everyone else) in the dark for years about how bad it was. I was isolated and dishonest for years, and it would be nice to be honest, tell them I really tried, even if I avoid the worst details.  Yet, if I tell them how bad it was, they'll totally throw my stbxw under the bus, and this might come out when my son is around them.

I will be careful not to vilify her, esp. in front of my son (easy for me as I know, she's not a villian), but I'm not sure my parents will be as diplomatic.  My parents never liked my wife all that much, and they've said pretty stark things to me about my sister in law (who is actually nice!)  So my wife and I have reason to worry!

I'm wondering if anyone has advice for what to tell grandparents regarding what to say, or not, in front of the kids.