Can a BPD mom effectively parent a BPD child?

[ArleighBurke]

I'm starting to really take note of the way my uBPDw interacts with our daughters (5 and 8). Our 8 yr old has been 'diagnosed' with General Anxiety Disorder (which I'm monitoring closely to see whether that presents as BPD as a teenager). And our 5yr old is often emotional for no real reason (moreso than I think is "normal". So perhaps she's anxious or BPD as well.

I've learnt a lot about validation and emotion in the last few years. But i don't think my wife SUPPORTS the kids at all.

When the 5yr old is out of sorts, uBPDw will tell her to "stop crying", "it's not so bad", "you shouldn't be sad" - all the things that I *used* to say when I was being invalidating. If I try to validate my daughter, to listen, wife tells me I am babying her. It feels like my daughter is dis-regulated - when she crys she often goes to her room to be alone - so she's not doing it for attention. I can sit with her and talk her though calming down - to me that's helping her manage/regulate.

I've tried to talk with my wife about it. She just tells me that me talking with her is different to me talking with our daughters because she's an adult with a mental disorder (PTSD) but the kids are just learning.

As much as BPDs are intuitive and can "get" other people's emotions better than they get their own, can they also be oblivious?

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[thisagain]

I've never witnessed a BPD parent in action, but I'm pretty sure this is one of the ways that BPD gets passed down to the next generation.

And yes, pwBPD can be totally oblivious to others' emotions, especially when those emotions are the least bit inconvenient or otherwise negatively affect the pwBPD.

[bpbreakout]

I think you are on the right track. My daughter (16) was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder at 8 yrs. It was a good excuse to establish a relationship with a good child psych which has been invaluable over the years and part of keeping daughter grounded and not too damaged by relationship with her mother who is my BPDw.

BPDw finds daughter's anxiety and untidiness (ADHD inattentive) really annoying and cannot stop nagging. They have massive fights. BPDw is totally oblivious to boundaries and cannot or will not give my daughter any space. I have played similar role to you by trying validate the children emotionally over the years as BPDw is incapable of doing it. It's been exhausting but worth it for my kids sake.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife was a terrible mum and that is why our sons now live with me. My exgf is a fantastic mum.

I do worry that her behaviour will influence my son but that's where I will try and ground him.

Like all people you get good and bad parents no matter if they are disordered.

[formflier]

 

Having BPD traits in the picture certainly makes parenting more interesting (how is that for polite?)

In my house when my wife is grounded and normal she is top notch.  When she starts getting upset or dysregulating, then she will yell at/go after whoever happens to be in her way.


Yes, they can be good parents or bad.  Just like anyone else.

I would suggest "family therapy" to help your young one with anxiety.  YOU do not want to be in the position of telling you wife how to parent.

Let a professional take on that role... .and the heat that may or may not come with it.

Family T helped us a lot.

FF

[Notwendy]

BPD is a spectrum, so I think the ability to parent would vary along this spectrum.

Although it is wise to monitor the kids for potential BPD, don't assume anxiety is a sign of BPD. It could be the result of being raised with an inconsistent parent as well as the level of stress between the parents.

As a child of mother w BPD, I do not have BPD, but I had some signs of stress as a kid- and also some issues in school. It was not ADHD but it could look like it. Sometimes it was not possible to do homework or study when mom was dysregulating. I was a good student, but sometimes inconsistent. Because I was able to still make high grades, nobody ever caught on that there was anything going on at home.

Some children of pwBPD may actually have ADHD and other diagnoses, but unless a teacher or other professional who is working with the child is aware of home issues, they may overlook the possibility that the behavior is a reaction to home stress.

This doesn't mean all mothers with BPD are incompetent, but that the effects of family stress on kids should me minimized as much as possible.

[ArleighBurke]

I flipped through a book today called "Quiet" by Susan Cain.

It described my daughter perfectly - but just labelled her as an "introvert". The last few chapters discussed how to support her: prepare her for what is coming, allow her to go her own pace, give her wind down time and space.

I plan to buy the book and see what else it can say.

[Panda39]

I also want to add that the age of the child can affect the connection with a BPD parent.  It seems that often children getting older and reaching for their own independence (a normal thing for kids to do) can trigger abandonment fears in the BPD parent.

Here is a link from the co-parenting board you might want to check out about raising resilient children (Some of the information is about divorce obviously you're Staying so just look through the information that you find helpful)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

As an introverted person I found "Quiet" a very validating book.  Just be sure that your daughter is quiet because that is who she is not because her BPD mom is shutting her down. 

Do your kids go to therapy?  It could be helpful for them to have that outside support.

Keep being that good dad and keep your kids on your radar. It is important that you validate their feelings.  There is a lot you can do as the nonBPD parent to support your kids and help them negotiate issues with their mom.

Wanted to recommend a book about validating kids... .

The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotionsby Karyn D. Hall

Good job tuning into your daughters 

Panda39