Empathy vs Sympathy

[ArleighBurke]

My uBPDw says often that she doesn't want SYMPATHY from me, she wants EMPATHY.

www.grammarist.com/usage/empathy-sympathy/

When you understand and feel another’s feelings for yourself, you have empathy.

When you sympathize with someone, you have compassion for that person, but you don’t necessarily feel her feelings.

www.diffen.com/difference/Empathy_vs_Sympathy

A person expresses sympathy, but shares empathy. Of the two, empathy is a deeper feeling, but sympathy can be just as honest and heartfelt. However, empathy can forge a deeper and more meaningful connection, thus serving as a bridge for greater communication between individuals.


So she wants me to feel what she feels. Is this because she wants a deeper connection, or is this because she wants me to be enmeshed, or to share her pain INTO me, or for me to make her emotion justified?

Do I even have the capability to feel empathy? Wouldn't that mean that I need to have felt what she feels prior? Or something similar?  So when she talks about feeling scared for her life - like everyone is out to get her - me saying I remember how feeling scared feels - mine is 1% of what she feels. To me that's patronising/belittling her emotion. But saying "that must be horrible" is only sympathy... .

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[waverider]

So she wants me to feel what she feels. Is this because she wants a deeper connection, or is this because she wants me to be enmeshed, or to share her pain INTO me, or for me to make her emotion justified?

To a degree it normalizes it, if everyone feels the same pain and chaos, it is normal hence she does not need to change... It moves the benchmarks, she feels less threatened by being no "different", nothing is then her fault or responsibility.

[waverider]

Do I even have the capability to feel empathy? Wouldn't that mean that I need to have felt what she feels prior? Or something similar?  So when she talks about feeling scared for her life - like everyone is out to get her - me saying I remember how feeling scared feels - mine is 1% of what she feels. To me that's patronising/belittling her emotion. But saying "that must be horrible" is only sympathy... .

When empathizing you can fall into the trap of saying you "understand". This is a mistake, firstly as you say, you dont and they can find that patronizing or invalidating as they are actually trying to tell you that you dont and you are directly contracting them by saying you do... The other potential issue is they may be wanting you to say you understand, but they will take that as a carte blanche statement and throw it back at you later with something like "but you said you understood but you dont" when you later object to something.

Better to acknowledge that you see her pain and that you can see it has a big impact on her. This is the essence of validation, you are giving their view legitimacy without committing to it being your reality also.