New to the family

[Ernie 77]

Hi there new family. I'm so relieved to have found this site. I have been struggling to understand my boyfriend's outbursts for a while now. We have been together six months, and in that time, I have been kicked out of his life, his house, twice. The first major outburst came halfway through our relationship. The second happened three days ago and I am looking for another place to live right now. I am also kicking myself for being naive enough to give him another chance. This is it though. I will not allow this man to bring me down.

After wanting to pull my hair out at times for having to deal with his random and unexplained outbursts, I found myself googling the things he said or had done. After finding several sites and reading extensively about BPD, I feel this is what he may be dealing with. He is on medication for depression, which he said he had to take to overcome the sadness and anger his last break up had caused, but I believe he is probably in denial about this and would never seek treatment.

While I don't make it a habit of going through my so's phone, I was desperate for answers. After seeing his ex's name on his recent contact list, I decided I had a right; especially after he had been so nasty to me. I discovered much about him through reading the old texts he had saved, and found that they had also endured the same treatment that I was experiencing.

He would start by making a comment or text that insinuated possible infidelity, or lack of dedication or love for him. When efforts to convince him of our love and fidelity were made, they were thwarted by whatever insecurities were driving the fears. He would not believe or listen to anything. He would threaten to end things, blame us for his own indiscretions, project, gaslight, and split. He would blame alcohol or pot for the fights, and accuse us of being addicts when he was the one who couldn't stop drinking or smoking until everything was gone.

The pattern was right there for me to see. I found he had lied about several things regarding his past relationships. He had said they were crazy, had bipolar disorder, and had cheated on him. He blamed them for everything and never once have any explanation for his part.  I found it disconcerting that he would speak of her in this manner so frequently, and with such a harsh tone. His face would tighten up and veins would protrude from his face. After reading her responses to him, I could see that it was him and not her that was suffering with a personality disorder.

When he had his first outburst, it came from nowhere. He had been grouchy at times, but this was something different. He would start arguments with me over small things. I felt like I could t do anything right. When I explained this it only made things worse. He started insinuating I was crazy because of my reactions to his behavior, and began recording me when I was upset. He then posted these videos on YouTube and sent my family and friends links to the videos, saying I needed help. He also insisted several times that he is not crazy; that he has a good relationship with his family, a good job, and has been successful. He was protesting to the point of confession. That night I packed my things and left.

Three days after I returned to see my family, he was emailing and texting, saying he was in love with me and had to fight for us. He said he was trying to understand the nonsense.

I came back, like a fool, and not even a week has passed and the same things are happening. I didn't react this time to his behavior, just tried to leave. His abandonment fears must have kicked in because he said the door would be locked if I tried to come back. I am trying desperately to find a place to go now. I can't take it anymore. Thank you for letting me share my story. I really feel for all of you out there who either are dealing with BPD personally or know a loved one who might be struggling.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi Ernie77

I am glad your Google search brought you here.   You will find this website is full of resources and tools designed to help support you as your work your way through the process of understanding your relationship.   There are three main areas for people with a romantic partner who has the traits of borderline personality disorder.  The staying board, the undecided board and the leaving/detaching board.   The names designate the overall category of the board.   You are welcome to choose the board that you feel most comfortable with and that best fits your situation.   Each board will have Lessons and Tools to help support and encourage you.   You can find them in the box that runs down the right hand side of the screen.  I got a lot out of them.   

As you visit the boards you will find many similarities in your story to ours.  We have all been in your shoes.  We understand the confusion and distress you feel.   Sharing our experiences helps all of us.  I know when I first arrived here I was nearly at the end of my rope and this place helped me enormously.  So let me say



'ducks