BPD ex "giving up on" being a dad

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all,

This is my first post, so bear with me.

My exSO is diagnosed BPD, but the diagnosis was officially made right before he went AWOL from the hospital (where they were holding him for suicide attempt until sherrif picked him up to transport to county jail) and so a lot of my experiences with him leading up to that were just me thinking it was purely heroin addiction and unmedicated depression gone terribly wrong. At the time of his departure (he left the state, the U.S. Marshals were looking for him, etc.), our daughter was 18 months old. She is now just over 26 mos/a little more than 2 years old.

I am in recovery myself. I have 4.5 years sober. I met him in 12-step meeting and we were together for about a year before I got pregnant. The relationship was not smooth. I have a lot of insights into my own codependency and enabling now that I am far removed from that phase of my life, through becoming a mom (for the first time at 33), personal growth, working with my sponsor, and Al-Anon. He relapsed once during that time that I know of, when he overdosed in my bathroom and I had to give him CPR to keep him going until EMS arrived with Naloxene. I was not planning on getting pregnant, but clearly was not being careful, for whatever reason at the time. That's a whole other bag of worms that's my own, and not his.

He relapsed again when I was 3 months pregnant, and did not improve, in fact got worse in terms of criminal behavior and desperation to feed his heroin habit, stealing from me in the form of money, checks, cars, laptops, etc., and his parents. I tried and I tried to get out of his way, but I can't even remember any more why I kept on falling back in the "it'll be different this time" trap. I was scared he was going to hurt me, I guess, or hurt himself, probably more honestly. I felt responsible for his health and well-being, as I am 10 years older than him (yeah, great judgment I have going for me) and thought this biological clock impulse was selfish on my end of things. Even as I write this, I can see and hear how sick my thinking is and was. He robbed me of my wallet and id and such at 40 weeks pregnant, after I picked him up from the psych ward (I didn't know where he was, thought he was staying with his parents) to bring him to the homeless shelter. He did it in the parking lot of a gas station. I was induced a few days later, and he showed up at the hospital. I hadn't pressed charges, because the police were sick of me by that point, and not doing anything about it, and I was just tired. It was pretty classic domestic violence to them, and now, looking back on it, to me. The cycle. The sickness.

He bullied himself into the delivery room, and I was too focused on being scared of childbirth to protest. Plus I was already in labor at that point. He was detoxing in the hospital while I was admitted. He stayed off and on with me at the NICU, we would take turns sleeping, and I really thought it would be okay. Those postpartum hormones did a number on my head, because I truly thought we could just begin anew with this baby, and everything would be okay. This isn't mentioning that I had to leave my apartment because of my safety and lack of finances and move in with my parents, who hardly knew him let alone liked him, a month before the baby was due.

So he was with his parents, I was with mine. The baby was with me. Everything seems pretty okay until my parents' bank calls and says that all these checks are trying to go through that seem to be forged. They were. He sold my parents checks to random dealers of his on the streets, and now they were trying to cash in. That was October 23rd, I started Al-Anon that day. We found out at my sister's birthday dinner. My heart dropped. My mother confronted him, said she would not press charges if he could tell her why. He gave her this sob story of wanting to buy a gun to kill himself, but not stealing enough to get the job done. He then walked off, and was arrested the next day for domestic violence against his disabled mother. They found more checks on him, and my mother was posed to press charges, but felt bad, and really didn't know the full situation of this guy, that I was embarassed to share.

He was in city jail for a long time, til they moved him from there to treatment two months later. He walked off the treatment center's property, effectively disappearing. During this time, I came to find out, he was having his ex (who I didn't know he was cheating on me with, or he was cheating on her with me, not sure how that one works) come to visit him in jail, and then calling me collect and yelling at me for getting him in this situation because my parents found out about the checks, and for not visiting him. My codependency only knows why I was accepting charges. I'm sad thinking about it. It was a very dark time.

I successfully got a protection order for me and my daughter after he went AWOL from treatment. Apparently the night after he walked off, he overdosed in a hotel room, and his ex (then current) brought him to the hospital where he supposedly died, they told her he died, then revived him, and he woke up to heroin possession charges. I wasn't there, I don't know. But he was up for felony charges, that's for sure.

He has been in and out of jail, in and out of consciousness, in and out of hospitals, jails, institutions, homeless shelters, hotels, people's back rooms, Craigslist, prostituting himself for money and nearly dying time and time again. He has never had stable footing to be able to take care of our child on his own, nor have I ever trusted him with her alone. He has been resentful of this for her entire life. Even when he was out and about and no one knew where he was, he would want to take her on the bus with him, and that I was depriving him of being a dad. That he "wanted to be a dad", but he didn't want to be supervised, didn't want to pay child support (because he was willing to "be there as a father" which I guess in his head meant he didn't have to pay support), refuses to admit that anything is his fault, and plays the victim because I am depriving "his" daughter of a father. He is manipulative, cold, cruel, and calculating. And makes no sense. None of this makes sense. My parents and his parents would be so upset if I left their grandchild with him. I am scared of the thought of him being with her alone because even if it goes well once, it won't go well the second or third or fourth time when he's endangering both their lives in some way shape or form. She's 2. She doesn't need to be traumatized just to have contact with her dad.

I guess what I'm saying is that why is the guilt eating me alive? I blocked his number, but he will contact me in other ways (through work, etc) and tell me I am depriving our daughter of a loving father. I argue that a loving father would be able to do what it takes to prove that he is capable of safely taking care of a child. He argues that he would never hurt her. And maybe he never would intentionally, I would hope not (though with the DV against his mom and mugging me at 40 weeks with his child, I wouldn't put anything past him), but that doesn't mean that when I was drunk and high pre-sobriety that I didn't have the best of intentions and still mess up things royally. I have this human life that I am responsible for now, and I do not want to share her with someone who cannot see what I'm doing (not giving her to him unsupervised, this isn't even court ordered, he has a felony warrant & a possible prison sentence of a year, so won't appear in juvenile court to file for custody/visitation) is in her best interest. He has no custody of her legally. No visitation of her legally. He has been out of town since January. And he still finds ways to get under my skin to let me know that he has been deprived his fatherly rights.

I guess what set me off is the other day he contacted me again, the first time in a month or so (which is good for him in terms of boundaries). While my social media settings are very stringent because of him, not all of my friends have theirs as locked up. There was mention of the yearly trip we take to a particular river where he coincidentally (I don't even know how that luck happened) lives near now in his hide-out. He texted me from a new number (yes, I will change my own number, I've been holding out because it's on all my business cards, but I'll cave) and asked if I could pick him up and bring him back to Cleveland. I don't know why I responded. I cannot tell you a good reason. I said no, I can't. Not even because "hell no" but because there was no room in the car. I don't know how on earth I don't have a spine after 4 years. And why I'm answering. And why I'm writing all of this. I guess this is part of the process itself. I said something about our daughter, seeing if he had any plans to visit for the holidays. He said no, he was broke, and that he had given up on being a father because he was denied that and he was denied the opportunity to be a dad to her, so why start now, it's too late, that he can't just "desensitize" himself to something as awful as losing a child. Giving up? On what? Caring, I guess. Or he just says it to get under my skin. Make me feel guilty. We've been successful without him so far, we can keep on doing it as long as I am sober.

She's 2. She loves it when she sees pictures of him at his parents house (I have stayed on good terms with them, and they help me a lot as a single mom with babysitting etc). She is well-adjusted. I guess what I'm getting at here is, I don't think I have denied her. In fact, I have spared her this BPD roller coaster. I do not speak ill about him out loud. If I have stuff to say, I text it to his mom (who can relate) or a friend or my sponsor. I'm sure my daughter can feel the energy in the air, but I really don't want to speak ill of him in front of her, and do my absolute best to practice that for her sake and her resiliency and future self. I feel as though she is better off without him, that having 4 caring grandparents, 2 aunts, 1 uncle, all of my friends, an awesome regular babysitter, a toddler community at daycare with loving teachers, my support through AA, and a loving mom, she is at an advantage over someone who may become just another pawn in what seems to be a chess game of disordered personality and delusion. I don't want that for her. Just writing this makes me wonder how I put up with it myself, but to dump that on a 2 year old? Not a chance. 

Am I wrong? I think I'm right. I needed to write that. I know that if I change my number, leave him alone, don't let him get in my head, and go fully no-contact, that he won't be filing for custody or visitation anytime soon. Do I leave it at that? Do I get a lot of counseling for myself to be okay with the fact that I don't let my daughter near her father because he is unstable? Why can't I follow my motherly gut on this one? Am I a victim, a pawn, or just severely personality disordered myself?

Thanks for listening. It was helpful enough just to write it alone. So much sickness and recycling, so much energy wasted that I could love my daughter even fiercer with.

In Peace.

[ScaredScarred]

Hi all,

This is my first post, so bear with me.

My exSO is diagnosed BPD, but the diagnosis was officially made right before he went AWOL from the hospital (where they were holding him for suicide attempt until sherrif picked him up to transport to county jail) and so a lot of my experiences with him leading up to that were just me thinking it was purely heroin addiction and unmedicated depression gone terribly wrong. At the time of his departure (he left the state, the U.S. Marshals were looking for him, etc.), our daughter was 18 months old. She is now just over 26 mos/a little more than 2 years old.

I am in recovery myself. I have 4.5 years sober. I met him in 12-step meeting and we were together for about a year before I got pregnant. The relationship was not smooth. I have a lot of insights into my own codependency and enabling now that I am far removed from that phase of my life, through becoming a mom (for the first time at 33), personal growth, working with my sponsor, and Al-Anon. He relapsed once during that time that I know of, when he overdosed in my bathroom and I had to give him CPR to keep him going until EMS arrived with Naloxene. I was not planning on getting pregnant, but clearly was not being careful, for whatever reason at the time. That's a whole other bag of worms that's my own, and not his.

He relapsed again when I was 3 months pregnant, and did not improve, in fact got worse in terms of criminal behavior and desperation to feed his heroin habit, stealing from me in the form of money, checks, cars, laptops, etc., and his parents. I tried and I tried to get out of his way, but I can't even remember any more why I kept on falling back in the "it'll be different this time" trap. I was scared he was going to hurt me, I guess, or hurt himself, probably more honestly. I felt responsible for his health and well-being, as I am 10 years older than him (yeah, great judgment I have going for me) and thought this biological clock impulse was selfish on my end of things. Even as I write this, I can see and hear how sick my thinking is and was. He robbed me of my wallet and id and such at 40 weeks pregnant, after I picked him up from the psych ward (I didn't know where he was, thought he was staying with his parents) to bring him to the homeless shelter. He did it in the parking lot of a gas station. I was induced a few days later, and he showed up at the hospital. I hadn't pressed charges, because the police were sick of me by that point, and not doing anything about it, and I was just tired. It was pretty classic domestic violence to them, and now, looking back on it, to me. The cycle. The sickness.

He bullied himself into the delivery room, and I was too focused on being scared of childbirth to protest. Plus I was already in labor at that point. He was detoxing in the hospital while I was admitted. He stayed off and on with me at the NICU, we would take turns sleeping, and I really thought it would be okay. Those postpartum hormones did a number on my head, because I truly thought we could just begin anew with this baby, and everything would be okay. This isn't mentioning that I had to leave my apartment because of my safety and lack of finances and move in with my parents, who hardly knew him let alone liked him, a month before the baby was due.

So he was with his parents, I was with mine. The baby was with me. Everything seems pretty okay until my parents' bank calls and says that all these checks are trying to go through that seem to be forged. They were. He sold my parents checks to random dealers of his on the streets, and now they were trying to cash in. That was October 23rd, I started Al-Anon that day. We found out at my sister's birthday dinner. My heart dropped. My mother confronted him, said she would not press charges if he could tell her why. He gave her this sob story of wanting to buy a gun to kill himself, but not stealing enough to get the job done. He then walked off, and was arrested the next day for domestic violence against his disabled mother. They found more checks on him, and my mother was posed to press charges, but felt bad, and really didn't know the full situation of this guy, that I was embarassed to share.

He was in city jail for a long time, til they moved him from there to treatment two months later. He walked off the treatment center's property, effectively disappearing. During this time, I came to find out, he was having his ex (who I didn't know he was cheating on me with, or he was cheating on her with me, not sure how that one works) come to visit him in jail, and then calling me collect and yelling at me for getting him in this situation because my parents found out about the checks, and for not visiting him. My codependency only knows why I was accepting charges. I'm sad thinking about it. It was a very dark time.

I successfully got a protection order for me and my daughter after he went AWOL from treatment. Apparently the night after he walked off, he overdosed in a hotel room, and his ex (then current) brought him to the hospital where he supposedly died, they told her he died, then revived him, and he woke up to heroin possession charges. I wasn't there, I don't know. But he was up for felony charges, that's for sure.

He has been in and out of jail, in and out of consciousness, in and out of hospitals, jails, institutions, homeless shelters, hotels, people's back rooms, Craigslist, prostituting himself for money and nearly dying time and time again. He has never had stable footing to be able to take care of our child on his own, nor have I ever trusted him with her alone. He has been resentful of this for her entire life. Even when he was out and about and no one knew where he was, he would want to take her on the bus with him, and that I was depriving him of being a dad. That he "wanted to be a dad", but he didn't want to be supervised, didn't want to pay child support (because he was willing to "be there as a father" which I guess in his head meant he didn't have to pay support), refuses to admit that anything is his fault, and plays the victim because I am depriving "his" daughter of a father. He is manipulative, cold, cruel, and calculating. And makes no sense. None of this makes sense. My parents and his parents would be so upset if I left their grandchild with him. I am scared of the thought of him being with her alone because even if it goes well once, it won't go well the second or third or fourth time when he's endangering both their lives in some way shape or form. She's 2. She doesn't need to be traumatized just to have contact with her dad.

I guess what I'm saying is that why is the guilt eating me alive? I blocked his number, but he will contact me in other ways (through work, etc) and tell me I am depriving our daughter of a loving father. I argue that a loving father would be able to do what it takes to prove that he is capable of safely taking care of a child. He argues that he would never hurt her. And maybe he never would intentionally, I would hope not (though with the DV against his mom and mugging me at 40 weeks with his child, I wouldn't put anything past him), but that doesn't mean that when I was drunk and high pre-sobriety that I didn't have the best of intentions and still mess up things royally. I have this human life that I am responsible for now, and I do not want to share her with someone who cannot see what I'm doing (not giving her to him unsupervised, this isn't even court ordered, he has a felony warrant & a possible prison sentence of a year, so won't appear in juvenile court to file for custody/visitation) is in her best interest. He has no custody of her legally. No visitation of her legally. He has been out of town since January. And he still finds ways to get under my skin to let me know that he has been deprived his fatherly rights.

I guess what set me off is the other day he contacted me again, the first time in a month or so (which is good for him in terms of boundaries). While my social media settings are very stringent because of him, not all of my friends have theirs as locked up. There was mention of the yearly trip we take to a particular river where he coincidentally (I don't even know how that luck happened) lives near now in his hide-out. He texted me from a new number (yes, I will change my own number, I've been holding out because it's on all my business cards, but I'll cave) and asked if I could pick him up and bring him back to Cleveland. I don't know why I responded. I cannot tell you a good reason. I said no, I can't. Not even because "hell no" but because there was no room in the car. I don't know how on earth I don't have a spine after 4 years. And why I'm answering. And why I'm writing all of this. I guess this is part of the process itself. I said something about our daughter, seeing if he had any plans to visit for the holidays. He said no, he was broke, and that he had given up on being a father because he was denied that and he was denied the opportunity to be a dad to her, so why start now, it's too late, that he can't just "desensitize" himself to something as awful as losing a child. Giving up? On what? Caring, I guess. Or he just says it to get under my skin. Make me feel guilty. We've been successful without him so far, we can keep on doing it as long as I am sober.

She's 2. She loves it when she sees pictures of him at his parents house (I have stayed on good terms with them, and they help me a lot as a single mom with babysitting etc). She is well-adjusted. I guess what I'm getting at here is, I don't think I have denied her. In fact, I have spared her this BPD roller coaster. I do not speak ill about him out loud. If I have stuff to say, I text it to his mom (who can relate) or a friend or my sponsor. I'm sure my daughter can feel the energy in the air, but I really don't want to speak ill of him in front of her, and do my absolute best to practice that for her sake and her resiliency and future self. I feel as though she is better off without him, that having 4 caring grandparents, 2 aunts, 1 uncle, all of my friends, an awesome regular babysitter, a toddler community at daycare with loving teachers, my support through AA, and a loving mom, she is at an advantage over someone who may become just another pawn in what seems to be a chess game of disordered personality and delusion. I don't want that for her. Just writing this makes me wonder how I put up with it myself, but to dump that on a 2 year old? Not a chance. 

Am I wrong? I think I'm right. I needed to write that. I know that if I change my number, leave him alone, don't let him get in my head, and go fully no-contact, that he won't be filing for custody or visitation anytime soon. Do I leave it at that? Do I get a lot of counseling for myself to be okay with the fact that I don't let my daughter near her father because he is unstable? Why can't I follow my motherly gut on this one? Am I a victim, a pawn, or just severely personality disordered myself?

Thanks for listening. It was helpful enough just to write it alone. So much sickness and recycling, so much energy wasted that I could love my daughter even fiercer with.

In Peace.

[momtara]

I have to run and didn't read your whole post but in scanning (and excuse me if I've gotten some things wrong) but I want to say, I get it. You didn't do anything wrong, but it's easy to feel bad for our exes in these situations. And it's ok to feel bad. It's ok to feel sad that you're not in a normal situation and that your daughter isn't near the daddy she loves and that you are setting major boundaries. But as you said, he is unstable. She can't protect herself. Better to protect her than to feel bad for him and have something happen, and cry for the rest of your life. I felt bad and didn't ask for all I could have with my mentally ill ex, then ended up spending more than $20,000 to get the protections I needed - because I didn't work hard enough right off the bat. Now is your best chance to protect your daughter. Should your ex get better or come around, he can certainly see her in time. He can also have supervised visits, Skype, etc. Don't feel bad. Mental illness is frustrating but you can't fix him.

[ScaredScarred]

wow, thanks mamatara. I have never had someone say something that I can relate to so much as what you just shared. I guess that's the point of this board huh? 

Thank you for caring & sharing as I don't think I've written all of that down, let alone expressed as one continuous story before. While al-anon people can relate to the substance abuse, and nami family support for the mental health, there always seemed to be a missing piece. Maybe it's the understanding about BPD?

Again, thank you for affirming my maternal instinct.

[Turkish]

ScarredScarred,

Despite all that's happend and how you feel, you sound like a very strong person. It's natural to want your little D to have a daddy, her daddy, but his actions have proven that he isn't stable, or safe. It's good that you have all of the support, even from his parents. 

If paternity was established, he may have equal rights under the law to his daughter, no matter that he's been absent. I would never let him take her anywhere alone. It's his life to get back on track.

Turkish

[ScaredScarred]

Hi, and thank you.

He has signed the birth certificate as her father, and if they ever were to get to the point of swabbing him for DNA, there would be no question as to the results. He is a couple thousand dollars behind on child support, which the state enforced (I didn't request it) because we were on Medicaid (my daughter & I) when I gave birth/she was in NICU for a week.

In this state, if a child is born to unmarried parents, sole custody defaults to mother until/unless father (presumably having established or not questioned paternity) files for rights. As of right now, I have sole custody til he files w this county's juvenile court. I doubt he will anytime in near future because he's in another state and has a warrant with a year of prison over his head if he is picked up (which the sherrifs would do at juvenile court).

So as I told my roommate a little while ago, anything I do is poking and feeding the bear. I live my life peacefully one day at a time, keeping my daughter safe and myself sober, and I won't create a future of worry about something that may never happen. I don't have to engage with the bear, the bear does not know my new phone number, the little one will be protected from that preventable harm and I will honor her wonderful life by remaining calm and being the mom I've tried very hard to be these past 2 years in spite of the messiness of it all, honest, loving, and accountable.

Again, thank you. I appreciate your words.

ScarredScarred,

Despite all that's happend and how you feel, you sound like a very strong person. It's natural to want your little D to have a daddy, her daddy, but his actions have proven that he isn't stable, or safe. It's good that you have all of the support, even from his parents. 

If paternity was established, he may have equal rights under the law to his daughter, no matter that he's been absent. I would never let him take her anywhere alone. It's his life to get back on track.

Turkish

[Turkish]

That's good that legally you are protected then.

How is your daughter handling things? We have info here which can help, whatever the contact level turns out to be with her father. You're basically a single mother. I was the single child of a single mother (single-parent adoption, different situation). It's natural for kids to ask questions, even at her age. How is that going? I'm split from my kids' mom, joint custody. S5 and D3. Interesting times as they develop... .

[Sunfl0wer]

I did not get to read the whole story, however, I see where you feel guilty as your daughter likes looking at pics of dad.  Just wanted to throw out there... .

Your daughter is likely drawn to the concept of daddy.  I think that is a normal healthy response.  Better to keep her safe and shielded ... .and have her continue to be attached to an image of daddy than be attached to the "man" he is in reality.

Yes, it is sad either way... .sorry. 

Don't feel guilty for being mom.  I know you won't compromise your role as her protector, and mom in this situation, but that it is more things that naturally get considered along with everything else.

[ScaredScarred]

Hello, and thank you so much for writing back.

The little one is 2, just had a birthday in July, so while she is super verbal and learning a lot, emotional conversations are limited at this point. She has said she is sad about things, like if I brush her hair and it tangles and hurts her head, or happy about things (almost everything), but never in relation to her dad. She says the word daddy, sees cartoons (pretty much only Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood) where the father is prominently featured and says the word, so as the other respondent mentioned, she has a lovely idea of what a father is conceptually, just doesn't know her actual dad's personality/reality, because he lives out of town (and when he was in town, he was rarely around, and never alone with her).

Weirdly, one of my mom's friend's sons (I grew up with their family) asked my 2 daughter at her birthday party in July "where's daddy?" (when this guy knows if not the details then the general situation), and she said "home". I was livid that this guy asked her that, protective mama bear in me, and had to be calmed down (I'm not the angry, aggressive type, but this made me feel some type of way!) I was standing there when it happened, and I jumped in and said "daddy's in West Virginia". And then she tried to repeat that, "wess werginya". i don't know if that was the best way to handle it, but it's the truth, and i'd rather have that out there then "well daddy suffers from a personality disorder and drug addiction so we don't see him these days". i can't believe someone asked a 2 year old that, super passive aggressive, but that's me on a tangent.

Like i said, he has a warrant in this state, which is why he left the state, and any return to file for actual rights would be met with an arrest, so i think i like the idea of her having a nice idea of a father figure until i have to figure out what is best for her when/if he resumes contact. She will definitely be at a completely different developmental and emotional level, as sometimes it seems like she's growing and changing right before my eyes, and I'm with her every day!

I would say that he's missing out, but I will focus on keeping her safe and shielded, and looking at the smiling photos of him at his parents' house, to keep our lives filled with positive energy and good intentions.

She is absolutely integrated into his family's life, they look after her twice a week for me, she goes to holiday meals and family reunions when it doesn't conflict with my family stuff (and I juggle as best I can). He doesn't talk to his parents or other family, either, and it's pretty much the same with them as it is with me. Sometimes he'll call and ask them for money. His mom mentioned that he had recently to his cousin, with whom I'm friends, and that he said he didn't want to call back when little one was visiting the house, because he "would only cry". this was apparently a few weeks ago, and this past Monday (a few days ago), is when he has been desensitized to the fact that I have denied him his fatherly role and has given up on being a dad. I'm sure he was just being his dramatic self, but it really struck a nerve, as you can see/read.

You can't give up on a child who you don't even know. You can give up on me, you can give up on a lot of things, but not her. It made me sad. I guess that's what provoked joining this board. Writing about it has actually been cathartic, so thank you for this outlet.

That's good that legally you are protected then.

How is your daughter handling things? We have info here which can help, whatever the contact level turns out to be with her father. You're basically a single mother. I was the single child of a single mother (single-parent adoption, different situation). It's natural for kids to ask questions, even at her age. How is that going? I'm split from my kids' mom, joint custody. S5 and D3. Interesting times as they develop... .

[Turkish]

What that kid (how old is he?) said to your daughter doesn't sound helpful at all,.especially if he knows.

Your D will just pick this stuff up naturally. The need to protect our children is natural and good.   Honesty, s the best policy, age-appropriately. I was adopted at 2.4 by a single mother who never married, but she was honest with me from as far back as I can remember. As I got older, I was told more of the story, like the fact that they were addicts, but she did it in a way which showed compassion towards them, even though my birth mother OD'd and died when I was 9. Thus, I didn't pine away for birth parents I had constructed in my head as I saw so many adoptees do.

In your case, her dad may still try contact. Again, I think it's awesome that your daughter can have a great r/s with her father's family 

We have lessons to the right of this board which can help. Tips and resources on validating our children's feelings, and also how to raise emotionally resilient kids. I hope you stick around and continue to share your stories, ScaredScarred. We're among friends and fellow travelers here. 

Turkish

[ScaredScarred]

Thank you.

I will take the time to read the side boards. It's a delicate balance, but I am a firm believer in age appropriate truth and the liberating quality of living a day at a time.

And I love my daughter so much that I am willing to do whatever it takes to learn how to be a successful parent, overall and given these particular circumstances.

Again, thanks all.

What that kid (how old is he?) said to your daughter doesn't sound helpful at all,.especially if he knows.

Your D will just pick this stuff up naturally. The need to protect our children is natural and good.   Honesty, s the best policy, age-appropriately. I was adopted at 2.4 by a single mother who never married, but she was honest with me from as far back as I can remember. As I got older, I was told more of the story, like the fact that they were addicts, but she did it in a way which showed compassion towards them, even though my birth mother OD'd and died when I was 9. Thus, I didn't pine away for birth parents I had constructed in my head as I saw so many adoptees do.

In your case, her dad may still try contact. Again, I think it's awesome that your daughter can have a great r/s with her father's family 

We have lessons to the right of this board which can help. Tips and resources on validating our children's feelings, and also how to raise emotionally resilient kids. I hope you stick around and continue to share your stories, ScaredScarred. We're among friends and fellow travelers here. 

Turkish