Trying to Save the Relationship With the Love of My Life

[chiefharlock]

Hello all,  I have been romantically involved on and off again with a woman who lives with BPD for the better part of three years.  I love N. very deeply and I have always stood ready to put things back together each time she has called it quits or her behavior forced me to walk away.  I have friends in the psychology field who both praise me for doing everything I can to stay the course and not give up on her and say that I am crazy for staying.  

I know that over the past almost three years now that there has been much done to damage the relationship in how we dealt with disagreements and how she dealt with and I subsequently reacted to her feelings of insecurity, distrust, fear and uncertainty.  There have been behaviors, both actual and assumed or fabricated, on both parts that have damaged trust and confidence.  I'm far from perfect, but my loyalty has always been to Her and to Us.

I need help.  I need insight.  I love N. with all my heart and I want to see us achieve/fulfill those life goals and desires that we share.  I want to do a better job of understanding how to help keep her fears and insecurities at bay and rebuild and foster trust within the relationship and also protect myself and not feel guilty for standing my ground on core values that I have.  When things are going well, she is a wonderful person and I can see those parts of her that made me fall in love with her, when times are bad, I know it is there, only buried underneath a freight train of emotion.

I know that I have probably handled some conflicts in an invalidating way, but I always try to use calm thought and logic to get her to look at whatever the issue is and see it for what it really is rather than what she is seeing through the fog of her emotions. I try too be Sympathetic, Empathetic and Truthful, but it isn't always easy and sometimes I for all intents and purposes fall back to my military training.

Please, whatever advice or insight you can give would be greatly appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

I applaud you for your efforts, it is not easy.

One of the traps we fall into is trying to steer our partners back to who we thought they were or the highlights. This sets them up for failure as these roles are not real either. Discovering who the real person is almost take wiping your preconceived ideas of 'normal'. She will always swing in personalities. Your task is to discover what her real central reference is, rather trying to hold her to the peaks of the highs. Which also means not feeding the highs, otherwise to her it feels like you only appreciate her when she is 'faking it', which is ultimately invalidating.

Accept your realities are different, that you can only do your best from your perspective. You will fail at times, sometimes badly, dont allow yourself to feel guilty about that or it will impair your judgement for next time.

One of the most important tips is to not do anything reactively, dont try 'winging" it in the moment. Problem patterns rep\eat, learn and prepare for how better to handle things next time. Thought out responses are more consistent. Consistency is the foundation stone of structure. This what she lacks and what you need to supply.

It is good that you understand the SET tool. This is however only a good maintenance tool to allow things to run more smoothly. At times things will break down and there is nothing you can do apart from step aside until things calm down.

It is doable, it wont be easy, but it can be rewarding. It is about working on you more than anything

Waverider

[ArleighBurke]

Apart from the obvious advice of "read this website top to bottom" (there's much wisdom here), one thing jumps out at me staight away:

You said: I know that I have probably handled some conflicts in an invalidating way, but I always try to use calm thought and logic to get her to look at whatever the issue is and see it for what it really is rather than what she is seeing through the fog of her emotions.

This reads to me as INVALIDATING. "Calm thought and logic?" NOO!  "See the issue for what it is?" NOO!

Reason and Logic, although your friend in your life, NOT HER FRIEND! Validating is listening to the emotion - even when it makes no sense - and agreeing or seeing it from her point of view.

"I'm scared that I might be eaten by a lion". Logic will focus on the lion, the fact that there are none in this country, the fact that even if there were any, they woudn't be HERE wanting to eat YOU. Logic could also suggest carrying a gun. All INVALIDATING.

Do NOT focus on the "lion". The thing to focus on is "I'm scared". Not why she's scared, not how to not be not scared, but the experience of BEING scared. "I'm sorry you're scared, that must be horrible to feel that. I can understand why you feel scared... ."

I'm a military engineer - and this line of thinking is so wrong to me - but it IS the emotional validating way... .

[pallavirajsinghani]

Thank you for sharing your story.  Do jump on to the 'Lessons" and you will see many good articles on developing skills that can make communication better and be useful in diffusing potential volatile situations.

The second are to be studied and implemented is the "self-care" part.  Ironically, it is the oxygen mask theory.  If you do not take good care of yourself (physically, emotionally, mentally AND fiscally), chances are that you won't be able to handle the relationship without becoming unhealthy yourself.  There are various aspects of the "self-care" concept... .fundamentally, it is the concept of boundaries and their enforcement.  Boundaries are not what you impose on your partner, boundaries are what you establish and enforce for yourself.

Lastly and the hardest is to accept is the concept of "radical acceptance".  This state of mind does not mean that you do not love your partner nor does it mean abandonment.  What it means is that you reach a state of mind, where you accept that your partner has a mental disorder and that you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.  It is an acceptance that your love may not be returned in a manner that you yearn for.  It may mean that the relationship may not be two-sided or an equal one... .or even meet the norms one expects... .it means that all your efforts may not result in gratitude or love... .  So, it is a concept that frees one to love... .or not.

There are many here who have build up relationships with loved ones who suffer from this disorder.  They have good days and they have bad days... .either way... .we are by their side every step of the way.

I would recommend highly though that before you decide to have children, you must be very knowledgable about this disorder and master the skills necessary for the long haul.

God bless.

[unicorn2014]

chief harlock, you sound like you got it. your post was really beautiful. I'm really not sure that I have anything to contribute. I think yours is one of the positive posts I've ever read on BPD family, if not the most positive post. Whatever you are doing it seems to be working. 

[chiefharlock]

Thank you all for the additional advice, it really is appreciated.  Unfortunately, after posting this I had to walk away from her because I found out she had been cheating on me, again.  

Best of luck to all of you in your efforts and may you have great success

[Aussie0zborn]

You don't sound like you've "got it" at all, as previously suggested. You are wasting your time and setting yourself up for disappointment. She cheated on you? Again? What more do you want?

Wake up to yourself and think about looking to see why you would accept such nonsense in your life. Find out what's wrong with YOU and forget about her. There is nothing to love there.  Move on and set yourself up for a happy life.

[chiefharlock]

I never said I had it. If I had it, I wouldn't have come here seeking guidance. 

And that is why I finally had to walk away.  Her actions became too much, andyou also cant help someone who refuses to help themselves. Hence my stating that I had to walk away.  You can love someone, be devoted and faithful, but if they aren't willing to or are incapable of meeting you halfway... .