Is this BPD?

[RaisenCane]

Good Afternoon Everyone,

I am struggling with my relationship with my wife who has a family history of BPD (her mother and one sister have been diagnosed, 1 sister is bi-polar and another sister is showing signs of BPD as well) and I feel is now showing tendencies of it herself.  We have been to marriage counseling together and we both have our separate counselors, although she is currently between counselors. The most recent psychiatrist she saw told me if she had a personality disorder such as BPD, I would have known it by now, which I don't totally disagree with, however, her behavior in the last year is so far from the person I've known for the previous 16 years that, given her family history, has me very concerned.  We've been married for nearly 16 years and she turned 39 this year. I understand that BPD usually starts in the late teens or early 20's. We married when she was 23 and her family was concerned she had an eating disorder, although 13 months after we were married, she gave birth to a 9.5 lb baby boy so I hadn't given it much thought. Our entire engagement was horrible as her mother and sisters tried everything they could to break us up. At the time, I did not know what BPD was but now I understand it more and realize what was happening.

We have 5 beautiful children.  My wife home schools the 4 youngest and does an amazing job. My oldest just started high school after being home schooled for most of the first 8 years. We are Catholic, attend Mass every Sunday and sometimes during the week.  The children attend a Catholic Coop one day per week as well which she is very involved with. When we were dating she told me there were 2 things she wouldn't tolerate which are lying and adultery. Prior to this year, I had never known her to lie about anything, even a little white lie.

I know that was a long introduction but I wanted to give some background so you may understand the history and change in her behavior.I know that was a long introduction but I wanted to give some background so you may understand the history and change in her behavior.

This past February, I found she was going to the home of a man while the kids were at their coop. He was an Episcopal priest who was studying to be a marriage/spirituality counselor. He gained her confidence by talking with her about the BPD in her family and how it was amazing she made it through unscathed. He continued to use her family's history as an emotional driver in their relationship. When I learned of her seeing him, she admitted to an emotional affair and began to tell me how she had not been happy for the past 13 years, how I wasn't supportive of her, how I wasn't engaged with her and the kids, how she needed emotional support etc. We started marriage counseling at the time and she promised to break it off. I started my own counseling as well for anxiety and depression. She decided she wanted our marriage counselor to be her personal counselor so we changed marriage counselors while we both continued with our counseling. I raised my concerns to both marriage counselors and my counselor and for the most part, they agreed that I would have known by now.  However, during our 6 months in marriage counseling, she continued on with he emotional affair even though she told both counselors and me she had ended it. I learned in September, the affair had become physical, earlier in the summer, as well as emotional. I filed for divorce and she begged me to stay telling me should would do anything to make it work.  :)uring the 8 months of the affair, I had reached out to family and friends for support which she learned about the week after I filed for divorce and since then has been very angry with me that I discussed it with people (which I agree was unfair on my part). She continues to tell me she hasn't been happy for 13 years and can't understand why I don't feel the same way. No one in our families nor any of our friends thought there were issues in the marriage either. She is now bringing up our lack of sex in the past (we practice natural family planning so opportunities were somewhat limited) when even discussing sex was inappropriate before.

After learning of the affair, the 2nd marriage counselor dropped us because when we started with her we agreed we were both fully committed to making the marriage work and her personal counselor dropped her because she was lying the entire time. Her personal counselor also encouraged her to get a complete psychiatric evaluation, which was performed in an hour by the psychiatrist mentioned before.

Although she doesn't have all the symptoms of BPD, she is expressing the following:

1) Viewing people (especially me) as all good or all bad. Less than 2 years ago she was posting on Facebook how blessed she was to be married to me, now she has been in a bad marriage for 13 years. Also anyone who has "taken my side" is now not her friend.

2) Impulsive behavior.

3) Feeling misunderstood, empty or bored.

4) Using defense mechanisms to avoid taking responsibility. She admits the affair was wrong but has completely rationalized it as a symptom of our "bad" marriage.

The good news is that she doesn't have an explosive temper which is common with her mom and sisters and I seem to be her target whereas her mother took her anger out on the kids.

I understand this is NOT a forum for diagnosis, I'm just trying to understand that if I am dealing with someone with BPD tendencies how do I make things better. How can I get her to view me as good again so I can start working on the marriage. Unfortunately I'm so angry at the affair, it's difficult to forgive but I feel if there is a mental disorder playing a role in this, forgiveness may come easier. Also, if I try to fix the things she is indicating are broken, she tells me I'm only doing it because she told me to and I'm "her puppet on a string."

I truly love my wife and want this to work but am having a difficult time determining if I'm dealing with something out of my control or if this is all of my own making.  

Thank you for any feedback you can offer.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Sorry to hear this, it does come as a shock when it all catches up with you.

It is likely the disorder was showing earlier but in a more subtle way so that you were accepting of a lot of 'abnormal" behavior without being aware of it, as it wasn't openly toxic.

You wife's declaration that it has always been bad is probably her revisionists way of distorting memories to validate her emotions of now.

Your resentment is natural, probably made worse by the 'revelation' that your entire marriage was apparently a sham (note this is her current claim though not necessarily true). Do not feel guilty about this resentment. Acknowledge it for what it is, and dont forget there is likely to be a degree of grief mixed in there. Until you can work through this it will be hard to move forward.

Your wife will be in defensive mode and the more you press her to accept responsibility the more likely she will dig deep into her big box of delusional thinking to avoid it. The net result is neither of you can move forward.

Truth... .This is one of those things you are going have to learn that it is something you can never 100% rely on. The best you will get is her current version of reality, it may be her truth, but it can often be the revisionist truth.

You have a lot lot of realigning to do, rebuilding yourself and your values is your priority, do not try to remold yourself around her in order to appease her. She needs to want you for who you are. Your role is to make it crystal clear just who you are and what you stand for.

Is this out of your control? Yes

Can you still live with and around, something out of your control? Yes, it is possible, but you need to remain independently whole yourself.

Will it be easy?... No. There will be steps forward, and steps backwards.

Whether it thrives or fails there is a lot to learn to help yourself to be a better you.

Keep posting it is very theraputic

Waverider

[RaisenCane]

Thank you so much for your post waverider. I've been trying to change my personality to fit her needs for the past year or more and it hasn't been going well.  I have always been bit anxious but realize it is worse when I am with her or any members of her family as I fear I will not meet their expectations.  During the affair, the anxiety has gotten much worse and is yet one more thing for her to point her figure to to show me I'm the problem.  I've been very thankful that she hasn't yelled or raged at the kids other than one time that I'm aware of but I'm concerned that if I'm not there for her to focus her anger on, she will focus it on them. She is an excellent mother to them and I feel silly for being concerned about it but I've seen the wreckage from her M and it scares. I still hold out hope that we can work it out, but for now I focus on the kids and making sure they are safe, happy and healthy.

[an0ught]

Hi RaisenCane,

Thank you so much for your post waverider. I've been trying to change my personality to fit her needs for the past year or more and it hasn't been going well.  I have always been bit anxious but realize it is worse when I am with her or any members of her family as I fear I will not meet their expectations.  :)uring the affair, the anxiety has gotten much worse and is yet one more thing for her to point her figure to to show me I'm the problem.  

this is clearly the wrong direction and in the end self destructive. Worse is that it won't work as you were attractive as you were at the beginning!

You can only be strong if you are yourself. Trying to become someone else is weakening you and a weakened you has weaker boundaries and weaker boundaries lead to chaos through abusive behavior and excessive emotional transference.

Stay yourself but act differently! The LESSONS will help you along the way.

,

a0