Marriage and BPD

[WuTanger100]

I think I initially posted this in the wrong forum. I've had a look but can't find much info on it... .so... .

I was wondering - if BPD have such wild fluctuations in emotions and have a chronic fear of abandonment resulting in them devaluing partners... .how do some of them end up married? Surely that's the complete opposite of what they're used to?

My uBPDexgf is 31 and makes no secret of the fact she wants a baby and to be married. She feels she is missing the boat so to speak as most of her friends are married and/or have kids.

Unfortunately for her she is a textbook waif and has a history of catastrophic relationship failures (ours most recently) despite appearing to be the perfect catch in looks, intelligence et al.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

They dont learn from past mistakes, and delude themselves as to their own part in them.

Their reality is based on their immediate need without seeing the big picture with all the pros and cons.

A fear of abandonment is not a warning preventing them from being involved, it only raises its head once they are. Hence the cyclic go away/come back...

They cure abandonment by new attachment, Being attached raises the fear of being abandoned again.

[babyducks]

Hi Wu,

My partner has identified her mental health issues, received treatment and worked hard for her recovery.    Having a stable relationship was a big part of her goals.

Getting married is important as it can represent security.  And help combat abandonment fears.

It can depend on where they fall on the spectrum.

[WuTanger100]

I guess what I'm worried about is the fact she knows (or thinks) time is running out for her to settle down and so I'm going to see her get engaged, married and pregnant with this rebound guy. All on my own doorstep!

This is going to play on my mind as its going to feed the self doubt that I just couldn't make it work with this girl. I know this says far more about me than her. The relationship was so stressful and in many ways I'm glad it's over but there's still that 'niggle' in the back of my mind that says 'what if'.

[waverider]

I guess what I'm worried about is the fact she knows (or thinks) time is running out for her to settle down and so I'm going to see her get engaged, married and pregnant

What if she did this with you and the BPD then escalated and you are stuck with even worse problems to deal with?

[WuTanger100]

I completely agree Waverider. I have often thought recently that I dodged a bullet. Things could have been so much more complicated had she fallen pregnant to me.

Thinking back now there were times where she forgot to take the pill but was happy having sex right through to the end. We also had a pregnancy scare in Jan (which I now think was a test to see how I'd react). She also told me her ex-fiancée's mother told her to try and trick him into having a baby - which, thankfully, never happened.

I think seeing her settling down and the illusion of her hapiness will eat me up as it will make me feel that I didn't deserve that with her - despite the abhorrent things she did during our relationship. Maybe I should reflect on my own feelings... .

[waverider]

Maybe I should reflect on my own feelings... .

Correct. Ask yourself why you think what she appears to have is a reflection on you.

You probably need to learn to have more confidence in your own values and self worth. This is an area that often takes a hit when in a relationship with a pwBPD. In fact it makes us susceptible to them in the first place.