INTRO: friends 4 a yr, love him, courting each other...

[nobodysbroken]

Hi.

First time using the forum.

Long story shortened...

My dad was a very low functioning borderline/addict, though undiagnosed. I've put in a lot of work on my own caretaker codependence.

I didn't know what BPD was until the final stages of a tumultuous 4yr relationship with an ex years ago. I came across Walking On Eggshells and read it in one day and my life changed.

I started using the tools it gave and it worked like a charm. Unfortunately by then our history had been so painful that the relationship was already ending and it did.

Now, years later, I am finding myself deeply in love with a friend whom I've known for a year. He also has feelings for me but is taking things very slowly because he admits to having a personality disorder, abandonment issues, and just wants to take things very slow. I respect that. Also, based on his behavior during the year, I suspect it's BPD... and he knows about my BPD ex.

We're getting closer. He trusts me now. We are intimate. He's been sweetly admitting his feelings for me in "safe" ways... .kinda schoolboyish. I love him. He is very self aware, open to help that I know he has pursued, including anger management which helped him a lot. He doesn't self harm and isn't suicidal or an addict, but everything else is there spot on. I've managed to apply some tools to minimize the minor outbursts he's had. He appreciates me for it.

That's my intro story. Now my questions for you wise forum folks- I've never been in the position of courting a BPD guy. My aforementioned BPD ex was very impulsive and we hardly dated before jumping into a serious thing. My dilemma is trying to convey my feelings without freaking him out. He has a very hard time handling compliments, and I have a hard time holding them back because I adore him for so many reasons. I'm not afraid of his BPD. I know what it can be like. I don't want to fix him, but I would like simply sharing life experiences together. We both make efforts to heal ourselves. (We are in our 30s)

He has opened up to me... .more and more lately. Says he trusts me. Is being sweeter than ever.

But when I am too sweet back, it scares him and he pulls away... .but he has also expressed insecurities about how I might view him, hence my compliments which overwhelmed him recently.

So... .any tips on courting specifically a BPD GUY? Courting is tricky enough without BPD... so I'm a bit lost and unsure.

Thanks.

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[babyducks]

hi nobodysbroken



I think my tips could be summed up as go slow and expect bumps in the road.

My partner is diagnosed with two mental health issues.   We have a warm rich and for me, fully satisfying relationship.   It doesn't ~look~ normal to the outside world because we often make decisions meant to accommodate the stresses on our relationship.      For example we are in the process of moving to a new house.  All together it will take us a year to make that happen,   she moved first,  I am clearing up and cleaning out the old house and will be coming along a little later, (and the piano is coming along all by itself later.)   People find that odd but what is important is that we define what works for us, and what makes us both comfortable.   We don't fit snuggly into to stereotypical roles.     We needed to be willing to look outside the box to find ways to make our r/s work.

Overwhelming an insecure person with compliments can happen in any relationship, it is most likely magnified in a BPD relationship.   In my r/s we actually had a relaxed conversation about handling compliments,  kept very simple and very low key.     One or two sentences.    "You know the typical way most people handle compliments is to say thank you."   "Sometimes it does feel uncomfortable to be complimented but I really feel what I am saying so maybe you could just say thank you and we can move on?    Would that work okay for you?"

How does that sound to you?

'ducks

[nobodysbroken]

hi nobodysbroken



I think my tips could be summed up as go slow and expect bumps in the road.

Overwhelming an insecure person with compliments can happen in any relationship, it is most likely magnified in a BPD relationship.   In my r/s we actually had a relaxed conversation about handling compliments,  kept very simple and very low key.     One or two sentences.    "You know the typical way most people handle compliments is to say thank you."   "Sometimes it does feel uncomfortable to be complimented but I really feel what I am saying so maybe you could just say thank you and we can move on?    Would that work okay for you?"

How does that sound to you?

'ducks

Thank you. And though I didn't quote it, I totally understand the whole normal for you guys but not from an outside perspective thing. I'd need a translator to try to explain some of our interactions to a friend who would likely view them as a waste of my time, etc.

Slow and bumps... .yep. I agree with you. I like the idea of having a conversation about compliments. I think even though we're in this awkward spot of being in an unofficial romantic relationship for the moment, recent events with compliment issues can warrant a discussion. We've only gotten as far as (some of the compliments were via text) me realizing he was withdrawing, and gently calling him out by offering an apology in case my compliments made him uncomfortable. His response was "how could that have been anything other than uncomfortable?" So, obviously we would benefit from a convo to get us on the same page.

So, thank you, I shall add that convo in once he's feeling better and I feel like it can be done low stress. 

[an0ught]

Welcome nobodysbroken,

He has opened up to me... .more and more lately. Says he trusts me. Is being sweeter than ever.

But when I am too sweet back, it scares him and he pulls away... .but he has also expressed insecurities about how I might view him, hence my compliments which overwhelmed him recently.

you were asking for advice. He shared that he is insecure. You give him complements. He is scared. ==> What is happening here is that you act without regard to his emotional state and invalidate him. A validating approach would be to tell him that he is insecure, scared and not sure of himself. And do this long enough for him to relax so you can sneak in a compliment when it is justified and preferable not about him but about what he did. For more on this approach see workshops on S.E.T.

That's my intro story. Now my questions for you wise forum folks- I've never been in the position of courting a BPD guy. My aforementioned BPD ex was very impulsive and we hardly dated before jumping into a serious thing. My dilemma is trying to convey my feelings without freaking him out. He has a very hard time handling compliments, and I have a hard time holding them back because I adore him for so many reasons. I'm not afraid of his BPD. I know what it can be like. I don't want to fix him, but I would like simply sharing life experiences together. We both make efforts to heal ourselves. (We are in our 30s)

Are you in therapy? Is he? It may be a good idea. Frankly I'm worried about you. You come from a family of BPD and get into a relationship with a pwBPD. You may believe this enables you to handle it but chances are at least as much that this sets you up for repeating the mistakes you went through in your childhood. What will happen may well depend on you learning the BPD relationship skills in the LESSONS (a lot derived from DBT).

Motivating Hint: The LESSONS may help you courting (validation is a connecting skill) and a emphasis on Respect and Boundaries will be crucial to provide structure and stability of the relationship.

,

a0