contact pain

[Cane787]

After deciding to walk away from the covert abuse for good. I finally knew I wouldn't go there again, no matter how much I loved who I believed she was. I wrote a final letter of honest compassion since I know this mental illness is one she carries, and some people may make it work but we are oil and water. Then I went NC.

A few weeks went by. I didn't want her feedback, I spoke my peace. For the first time, I was relieved living in the silence.

Then she sent an emotional text of how important I am to her. No mention of the letter. She was sure to point a finger and write, "may not be how I want her to be but... ." ( yes, love means many things and emotional covert abuse isn't one of them.) My gutsy side is tempted to make the very long list of what she exactly has done to make me walk away from good. But it would be meaningless, deciphered to her choice of words, unappreciated. A waste of time.

It's all so sad. It just can't be fixed. The text gave me anxiety for the first time since I last spoke with her as well.

[Infern0]

After deciding to walk away from the covert abuse for good. I finally knew I wouldn't go there again, no matter how much I loved who I believed she was. I wrote a final letter of honest compassion since I know this mental illness is one she carries, and some people may make it work but we are oil and water. Then I went NC.

A few weeks went by. I didn't want her feedback, I spoke my peace. For the first time, I was relieved living in the silence.

Then she sent an emotional text of how important I am to her. No mention of the letter. She was sure to point a finger and write, "may not be how I want her to be but... ." ( yes, love means many things and emotional covert abuse isn't one of them.) My gutsy side is tempted to make the very long list of what she exactly has done to make me walk away from good. But it would be meaningless, deciphered to her choice of words, unappreciated. A waste of time.

It's all so sad. It just can't be fixed. The text gave me anxiety for the first time since I last spoke with her as well.

tread carefully my friend, a recycle attempt inbound if ever i saw one

[Turkish]

It sounds like she's still focused on what you can provide for her. I agree that a list would be meaningless to her, and it might even exacerbate the pain she feels. On some level, a lot of pwBPD may be aware of the pain they cause, but they're comsumed by their inner pain that they will never admit it. Validation isn't going to come from her. How can you give it to yourself?

[letmeout]

You have to be really careful around the holidays, my ex always tried to make contact during the holidays. I could have written a book to list all the ways he had hurt me and our children, but he would have tried to convince me that I was just exaggerating or outright lying about him.

So I didn't bother to try to explain it in a letter because somewhere in that damaged head of his, he knows all of the reasons I had to leave him.

Then to add insult to injury he robbed me blind to get revenge. It was worth every penny to get him out of my life though, and I maintain No Contact.

[lovenature]

You have a good understanding of how it is, all about the pwBPD and your feelings don't matter because they are incapable of empathy; she just wants to keep an attachment with you so you can provide her with validation. Some people recommend writing a letter to get your emotions out but don't send it.

The text gave you anxiety due to everything that has happened in your relationship, it is proof of what is best for you to do; maintain NC and look after yourself. Think of how you felt when there was silence and peace, and remember; we can only change ourselves.

[enlighten me]

I have to disagree lovenature. pwBPD are capable of empathy. The problem is when you become a provider for them then your needs are overwhelmed by theirs.

I also think that the anxiety cane felt may have something to do with self doubt. How many off us here had doubts as to whether it was us or them that had a problem? When my ex pointed the finger at me and blamed me for things part of me thought it could be true. The fact that it contradicted reality didn't matter I still had those doubts.

I still get anxious if she does this.

[C.Stein]

pwBPD are capable of empathy.

Yes, my ex was certainly capable of empathy.  The problem was when it came to showing empathy for my feelings, especially when she had hurt me, she couldn't really do it.   I'm certain she could see my pain, but it was easier for her to ignore it than to immerse herself in it.  If she had been able to truly show empathy for my feelings she likely would not have continued to do the things that were hurting me.  At least I would like to believe that.

[Cane787]

I'm thankful for this feedback. This is such a healthy group.

I feel such a conflicting mixture of craving a new beginning and of pain. I hate shutting her out. I don't know how she did it to me so many times. It's been many years of selfish covert abuse. I even tried my hardest to let go, continue loving her, and forgive after she didn't attend my beloved mothers funeral. I didn't get so much as a card. After she cried crocodile tears she was sure to tell me "she's adamant to not miss any funeral at all now, even for acquaintance all due to me!"

I'd put money on it that it was just more covert abuse to tell me that.

I know the abuse from a family member that my exBPD reminds me a great deal of has a lot to do with this lingering pain. But I truly love my exBPD. If that was a charm, it's an insult to who I am, and to my heartfelt letter.

Mind boggling to think I was fooled all this time. Then to read I mean the world to her. It's painful.

I know somewhat of this condition but I am confused on validation. It's all to feel better about herself? Can't she go scam someone new?

I find it beyond surreal how a BPD can love and adore us so much from afar. When they have us, no matter how wonderful, patient, unselfish, loving we are, they grow bored and project on to who cared the most.

The advice on relishing in my peace and quiet will be a repeated mantra. It's refreshing to know you all understand.

I appreciate hearing any and all on your experiences and knowledge.

[Cane787]

@Turkish, I wish I knew. (I like how you pointed that out) Any suggestions?

[Turkish]

@Turkish, I wish I knew. (I like how you pointed that out) Any suggestions?

Have you taken a look at the lessons to the right of the board? They can help.

It may sound cliché, but time helped me. I was a constant poster here for over a year, processing my detachment. It takes as long as it takes for each of us. Speaking of validation, however, I found that I grew up being invalidated. I took it with me into adulthood being overly focused towards the feelings of others at the expense of my own. This doesn't apply to everyone here, but it does to a lot of us. Does this feel familiar?

[letmeout]

I found that I grew up being invalidated. I took it with me into adulthood being overly focused towards the feelings of others at the expense of my own. This doesn't apply to everyone here, but it does to a lot of us. Does this feel familiar?

I for one had the same issue. Growing up being invalidated I thought it was normal for others to do that to me. I thought my role in this life was to be caretaker for those unable to reciprocate. I now know living like that only damages body and soul, not to mention heart.  

[Beacher]

It's hard not to respond.Better off not to though. I've become a constant poster and it's a blessing to get it out. Although I have loved ones that will listen, at this point I see their eyes glaze over and just shake their heads and are  probably thinking  " here we go again". Not so here. Hang in there my friend

[Cane787]

@Turkish, I wish I knew. (I like how you pointed that out) Any suggestions?

Have you taken a look at the lessons to the right of the board? They can help.

It may sound cliché, but time helped me. I was a constant poster here for over a year, processing my detachment. It takes as long as it takes for each of us. Speaking of validation, however, I found that I grew up being invalidated. I took it with me into adulthood being overly focused towards the feelings of others at the expense of my own. This doesn't apply to everyone here, but it does to a lot of us. Does this feel familiar?

What robbery. Yes. It definitely sounds like my entire life. My mom was the only selfless person I've ever had in my life.

Thank you. Thank you all. Seems bittersweet to do so much work to find out how we got here and yet, finding the relationship made me better for it. My heart breaks for her, but that is something I will have to continually

work on, I'm sure, while I anxiously live for the indifference day of not caring if she genuinely hurts at all.