Living without a parent as an adult

[thatgirlL]

I am not big on self pity or asking for things that I cannot have but there are times in my life where it becomes BLARINGLY evident that I don't have a mother. Even a semi-normal one. :P

My husband is currently away training for a new job and I am 34 weeks pregnant. It's been a rough week proceeding the trip as my 3 year old caught the stomach flu and was sick everywhere for days. Then DH caught it and I caught it a (thank God I caught a much cleaner version than them). But Thursday at my midwives appointment I just cried. I am so tired. I am also possibly going to need a c-section which is a problem as I have a precarious relationship with conventional medicine - I don't do well. I had an ADR to an antibiotic and was disabled for nearly 4 months this time last year. They thought I had a horrible onset of MS. I am also in the throws of some  work deadlines. It's a lot right now. But that tends to be how things go around here. Blessings and reality all mixed together.

I think my need to reflect on my mother during major life events such as this time in my life at 34 weeks is obviously tied to my complex relationship with her. I often tell my husband "she taught me how NOT to act" but not "how to act". So I know all these things not to do. But what do I do instead? Most of the time that is easy... .but sometimes it is not. For example, with DH gone this would have been a wonderful time to ask my mother to visit us, stay, help me watch my child and help decorate the nursery. I know NOT to do that. But what do I do instead? I don't get to have a mom. I can't manifest that or seek it in someone else. You get one mom. I have no remaining female relatives and I am about to have 2 daughters. It is almost ironic. I see it as a form of redemption. Of hoping I can pull off maintaining a strong female bond with these women I am going to raise. But sometimes it would be nice to have a mom myself. Hell even a level headed aunt. Unfortunately my MIL is low on the spectrum herself and is a precarious confident and it has backfired on me.

I would be interested in if anyone has read any good books on living without a mother. I have come to terms with her BPD and understand it from reading and my own therapy at times well. I still have PTSD at times from how I was treated and threatened but it's dissipated as I've aged.

I know this all will pass. I don't regret the NC. But it doesn't mean I didn't want or need a mom.

[busybee1116]

But what do I do instead? I don't get to have a mom. I can't manifest that or seek it in someone else. You get one mom. I have no remaining female relatives and I am about to have 2 daughters. It is almost ironic. I see it as a form of redemption. Of hoping I can pull off maintaining a strong female bond with these women I am going to raise. But sometimes it would be nice to have a mom myself.

Damn straight, you get redemption with your daughters. I long to have a mother. I'm not 34 wks pregnant, working, husband out of town in need of some mothering! but totally get what you mean about having times where I need/want a mother and I don't have one (even though she is still living). I keep trying to find other ways to get support. It's not the same, but it's good. Cultivate your friendships so you can have help at points in your life. I'm the kind of person who has no idea how to ask for help, but I'm the first there when needed. So I'm working on accepting help, too. I have more female friends and better relationships with my neighbors and co-workers than I did when I first figured out WTH was wrong with my mom. It's nice to know U could call any of them for help now. I don't have an answer for you because I'm working on the same thing. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is uneventful and your baby girl is healthy!

[HappyChappy]

Wow you do have a lot of stress at your door all at once. Congratulations on the bambino in the making. I guess pregnancy does make one think about motherhood and mothers. I went NC couple of years ago (best thing for me) and what helped me was to grieve the mother I wish I had had. So I actually write an epitaph burning it and burrowed it with stuff that reminded me of my mom. My Therapist suggested it. Another way is Gestalt theory (but you need a Therapist to do this) and here you basically talk to a chair as if it’s your mom, telling them why you are angry with them. It’s a bit more involved, but both these designed to help us get over/grieve our moms. Also making new friends help me, they can do that the stuff a mom would do, like baby site and give you a break. Hope that helps.   

[Sarah girl]

Hello ThatgirlL,

Congrats on your pregnancy! We can start a club here. I'm 33 weeks pregnant with two other kids and am feeling the same way these days. I see my friends with very supportive mothers and must remind myself every day that having a real mom was never in the cards for me. I remember the first time I felt like and orphan. It was after one of my BPD mom's psychotic episodes which left me high and dry and totally devastated. At the time, she had insisted on watching my kids for two weeks in the summer and then just lost it when one of my kids told me that she had been in a car accident while driving them to the mall the day before. When I say lost it, I mean true, scary "call-the-police stuff" right in front of my terrified children. And she never wnated to see us again. My mom didn't even realize the harm she had done in not keeping her committment and carrying on in such a horrific way in front of my kids. But this is how it's always been with her. It dawned on me that I've been an orphan for most of my life. I remember feeling empty and rootless. But it was also when I finally saw things for what they were. I always wanted to believe that I had a good mom who was just protective and sensitive. But that just wasn't the case. I was never safe with her. So for me, the alternative is better.

Although my husband is not out of town, there's a very real possibility that I will have to have this baby by myself. DH will need to stay home and look after the kids. We did ask a friend to help babysit but odds are he won't be available because he himslef has his hands very full. We entertained the idea of hiring a doula or midwife but the cost is not feasible. Also, my mom will probably be angry and offended that she will not be a part of our birthing plan and will pounce on me the second she gets a chance.

I know all this but I'm still excited about what is to come. I feel blessed and happy. I know I will get through it. She can't take away my joy unless I take the bait and let her. This time, I might be an orphan, but I will not let her ruin this experience for my little family. The pain of knowing I never had a real mom will probably never go away. I ackgnowledge that every single day. But that's not what I'll be thinking about when I'm holding my baby for the first time.    

I think you deserve some credit. You are keeping it together despite everything. I do think that you're quite resourceful and should take a moment to be proud of yourself. I'm reading:Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. It has helped me identify and work through my emtions. I hope this helps. We can talk some more if you like. My pregnancy hasn't been a walk in the park either. Sending you hugs and support... .