Welcome Stevensj,
I'm exhausted and emotionally spent, to the point now, I don't even know what to do.
a first step may be focusing on regaining some energy. You find the LESSONS as a sticky topic at the top of this board and they will help you to do exactly that. Let me explain how... .
I regret talking out loud when he is home as his facial expressions and comments are horribly hurtful.
This is typical and both a sign that you two are close, you have weak boundaries and are able to sense emotions well. Quite natural, nothing wrong in general with that except in a marriage like yours simply relying on natural behavior is not sufficient. Basic coping mechanisms like avoiding triggers aka. walking on eggshells is insufficient and actually leads to a gradual escalation. So... .
meet the two key tools at your disposal. Yeah, there are the LESSONS and you need to study them, really study them like you would a very serious course but at the root most is grounded in these two skills:
Boundaries: It is an effective, quite defensive/minimal escalating way to make a stand and protect key concerns and values of yours. Study the workshops, plan and ask for advice on the board. Quality of execution matters! The first ones will be scary but it will get easier over time. Besides protecting whatever you want to protect the first solid boundaries will shift power in your relationship back to a more balanced manner. They also will return some sense of control to you making you less sensitive to some of his inconsiderate behavior.
Validation: You have a keen sense of emotions
But right now this sensitivity is working against you.You sense and then tiptoe. You sense and swallow. You sense, swallow and overflow triggering a fight or struggle to hold yourself back. Not good!
Validation allows you to better process what is happening and deal with the emotions being thrown from him at you. By processing them properly and assigning them to him you off-load your own suffering. You also enable him to better deal with himself.
Validation starts with understanding better what emotions he expresses and avoiding invalidation. While we should not avoid triggering a pwBPD - they are adults and don't have a right to force everyone around them to walk on eggshells - we must avoid unnecessary invalidation. Invalidation is triggering and over time very corrosive to the pwBPD ability to regulate and our relationship with them.
A good way to get started are the workshops in the
LESSONS and then asking questions on the board focused on specific issues or situations.
Again
,
a0
