A change in my behaviour

[Lou12]

Usually the pattern of my behaviour with my BPD bf goes something like this...

We reconnect, all is good for a period of time (usually a couple of months). His BPD behaviours start to increase. I ignore for a while. He ups the behaviours. I snap and kick up a big argument. He calls me crazy and splits me black and STs me or I say it's over in a fit of rage. We NC for a while. He covertly stalks me but let's me know it's him and I reach out to him and we are back to square 1.

Now this time around I have educated myself better about BPD. I have made the decision that I want to be with him and I am willing to give it my best shot using the techniques and advice I've been given.

So far the pattern of relationship has pretty much gone as before, except I ignore most behaviours, I don't react angrily, I validate more and I never say it's over.

His behaviour pattern remains the same, except now he does not really have an excuse to paint me black because I don't give him one so he continues ST but we get through the dilemma quicker without either of us saying the relationships over.

I have noticed that he desperately looks for things to split me black over and he provokes me to react angrily so he can call me crazy and split me. I don't give him these things!

I am wondering at this point what turn of events is likely to happen since I've changed the pattern?

I have a initiative feeling that he is going to have to internalise that his behaviours can't be normal for the first time? As usually he projects them onto me.

Is this a likely event that this way of handling things is going to make him realise it could be him that's crazy? And if so how is he likely to handle this?

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[blackbirdsong]

Usually the pattern of my behaviour with my BPD bf goes something like this...

We reconnect, all is good for a period of time (usually a couple of months). His BPD behaviours start to increase. I ignore for a while. He ups the behaviours. I snap and kick up a big argument. He calls me crazy and splits me black and STs me or I say it's over in a fit of rage. We NC for a while. He covertly stalks me but let's me know it's him and I reach out to him and we are back to square 1.

Now this time around I have educated myself better about BPD. I have made the decision that I want to be with him and I am willing to give it my best shot using the techniques and advice I've been given.

So far the pattern of relationship has pretty much gone as before, except I ignore most behaviours, I don't react angrily, I validate more and I never say it's over.

His behaviour pattern remains the same, except now he does not really have an excuse to paint me black because I don't give him one so he continues ST but we get through the dilemma quicker without either of us saying the relationships over.

I have noticed that he desperately looks for things to split me black over and he provokes me to react angrily so he can call me crazy and split me. I don't give him these things!

I am wondering at this point what turn of events is likely to happen since I've changed the pattern?

I have a initiative feeling that he is going to have to internalise that his behaviours can't be normal for the first time? As usually he projects them onto me.

Is this a likely event that this way of handling things is going to make him realise it could be him that's crazy? And if so how is he likely to handle this?

Hard to tell, every BPD is different. Just make sure to write here your experience. I am really interested in the outcome.

I think you have a good approach just make sure you have firm boundaries in the context of him provoking you. The only thing is how will he react on this. Good luck!

[Ceruleanblue]

It's great that you've had such great results just as a result of how you interact with him, and by using the tools. You've managed to make you own life more peaceful? I'm betting some of what you are getting might be extinction bursts: where he's trying to get you to interact with him in the old ways, so he can split again, and then paint you black.

He's not used to the way things are going now. Any change has an adjustment period. He could start acting out in worse ways, or he could eventually give up trying to get a reaction out of you. I think my BPDh never stopped trying to suck me back into reacting the way I used to years ago to him. I think just now, after well over a year of me having better boundaries, and changing how I react/interact with him, is he seeing that he has to make some changes. It wasn't the big "I have BPD, and must deal with it" though that you'd think it might be. I think that is just very, very hard for them to come to terms with, and likely why they project and want to blame others for all of their issues(I realize not all of those with BPD do this, but a lot do).

Kudos to you for changing the dynamics of your relationship. Just don't have huge expectations for this to be a huge wake up call for him. I think it often takes something a lot more eye opening than that, or where they have a lot more to lose. It has to be hugely effecting THEM for them to really face reality(and I'd bet some of them don't do it even then, due to denial)... .

[TheRealJongoBong]

All I know is that when I stopped reacting to my wife's BS she kept escalating and escalating until she was involuntarily committed for a few days. She still (it seems to me) does low level attacks and gaslighting frequently, but it never progresses much beyond that because I either ignore it or give SET-like responses.

[formflier]

  I am wondering at this point what turn of events is likely to happen since I've changed the pattern?  

 Welcome to test pilot school!  You are off into the wild blue yonder, of the unknown.  Remember, the rules and principles still apply.  He will get frustrated and start new angles of what will seem to be "attacks", most likely looking for a reaction.  The more self aware you can become, you will identify a trigger coming, and use a tool or boundary to save yourself from "being discovered".  Even if he does find a trigger and "gets you".  Tomorrow is a new day.  No big deal.  Find a strategy to protect that trigger and move on.  If he starts speeding things up in an argument, or really anytime, SLOW things down is always a good thing.  You want to "understand" where he is coming from.  

FF

[Lou12]

Thanks again all.

Yes Blackbirdsong I will keep you updated on anything further. It's always good to share any feed back of results in these situations.

Yes Ceruleanblue I feel more at peace with every ST. I just can't be bothered to get myself worked up all the time as theirs to much of a pattern the I am recognising now. I am working lots on my own abandonment worries so ironically every time he does an ST it makes me realise how much more mentally strong I am which in turn makes me feel proud of myself that I am over coming my fears even if only a little.

Yes Jongo and FF I definitely feel their has got to be some kind of peak here. The last time we were together his behaviours where very highlighted. He was trying every single angle possible to get a reaction out of me. The push and pull was off the charts, literally pulling me close physically for a few mins then pushing me away for a few mins and starting again with the pull. I actually had to say to him after an hour Wow 'what is with this push/pull' he agreed but never said no more. Ironically he has been more verbally telling me he loves me more lately. Even calling me in the middle of the night to tell me he loves and misses me which he has never done before. Is this a sign of anything I can expect with unusual additional affection? He's triggering more quickly as well! He passively tried to make me feel as disposable as possible on our last evening together yet was more loving to. Suppose total push pull.

I do feel like we are headed up a hill though and we are about to hit a peak of some kind!