Validation Check

[martillo]

I want to run this text exchange by the wise folks here to see if it is validating or unvalidating.

Back story:  UBPDh, active alcoholic has been staying at our vacation home for the past 2 weeks – angry with me.  We have a business together so see each other most days of the week. 

H is in silent treatment mode - silent treatment from him is not really silent – it involves being super kind to everyone around us and either ignoring me; only griping or complaining to or about me; asking someone else for something that I will need to put together for him at work (which I end up doing and giving to him anyway); muttering statements under his breath that are digs at me which I can’t really hear so I ignore like it wasn’t even said.  I do my best to ignore the angry, pointless statements, respond to the work requests as needed, and must confess that I am not greeting or initiating any conversation other than as needed for work – sounds like tons of fun, doesn’t it?

So yesterday afternoon, H called me on my cell to share a bit of positive work news and I could hear in his voice that he was already drinking, so I woo-hooed the good news and we disconnected on good terms. 

H always wants to have deep, meaningful relationship “talks” when he is drinking.  These never go well and I am working on minimizing talk time about “us” when he drinks. So last night we had the text exchange below.

H:  “You have no idea how much I love you.  Very stressful right now.  But still do not want it to end.  Call if you feel the same.”

Me:  “You are my husband.  I love you with all my heart.  Tonight is probably not a good time to talk because you have been drinking.  That makes it difficult to communicate.  You will always be my husband and I will always love you.  Lets talk in the morning.”

H:  “Nope just playing cards with DS23.  Never mind I’m done.”

H:  “You must be thinking of someone else.”

H:  “No reason to call.”

I did not respond after my initial text and this morning the silent, angry treatment continues. 

I know that addiction behavior will never be rational, but wanted to see if I am on the right communication track – in the past when H begins, I have always tried to converse in a thoughtful, logical way because I don’t want to be “cold and distant” (one of my endearing qualities per H) but it always ends poorly and I end up not communicating thoughtfully or logically .

I want to communicate in a caring way, but also be able to detach before it escalates.  Was my text invalidating?

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