If she is so worthless and so defective, why would anyone ever love her?

[Concerns]

Borrowed from another thread on Leaving, "If she is so worthless and so defective, why would anyone ever love her?" Or it usually goes "I'm completely ***ked-up, why would you want to be with me?"

I've had this response from my BPDw numerous times. In a sense, she is partially correct. Obviously, I love her despite her illness. But at the same time, I don't really have a validating answer for her. If I tell her that I love and support her, she scoffs bc why would she believe that? Why would any adjusted person accept this in a relationship?

Another piece of this thread included this from Cosmonaut, 

"So, now can you see why she is shutting you off?  She is in emotional agony.  She is shutting off all her emotions.  She is trying to simply survive.  She can't chase after you or talk about the relationship or reminisce about things.  She can't begin to handle the emotions involved.  Rather than not caring about losing your, she is overwhelmed by this experience."

When a pwBPD shuts their significant non out, how do you resolve the fact, however false/maladjusted, that they reach out to new people for emotional satisfaction?

It seems she is not simply surviving. She has made a decision to chase another. She uses another to talk, build, reminisce about life. She is handling the emotions involved with someone else. She may care about me, she may feel overwhelmed by me as a trigger but she's not so overwhelmed that she isn't reaching out and engaging others emotionally. It seems the early stages of the relationship help build the understanding for a good relationship and that emotional connection is being built with someone else. Or is it really? Is it a house of cards? It may be but does that signal the end of her capability to handle or deal with me personally?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TheRealJongoBong]

When a pwBPD shuts their significant non out, how do you resolve the fact, however false/maladjusted, that they reach out to new people for emotional satisfaction?

I see it as a way to sooth themselves. They start first by shutting their SO out who is causing them emotional upset. The next thought is "I need somebody that I can project all my stuff out on. My SO has made it unpleasant to do that with them, so I will find someone else who doesn't do that."

This was my wife's MO for many years before I met her. She would start a new relationship, then when it came time that she had to become more intimate (vulnerable) she would start huge arguments blaming them for all of the problems. They would understandably get upset and leave, and she would find a new person to repeat the pattern.

[JQ]

Hi Concerns,

I heard that more times then I can count with my exBPDgf ... .almost word for word. Remember that BPD is a serious mental behavioral illness that started Loong before you showed up in the picture. They have learned this 3 yr old toddler behavior as a defense when they were young. They weren't loved or ignored, not paid enough attention to as a child so then they would act out to obtain the attention they needed. Once they acted out they were shamed into why did you do that? Why did you say that? They were taught to believed they were bad, and the "parent" would ignore the child as a form of punishment.  And the cycle would happen again and again.  There is some evidence that suggest that because of this type of childhood that the brain didn't actually develop normally and that the forward part of the brain that in part controls emotions & behavior didn't fully develop that the neurons never connected and so they are forever the 3 yr old toddler that will forever have behavioral relationship issues.

I would agree with Real in that it's a way to sooth themselves or ignore the actual situation that is causing them severe anxiety. When it comes to having a meaningful conversation with a BPD they find it next to impossible. Mine would actually ignore my question about the relationship & make a statement about something completely off topic that had a child like innocence to it. It was like that 3 yrs toddler sticking their fingers in their ears yelling "na na na na ... .I can't hear you".

Most Ph.ds & therapists will tell you that those who suffer from BPD will forever be that 3 yr old toddler even with a lifetime of therapy and possible mood stabilizers. It has nothing to do with you, your personality ... .it's all her and her illness. I would agree with the quote ... ."She is trying to simply survive, She is shutting off all her emotions." She is emotionally stunted ... .and will be. I have a dear friend who is a clinical physiologist who does group therapy for those who suffer from BPD. She told me recently that she doesn't feel sorry for them ... .but sympathizes for them. They are seriously broken human beings that will never get healed ... .they might live a somewhat better life with a lifetime of therapy & meds aka mood stabilizers ... .but they will be forever broken human beings."

It's not about you ... .it happened long before you were in the picture so you didn't cause it ... .you can't control it ... .and you'll never be able to cure it.  Those with BPD will have a long history of turbulent and destructive relationships. My exBPDgf told me of at least 28 sexual encounters that she had ... .I actually think it was more but she'll never admit to it. She feels ashamed and is full of guilt and has been since she was a child.

you said, "how do you resolve the fact, however false/maladjusted, that they reach out to new people for emotional satisfaction?" My exBPDgf had invited me to a couple of therapy sessions & in one of those she had said something sexual in nature about the other bf. The therapist asked me what I thought of her statement. I told him, "oc, I would like to have a mutually respectful monogamous relationship with her"  in which his reply was, "JQ, that might not ever happen".  When a trained professional tells you that ... .its a clue.  I had buried a female friend who had died from AIDS she contracted from her bf. I told my exBPDgf about it ... .told her I was not into triangles and possible STDs like Hep C, among others that will remain with you for the rest of your life ... .I made a choice at that point it was time for me to move forward in my life. If 25 plus years of her going to multiple therapist, taking mood stabilizers hadn't really made a difference in her behavior, no amount of love I showed her was going to make a difference. At one point we were having a "relationship conversation" and told her I went ahead & had a STD test done. Her reply with a smile, "That's probably a good idea".  I either had to accept the fact she would never be monogamous and accept the relationship as it was ... .or move on. I chose to move forward in my life to find someone who I could have a mutually respectful monogamous relationship that I wanted ... .the choice is up to you.

JQ

[Wantingtochange]

This is my first time on this board, I'm on the leaving board but I got curious about this board and wanted to see if I could find threads that help me with my recovery.

It was my thread your quoting so I'm going to throw my two cents in.

First and foremost, I want to emphasis a point that I still have to continually remind myself on. It is very easy to fall into the trap of, they think like we do.They do not. So if your trying to analyze the situation maybe keep that in mind. It is a serious mental illness where most of us will not be able to comprehend much of what happens.

With that said my pwBPD  absolutely had the ability to shut someone off. She often would throw that in my face during arguments saying, "I can shut you off like that" (Snapping her fingers). Each time we broke up she would shut me off and continue on with her life like nothing happened.

They do not think in complicated or grey areas like we can. Its all or nothing. Black or white. Good or bad. So because of her splitting she would paint me black and all of the sudden I'm a bad guy. This allowed her to walk away and shut her feelings off.

I have since learned that it's not that she doesn't feel all the intense emotions, it's that she feels them much more intensely then I do. She therefore has to shut them off or otherwise it's too much, too hard for her to handle. As many on this site have reminded me, it's less about me and more about her. It doesn't matter how much bonding you had early on, how intense your love or feelings where. Their feelings constantly swing, they constantly change. And since they are such strong emotions, they often base facts on their feelings. In other words feelings=facts.

Yes they often reach out to others for validation and their projection issues. Whether we were aware of it when we were in these relationships, our significant other was projecting onto us. Looking back now I'm amazed at how much of that I missed. But again we want to believe what we want in order to make the relationship work... .

Long story short, they are guided by their feelings. And many times their feelings are so intense they have to shut them off. And the hardest pill to swallow is the fact that most of us become triggers for them... .so they shut them off.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

A BPD never shuts off their emotions, they may shut them off to an individual or individuals, but no they don't ever shut off their emotions totally.  If they did they would not be out meeting new men or women. 

Giving someone the silent treatment is not shutting off emotions, it takes emotions to give the silent treatment.

[waverider]

"I hate me"... hard and painful thought. Soothe by projection, put my thoughts in your head "You must hate me... " The hate is now coming from you not me, I am a victim you hate me so I must hate you more, you are a persecutor. I need to find a rescuer, who does not know me so wont hate me, so I can impress them and start afresh (Trianagulation).

Your denials dont carry much weight as denial is their tool they know how flippantly it can be used. The feeling you have for them is alien to their way of thinking so it is impossible to describe or convince.