I am so worried about him, I can't decide what to do for myself

[zuki1111]

I have been in a very close relationship with a man undiagnosed but who I believe has BPD. I love him very much, when we are getting along. That only lasts about 2-3 days. I know that he is emotionally abusive to me, but I think it is because he doesn't know any other way to have a relationship. So I always forgive him, and stay with him.

Recently, I have realized that his abuse is affecting my self esteem and that, since I have been with him, I have become depressed and discouraged to the point that I do not feel like I am able to work, or function in my life.

The problem is, that I do love him, and I know that my separating myself from him is very hard on him, and emotionally damaging to him, and I don't know how to leave him, emotionally or physically. He is completely dependent on me, financially and in every way.

I just don't know how to keep loving him right now, but I also don't know how to leave him, because I don't know if I really want to. I need some space to think, but I can't think because I am so worried about how he is doing. I even wonder if he might hurt or kill himself. For the first time since I met him, I wish I never had. I feel so stuck and confused.

I have not gone home for the last 3 days, and he has not responded to my text questions. We both have therapists, and mine feels that I have to take care of myself and stay away. But I am too worried about what I am doing to him, to take care of myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello and welcome zuki1111,

I'm going to start by agreeing with your T, because no matter how much you might want to look after your SO it's not going to happen unless you pay attention to your needs first. Paying attention to your needs first will help you stop feeling stuck and confused.

Coming here to bpdfamily, will help and support you while you learn the tools needed to get stronger and also help you find ways to improve your relationship.

Here is a link to the lessons we use here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

Maybe start with Lesson 5 Finding Inner Strength and Hope.

It's very positive that you both have a T 

It's really great that you find your way to us and posted. Your post demonstrates lots of self awareness and insight into both you and your SO's behaviours.

I can also hear how difficult and overwhelming everything has become for you and I understand those feelings. Sharing a life, having a relationship with a pwBPD is difficult to navigate. Are these the reasons you have not gone home?

Other than your T who else is in your life for support?

Let us know how you are, so keep posting.

[zuki1111]

I left home because I couldn't deal with his emotional abuse, and there was no other way to get away from it. I have not returned because I don't know what I want to do in this relationship, for the first time, and if I see him, I will want to make him feel better, and will be more confused about what I want. I know that is codependent, but when I am with him, his needs and feelings seem more important (to both of us)

[zuki1111]

I have a few friends and a sister I am close to, but they don't understand why I would not just leave him, since he has been emotionally and verbally abusive. So its not really supportive, since they have an opinion of what I should do.

[sweetheart]

Are you staying somewhere that you can take as much time as you need?

Even though the decision to stay away must be very difficult, prioritising your emotional wellbeing in this way is an important start to improving your relationship.

You say he is not answering your texts, did he know you were going to take time away?

Are you able to explain more about why you think your SO has BPD?

[waverider]

pwBPD operate on black and white extremes. They expect you to be either fully supporting them or fully abandoning them. We tend to end up responding in like manner and accepting aspects which are not acceptable in order to not appear abandoning.

This is not normal.

Redicovering own values and establishing or boundaries, consolidating ourselves as independent individuals is what we need to do. It is a life skill and they can rob you of it by the very nature of how the disorder unfolds.

You are not simply in this RS to appease your partner. You have to appease yourself.

[zuki1111]

First, I do have a place I can stay, or even a few options, although none are ideal.

I have read a lot about BPD and he has most of the characteristics. He has no relationships at this time, including family members. His parents were both abusive, his siblings won't even speak to him (he can't understand why). He is very immature in his perception, and unable to see anyone else's perception of him or themselves. He sees everything in black or white, he is very afraid of being abandoned and is possessive and jealous of anyone I interact with (especially my adult children), he insists on knowing what I am doing all the time, and always believes I am doing something he doesn't know about. He has extreme emotional responses, that he can not control, and doesn't see as abnormal, including rages where he has shouted at me, broken things, and a few times shoved me and once hit me in the face. He frequently calls me names and insults my character, He is never sorry about anything he does, and always blames me for whatever I did that made him react, or if I point out something he did that hurt me, he says "what about what you do to me?"

He has been unable to work since before I met him, which he says is because of the PTSD from his last relationship (he told me he just needed time to recover). We fell in love at first sight, and were emotionally and physically very passionate, which he feels is our real relationship, and that I just won't let us have that back because of my "issues". He does not understand the concept that I might say something, then think something different, or say I will do something, then change my mind. He can not compromise or negotiate, and if I try to express a different point of view, he says I always argue, and don't respect him, or he gives in and says fine, you are always right.

No matter what I do or say, he does not believe I really love him, because I can never give him all of what he thinks I should. He never says anything good about me, and criticizes me, but says all he is trying to do is love me. He has a very negative self image, although he won't admit to ever doing anything wrong.

I could go on, but the point is, he acts in ways that are classic BPD, and has the typical background that can cause it. I know I have been codependent and believed that I could be there for him, and that I could live with the problems because I am so tolerant. But after being in therapy for the past year or more, I realize that I have given up myself (or have tried to be what he needs) because I love him, and he has convinced me that this is what he needs to be stable.

But I have now realized that he has been emotionally abusive to me, and that I can not help him, and it is taking a toll on my mental health, as well as having stepped back from all my relationships because anything I do that is not centered on him is threatening to him. I have even done things I am not happy about in my relationships with my adult (20's) children.

The problem is, I really love and care about him, and can't stand hurting him. I know that he can not function without me, and he blames me for everything, and I tend to take on his blame.

The final straw that convinced me to leave him was I realized he has such a negative view of me that I was becoming unable to function myself, and thinking that my only option was ending my own life. (this is only a thought, not something I would do, but it scared me). But I am so worried about him, I don't know what to do. he won't respond to my texts, and I am afraid if I see him I will go back, and accept the blame again for everything.