Hello,
For months, maybe even longer, I've been searching the internet to figure out what's been going on with my relationship. I found
www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com last night and it's like a light has been turned on. This is exactly what I've been dealing with.
I've been with a woman for just over 4 years, and we're engaged to be married. The wedding is in less than 3 months. In her previous marriage, she was repeatedly cheated on. In our relationship, she has been unable to trust me. Not just when it comes to relationship and sexual fidelity, but basic trust of good intentions on my part. She frequently assumes the worst of me, and also of others. For awhile, so much of what I did was interpreted as evidence I was cheating on her. It has gotten somewhat better recently. When I went away for my job she suspected I was visiting ex's, if I got a text late at night, if I wanted to spend time with friends, if I didn't seem as interested in her sexually, sometimes just the smallest of things would spike her anxiety about infidelity.
She's asked me questions to "test" me. One time she asked me what type of women I am interested in. When I told her "beautiful women" that really set her off, because I was supposed to answer "only her." Sometimes just the most innocent comment or joke explodes into anger on her part.
She is completely allergic to taking responsibility for any wrongdoing. Sometimes after hours of arguing I can convince her to reluctantly apologize, though it is usually qualified in some way.
She also has negatives thoughts about herself that she projects on to me. She has said in the past "sometimes I get the feeling that you don't respect my career" or "sometimes I get the feeling that you think I'm as smart as you are." When I probe for the concrete reasons why she thinks these things, for specific behaviors in me that makes her think that way, there are none. Just "feelings." I can see how her behavior all stems from this intense desire to not get hurt and as a result she struggles to make herself vulnerable.
There have been two recent absolute World War III angry blowups: once when I told her I wondered how ok she was with my autonomy when she wanted to join two activities I participate in, and the other when I told her I didn't care to do anything for my birthday so she didn't need to take it off of work, and then subsequently accepted an invitation from friends to go out to dinner. Those are the recent ones, in the past 6 months.
The rest of her life seems to be going along just fine. She doesn't have any problems with substance or alcohol abuse, she has a good and stable career, is responsible with money, my family and friends love her. She's also been willing to see a counselor, at my request, because of her trust issues and general propensity for negativity and depression. For these reasons, she seems to not have full-blown BPD, but BPD-like behavior.
The thing that gives me pause from ending the relationship immediately, is my partner has been receptive to some of my concerns, though after a period of significant push-back, and she has improved. If I was to compare her BPD-like behaviors now to the first year of our relationship, I would say they are half as frequent and half as intense. There has been significant improvement.
After years of battling her doubts about my trustworthiness and sexual fidelity, not long ago I told my partner that I would no longer tolerate her voicing her doubts about my fidelity to me. She could no longer tell me that she thought I might be unfaithful to her. And she's actually done that successfully for the past couple months. As I mentioned, she is in counseling. She seems to have more realistic expectations of the relationship, no longer demanding that I think she be perfect in every way.
I feel we are very compatible in multiple ways: our personal values, vision for our lives in the future, what we enjoy doing, etc. And yes, sexually too. I am very afraid of ending the relationship, calling off the wedding and then looking back and regretting ending the love of my life.
So, how do you know when to stay in a relationship or when to leave? Yes she has BPD-like behaviors, but are they to the extent that I should end the relationship? What if I see improvement, should I expect that to continue or is it a flash in the pan and she'll revert to her former self after we get married/have a child?
Thank you in advance for any insight you can provide.
ATL
