My Mother

[Sia15]

Hi,

I am looking for a place for objective support it is tough running this by friends and my family have turned their backs or are incapable of

speaking with me due to mental illness.

My mother told a malicious lie about me a few years back it was easily verified as false with my sister in law but she refused to talk with her and also refused to retract the lie. I have no support from my siblings about this and have become my mothers scapegoat surrounding ongoing problems with the sister in law the lie was implicated with.

I really feel as if the last phone conversation I had with her asking her to retract the lie and apologise, and she refused was her almost willing me to have to break ties.

This lie was the culmination of previous years of on going emotional abuse by my mother.

I had to protect myself so have gone no contact as I felt I was going mad and could not reconcile that my own mother would treat her daughter this way.

She tries to continue to manipulate me (even though we dont live in the same country) through my mother in law by sending her letters continuing to run the line that there was an issue and it is all my doing.

My mother in law now partially sees me as a bad person as my mother keeps perpetuating this lie.

I just feel very lost and sad and need a community that understands this madness!

[Kwamina]

Hi Sia15

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. It isn't easy at all when one's own mother tells lies about you. There are always two sides to a story and that your mother in law seems to believe some of what your mother is telling her about you without verification, also says something about your mother in law. How was your relationship with your mother in law before this all started?

Since you've come here I assume you believe your mother has BPD. This is a challenging disorder and having a parent with BPD can really take its toll on you. Going NC with your own mother isn't an easy decision to make, but to protect yourself it (unfortunately) is sometimes necessary to take certain drastic steps. This doesn't have to mean that the NC has to last forever of course, but no matter how you decide to move forward with your mother, protecting yourself and setting boundaries will be very important.

Since when has your mother been exhibiting problematic behavior? How did she treat you when you were younger?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[HappyChappy]

Hi Sia15

That’s pretty despicable behaviour and I totally understand why you would be upset. We all hate lies and for others to buy in is frustrating. But be assured that this is A typical behaviour for someone with BPD. They avoid apologising like the plague and are experts at projecting the blame on you, often with a thread of truth behind it (to help sell the lie). So please don't feel like you're going mad, it's normal and unfair to you.

Worth noting that someone with BPD has endless energy for playing these games and must win at all costs (even if that gives them great loss). So you BPD appears to tick all these boxes  - welcome to our world.  We need to understand things to control them. But if you’ve gone NC, then that should stop you mom triggering you at least. You mentioned being scapegoat; Google “triangulation scapegoat” and you should find plenty on why a BPD does this. It should also explain why your siblings aren’t going to break rank.

You want an objective view – yes you probably have been scapegoat and no you mom won’t ever want to apologies for anything or to anyone.

It is sad a BPD (of the age you mom) is unable to change. The good news is we can change, so we can change how we perceive all this, how we deal with it and get to a stage where it doesn't bother us so much, if at all.

The first rule of engagement I was taught when learning PR was you should try an control all media channels. My mom did this effectively (steamed open letters, listened in on the phone extension) at home. For propaganda to work, you need to be able to repeat a message over and over. So when we lived at home, our BPD did manage to circulate lies well, but you and I no longer live with our BPD. So show your evidence to your mother in law, make you point. There's a limit to how far a BPD can spread a lie, outside of their sphere of control. But I full understand that it won't feel that way for you, until you've healed from your up bringing.

I'm NC and my BPD has convinced my dad and sister of all sorts of rubbish. Doesn't bother me, because everyone else I know knows it's rubbish. A bit Alice in Wonderland, but heck. I'm pleased you're trying to explain this unfair treatment, feel free to post as often as you want.