Hi All.
Thanks for all your posts. I have been holding back from posting because I know that I have a tendency to try to please people and that causes me conflict at times.
I need that therapist. I'm absolutely barking... .
woof, woof.
Do what you can to take care of yourself first. You need all the reserves you can build up.
How far "back" are you with him now? (I don't recall if the two of you have lived together before, etc.)
How far back are we? We are actively talking about the problems we have been struggling with. We have had a conversation about his violence and have some ideas for a safety plan. We have affirmed that we love each other and want to work this out. We have agreed to meet more regularly (for coffee) so object permanence problems are reduced and are returning to spending one night a week together whilst my children are sleeping over at their dad's house. We have never lived together and I won't agree to do so until he has divorced his wife and we have at least a year without major problems under our belt. I intend to keep my children out of the equation until I am satisfied they are safe. I am working on one of my triggers (fear of being dumped/abandonment because I'm not loveable or good enough). He is working on one of his (feeling he is being ignored/punished because he's done something wrong if I don't contact him immediately when he texts or emails me). These two triggers have been very significant parts of our relationship roller-coaster.
nothing inherently wrong with giving things another try and as the board description indicates, working to improve your situation/relationship. in order to do that i would ask the following questions:
what hasnt changed before (for both of you)?
what needs changing (for both of you)?
what is realistically not going to change (for both of you)?
what is going to change (on your end)?
once removed - thanks for your questions. I've been reflecting upon them and my BPDbf asked if he could have the list to reflect upon himself. We're going to compare notes.
I'll be here for whatever path you chose, but please give thought to whether sticking your hand in a blender is the cure for a scratch.
We have core wounds from childhood, both of us were denied mother love and abused. The secret to getting that love is not asking it from people who cannot give it to us. There are healthy ways to face our issues and then there are destructive ways.
Hi Hurtin. Your comment about whether I was putting my hand in a blender to cure a scratch made me laugh. I could be doing just that but I have a deep, intuition that underneath all this dysfunction (mine and his) there is something beautiful that can be nurtured. If I found someone capable of love, I'd been no better off because I'd be unable to love him because I love my BPDbf and feel
he's my man. And I really believe that love is not just an expression of two sets of neuroses that neatly fit together. I can see that my man looks like a really bad bet. I can see that any sensible person would say walk away. You summed up his bad points so succinctly:
It sounds like your ex has been honest with you about some things. He's violent, he has hurt women, he's used weapons, he is in a program for batterers, his story changes when it comes time to take real accountability.
When I look in from the outside,
I am concerned but when I sit with him and hear him talk of what he is learning, when I see him doing something different to usual, and when I look at my triggers and the impact they have had, I think: It's worth one last push. It's worth taking the risk of expressing my needs, of learning to set boundaries and to say 'No' where appropriate, it's worth the effort of applying SET and JADE consistently and of investing love in him. It's worth risking a broken heart because it can't get any more broken than it already is and we might just sort this if we work together. If he's not serious, he'll dump me soon enough. In the meantime, I'm being safety conscious whilst I try to verify what he has been telling me about his past and I'm keeping him away from the kids. If social services take his daughter into care and my BPDbf is not awarded custody when he applies for it, I'll know that I need to think again. I know this decision makes no intellectual sense, but... .Well, I guess you understand the conflict from personal experience.
Thanks again, all.
Love Lifewriter x