Anyone feel sad staying in your relationship w your BPD

[Thread]

I was getting a massage my friend bought me for Christmas,... The massage therapist was around my upper chest area and said, "whoa! What is this? You have this big shield right here"

I laughed to myself thinking I actually think of that area as a shield. When I'm stressed out my hBPD I pull it in right in the area she was talking about. It's my "protection."

Does anyone else feel saddened by committing to stay in their relationship with there BPD knowing you're denying yourself chances of a healthy relationship?

I just keep feeling numb. Like well, this is it, it's my life, some days are good, and sometimes hBPD spirals and I get to shut off emotionally again and do my best to not take the rages or lashing out personally.

But does anyone else just feel like their relationship is a lie and fake?

Why stay:

Well I'm married. We are business partners. He works hard and does sacrifice for me to work solely on our business built off my strengths. That is the golden nugget to staying. And I've already separated from him once and can't bare to think of hurting him in that way again. It would absolutely crush him. And I don't really want to have to go though that again too. Our cat I force him to let me buy, we both love and cherish like a child and i wouldn't want to put her through that all Again too, the move, etc. I will have to let my business dreams go. It will have to dissolve. I also feel like maybe this is just what relationships are. There is no easy relationship and everyone comes with their problems.

Why do I not feel content in the relationship,  And why I never feel committed to it:

1. I don't feel honored and respected as a wife.

2. There is not enough connectivity emotionally which I really need in a relationship

- this at times does effect our intimate relationship as well

3. He gets jealous of my achievements or when I achieve something to the point of trying to bring me down, as an artist that is so not cool.

4. I feel as if I can't be a mother with hBPD

I have PCOS and endometriosis and if I want kid/s we need to start trying to conceive in the next 4 years or else it will just become harder

5.  I feel like hBPD doesn't plan for the future, doesn't take care of me as a wife and won't as a mother

He takes minimum pay scales even though he could be making much more money and is worth more, but won't make the change or ask for raises, I always had to push him and I'm so tired of doing the pushing. it always works out, but the getting to that point is met with a lot of putting me down or rages while getting there.

6.  When I watch corny tv shows or people show me love and kindness I feel like crying or will cry because I often don't feel treated kindly at home. Many times I chose my battles, often I will just look at hBPD and just say can you please be kind to me. If you've ever watched eat pray love, when she is crying in the beginning of the movie I feel like sometimes that is me.

7. I'm tired of being the strong one. Being told by therapists or friends I am the strong one in the relationship. I'm tired  of being the adult.

I'm not really asking for advice so much just wonder what all your stories are why you don't leave? why youre not satisfied staying? And are you okay only having half of a relationship?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JQ]

Hello Hanging 

I know just what you're feeling and it's hard, confusing, frustrating, you feel lost, abandon, and it's extremely frustrating and mentally draining dealing with your BPD s/o day after day, but you don't say for how long you've been married or together as a whole.

I wanted to stay with my exBPDgf and worked hard at it, my therapist, couples counseling with her therapist, books, this site, but when they look at you and tell you they don't know if they can make a promise they won't cheat on you and the therapist agrees then what am I suppose to do? That was only one thing as we all know there are multiple facets to a BPD relationship much like you describe.

I like you learned I was ALWAYS going to have to be the adult in the r/s and knew it was going to take more personal patience and strength then I have ever giving anyone ever before. I wanted to, she knew it, but like many other BPD/NON r/s it went sideways. I think about her often and wonder if I should reach out after being NC for so long but I'm told that would lead to nothing but chaos, frustration and start the process of me healing again and I know it all to be true.

I can relate to everything you say!  ESPECIALLY when you said, " I'm tired of being the strong one. Being told by therapists or friends I am the strong one in the relationship. I'm tired  of being the adult."  Something I learned about this whole process is the 51% rule.  It's noble and honorable to give of yourself to someone else or kids and a s/o as long as you don't give more then 49% of yourself. The remaining 51% you must devote and give to yourself so that you can remain strong and recharge yourself to continue to give of yourself to others.  But you've learned that someone with BPD will forever the 3 yr old toddler constantly testing you, demanding of you of your time, mind, body and soul and will continue to take and take and take as long as you give, give give, until you are no longer able to give of yourself any longer. The hole you have dug might be to much for you to climb out of.

I wanted a partner in life, a full partner and not a control freak or someone who made demands on me that I couldn't give any more. I gave of myself until I couldn't and I had to give back to myself.

I understand exactly where you're coming from. I know your frustrated and don't know what to do or where to turn to. I or anyone else here can't tell you that. What we can and will tell you to do is to take care of yourself first and foremost. Take moments out for yourself, go for a walk and get some spring air! Walk off some stress.  Enjoy the small things in life when you do, the sun on your face. The sounds of the birds singing.  Get some sleep because chances are you're not. Sleep is so important to recharging your brain & body to deal with the stresses of the next day.  Sit and relax to some of your favorite music whether that is some classic rock, some Saving Able, Snow Patrol or Imagine Dragons. What ever it is, grab a glass of wine, find a relaxing place and enjoy the moment for yourself. 

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!     

J

[Thread]

jQ

Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I really feel your empathy in your writing. Good choice of music too  

Yes I lack sleep. And I find ultimate fulfillment in my business and what I give to people through it. It's helped a lot. Husband doesn't cheat. He's a good guy. He just has emotionally instabilities that really cause a rift in our relationship. As you probably know and understand what I am trying to explain. His emotionally maturity yes is that of a toddler.

I will dwell on all you have said and the advise you have given. I do know and understand what you are saying. It just does feel like I put myself deep into a hole that I'm not sure I can get out of. And I don't know if I have the heart to leave a second time. How terrible would they be for everyone not just he and I buyout families too. His, who doesn't quite get it or support him.

[JQ]

Hanging,

I have a vey wide range of music that I appreciate and surprise most by it when they find out.   

Some guidance on your lack of sleep. As I said, REM sleep is soo important to heal & rest your mind & body for the next day's challenges. When you don't get it or it's interrupted things tend to go down hill from that.  My military doc turned me onto melatonin to help us sleep when we were crossing multiple time zones or keeping odd hours, working at night, sleeping during the day, they affectionally called us "day walkers".   It's not a drug, but a natural supplement that a gland in your brain produces to help you fall asleep during normal life. When you're under extreme stress as you are now or interrupted sleep patterns it helps you get sleepy and fall asleep. Trust me you can't OD on it because it's not a drug so I would start off with 5-10mg's and go from there. I take 30-40 mg's depending on the night. You can find it in the grocery store on the vitamin isle next to other supplements. Happy Sleeping 

As far as the hole you've dug ... .stop digging!    You said, "I don't know if I have the heart to leave a second time. How terrible would they be for everyone not just he and I buyout families too. His, who doesn't quite get it or support him."  I get this, i really do as a fellow codependent aka NON.  But when do you take care of yourself?  Where do you fall in the pecking order to take care of your needs and wants?  When does your feelings, your heart, your mind, your soul get taking care of?

Who is going to support you. "Besides us of course"     I saw my dad decline and die a slow death after marrying my BPD step mother for 20 years. He gave and gave everyday and dealt with his battle someone who had BPD by taking prescribe antidepressants & washing them down with alcohol until he couldn't do it anymore and had a massive heart attack before he turned 50. It was the most important life learning lesson he could of gave me and it cost him everything.  I pass that lesson on to others here so that they can make the best choice for them knowing all the facts & information from every aspect of this serious mental illness.

I would also tell you to get some exercise to help work off the stress and enjoy the outdoors. A mile will really only take you 15-20 minutes and can do so much for your physical and mental health. This is a very small step of you taking care of you. Stay away from the Coke/Pepsi or soda of your choice and try some water or a sport drink of your choosing. Stay away from the junk food because nothing good ever comes from that.  And be sure to take a good multivitamin.

Bottom line ... .YOU need to take care of YOU!   

J

[Thread]

Thank you so much JQ

After today's let's say very unsuccessful last visit at the DBT Institite I am now realizing I need to take the necessary steps to make sure me is good. My parents are miserable. My dad loves my mom I believe my mom and sister are uBPD. My mom is not willing to validate my dads feelings in anyway and there is and has always been conflict there with my mom never being happy always complaining and he has taken such good care of her. But she is not willing to look at herself and make the necessary changes.

What she told me was she married my dad because her mother died and she needed someone, got pregnant young and was stuck. And that it is what it is and she will not divorce him.

It's super sad. I feel very sad for my dad.

In DBT therapy today I brought up one topic of 4 I wanted to discuss which took the entire hour.so the big topics weren't broached at all.  it was about how defensive he gets when I am training him with the business (built from my stregthes)

The therapist asked how my mentors who are married handle their business/marriage... .I told her he said he listens to what she says and goes by the Saying happy wife happy life. He told me he is way more in love with her then she is with him and that's how he believes a marriage is successful. She told me that he isn't defensive about criticism and that he is very responsive to when he messes up.

My hBPD's comment, "well their marriage isn't broken."

This leaves me to believe he hasn't learned one thing. And again is not taking responsibility for any of his behavior and his part in the separation. I've so tired. Of this. Exact thing.

I ignored it to stay on topic and so did his therapist. But I wanted to yell, hello wake up you were emotionally abusing me for almost three years. Anyone who even showed me a ounce of kindness I would start tearing up because my heart and mind needed that so much it seriously brought me to almost tears.

I am very torn. But I do think I need to come up with a list of how to slowing get out. I need to dissolve the business. Get a part time job to keep our orders filled  this is heart wrenching if I have the courage to take this path. He knows now I am upset and now he is trying once again to be on good behavior after blowing up at me.

Everyone here says I love him/her I can't leave because I love him/her

I honestly can say I'm not in love with him. I'm just afraid of leaving.

[dacoming]

Yep, like I'm in prison.