How to help sd10

[kells76]

Mom isn't following the CO that JUST got signed (by her first, btw) last month (i.e., Mom "thinks it's a good idea" for sd10 to be with dh but "can't force her to go if she doesn't want to" -- you guys get it   )

Sd10 had majorly flipped out the first time DH was set to pick her up under new CO, so with the next steps in place & ready to go (ex parte for 50/50 and counseling and PT coord and PT evaluator), DH decided to let the pressure off of sd10 and not enforce his pt with her right now. I know some of you guys might not think that's the best move, but that's where we're at and DH is doing it out of the best way to love sd10 that he knows.

That being said, what's the best way we can help sd10 through the next few weeks, if she's giving in to Mom and not coming over? Should DH be texting/calling sd10? Writing/sending mail? I worry that even though Mom's line was probably ":)ad is making you see him because he doesn't care about what you want", her new line might be ":)ad doesn't want to see you & doesn't care about you". So given where we are at in reality, what's best for sd10?

I was talking to our MC about this because you know the situation where a person is set in a belief, and all the evidence to the contrary just entrenches them even further? He is of the opinion that that's more an adult phenomenon and what kids need is that message from the parent that they love the kid -- that kids won't naturally "harden" themselves against that. So is that operative here? I guess the question is how best to love & care for sd10 in this specific situation.

[Turkish]

Tough spot to be in for all three of you. It's likely that giving in to mom, it also reinforces mom's belief or what she's telling SD10, "see? Mommy loves you more than daddy."

[bravhart1]

Dad needs to understand that if mom had it her way he would never see his daughter.

Having said that, it is up to him to stand up to mom to fight for his relationship with his child.

His daughter is not strong enough to stand up to mom, and letting mom push her own agenda on the daughter without dad helping daughter is going to leave daughter feeling that mom is right and is the most powerful one in the room.

If you were ten you'd choose the right and powerful one too. It's human nature. And mom probably has thrown some guilt in there for good measure.

I get that dad thinks he's helping daughter to not push, but there is another way to see that. I think it may be percieved as dad not being brave enough to stand up to mom. He has a court order, call a hearing, call the coordinator,  call the counselor and put mom on notice that she's not running the show anymore. This has gone on for long enough. Dad only has a few short years left with those girls before they are out on their own. Does he think they will suddenly stand up to mom then and his relationship will begin? That's unlikely if he hadn't established a relationship with them that's built on trust. They need him. Let's not forget in all of this that mom is unwell.

Best of luck.

[Thunderstruck]

I just posted this in another thread... .it infuriates me when BPDmoms say "She won't see/talk to you and I can't make her". uBPDbm pulls this garbage re: phone calls all. the. time. Really? Who is the adult over there? You can't "make" her do things she doesn't want to do, huh? So if she didn't want to eat her vegetables, or brush her teeth, or clean her room, or go to school then you can't "make" her?  Not very good parenting if you ask me. 

With that being said, we went through a very tough time when uBPDbm was pulling this kind of stunt with SD11 (she was about 8 at the time). uBPDbm had SD so worked up that she would have full scale meltdowns at aftercare if/when DH showed to pick her up.

The best thing we ever did was get a court order in place (we currently have 50/50). We stick to it, SD knows where she is supposed to be on which day, and she is relieved to not be the rope in the tug of rope game anymore. DH's relationship with her went from shaky pre-alienated to calm and steady (they hold hands on our family walks, it's adorbs  ).

I know how it is, though. You don't want to be the "bad guys" who pull in police or the court to "force" SD to follow the court order. I get it. But I promise you, it may be tough at first but once it becomes the routine (and be sure to keep it a routine, try not to deviate from the court order as much as you can, because uBPDbm will be asking you for schedule switches constantly) then things will get better.

[Thunderstruck]

Also (I forgot to add)... .

A lot of people on here use the courts as a convenient scapegoat. "I understand that you want to spend xxx time your mom, but the court said this is the schedule so we have to follow it so that none of us gets in trouble. Mommy and Daddy just both love you and want to see you 100% of the time but that's not possible so the court split it up this way." Or some variation on that.

[kells76]

Hey TS thanks for writing; it means a lot.

Quick update as I'm at work -- so DH did try the "we need to do this so nobody gets in trouble" move on the day SD10 had her major meltdown (late March). Apparently she told Mom about it, so Mom berated DH in an email about how awful it was that she had to let SD10 know that nobody was going to get arrested by the police. Basically Mom has herself on paper saying "Nobody is getting in trouble for not following the CO".    I mean, is it worth trying again? Explaining it differently to SD10? Or just wait a week for Mom to get served & we get some more leverage?

That being said, I get what you're saying, and it's worth another talk with DH. He's totally over trying to "play nice" with Mom so maybe the next step is for him to just email Mom something like ":)rop the kids off at X time. They'll be with me the whole weekend. If they say they want to go back to you early I'm telling them that you support them being with me the whole time. If you don't you'll be in contempt of the CO". IDK... .I'm just kind of wiped out by all this. And there's more to come. It's like it's getting hard to think critically about each situation because there are so dang many crisis situations at once.

I'll try to respond to more folks later; thank you guys too.