New member - need help in troubled marriage with young kids

[Return to Normal]

Hello everyone,

I have been a long-time lurker who has finally found the courage to post.  I am sorry for the length of this post, but I need help dealing with a wife with uBPD and figuring out what I should do.  Complicating matters is that I have young kids.  I am terrified that my wife will take things out on them if I leave.  I am also terrified that if I divorce her, my kids will somehow end up like my wife, with attachment or abandonment issues that replay in their own romantic relationships.

I could use advice from others in this situation - both from people who have stayed and from people who have left.

Things making me stay:

* From the kids' (and outsiders' perspective, she is a devoted and loving mother.  I believe she is (correctly) afraid that I will leave her if she does anything to the kids. If I leave her, I won't be able to hold her in check.  I know this thinking is messed-up, but I think it anyway.

* I am in individual therapy and feel like things are generally getting better in my life.  If I wait long enough and continue working through things, I may be able to come to terms with this BPD illness.

* When the two of us remove the stressors from our life, we are generally happy together. 

* I am afraid of my wife.  I think she defines a lot of her identity as my wife - if I threaten divorce, she won't let me leave easily (she says this to me).

* She has started to seek help for this condition.  Things may get better.

* Things will be worse in my life if I leave - she will use visits with the kids, custody, alimony, divorce proceedings, etc. to punish me.  I don't know if I can take that degree of conflict.

* I think if I leave my wife, I am afraid I will find someone just like her and things will be even worse.

Things making me want to leave:

* My wife was unfaithful to me early in our relationship.  I did not find out about this until after we were married with kids.  I find this very hard to forgive - particularly as my wife lies about it.  This would have been a walk-away issue for me before the kids.  I am to the point where I find the lying much, much more painful than the infidelity itself.

* Through my individual therapy, I am aware of how she has manipulated me throughout our relationship.  I really resent it.  For example,

I tried to go to marital counseling with her before we had kids.  She was pregnant a week later.  Counseling was dropped.

* I feel like I am going crazy and I really want to be healthy - I don't know if I can do that with her.

* I want to have a healthy relationship with someone.  I want to model a healthy relationship for my kids.

* I feel like I am young enough to start my life over with someone else.

I don't know what to do and really could use help.

Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Return to Normal, and welcome!

It sounds like you have some very valid things to consider for staying or leaving.

These can be very overwhelming things to try to sort out, especially when children, marriage, and assets are involved.

Can you help us to understand the situation better and get to know you?

What is the day to day affect on everyone?

Is there any reason you would feel compelled to make a decision to stay or leave in the next ten days or so?

(Side note: typically new members simply post as the site suggests you do.  However, your post may be moved to either the "Improving" or ":)eciding/Conflicted" board.  I only point this out because it could be useful to start at the improving board and learn tools and strategies that may help you whether you want to stay or leave or remain undecided.  Even if your post gets moved/or you begin to post to the ":)eciding/Conflicted" board, I suggest you browse around the improving board for the opportunity to learn communication tools and such.  Learning to implement such tools will be useful no matter your ultimate course of action and also can help you to see more clearly what is going on as you learn to manage what you may be unintentionally contributing to 'the bleeding.'

[Turkish]

How old are your kids, and how have you seen it affecting them thus far?

[Return to Normal]

Thank you for the replies.  I have been reading many of the resources in here and they have been helpful.  I will continue to do so. 

My wife is a stay-at-home mother while I have a very high stress job.  I have 3 kids - ages 8, 5 and 3.  I think they are doing well as she does love them and does not rage at them.

A lot of my confusion comes from accepting that my wife has a life-long mental illness.  She acts very loving and sweet most of the time, but I am terrified to leave the house without one of the kids.  Weird things such as accidents, emergencies, broken or missing things happen if we fight or I have to travel.  I used to think I was going crazy and just imagining things, but I have seen a clear pattern since I started journalling.

My wife and I were doing okay for the past few years, but when we moved back to live near our families, a lot of unresolved child abuse issues came up primarily for me.  I have been in individual therapy for over a year to deal with those and it was there my therapist suggested that I look at some BPD materials to possibly explain my wife's behavior.  The therapy is helping me see how codependent and unhealthy my relationships are - my wife really fought me over making any changes with our families, but has backed off.  We both have family that abused us in the past and I am scared to expose my children to those people. 

She will not let me change our dynamic, however.  Anytime I try to set a boundary with her, she gets very cold and mean.  I get afraid to leave for work due to the accidents and emergencies that spring up.  I have to love her all the time or "else".

Since I found out about her past unfaithfulness (one of her friends told me about it a few years ago and I confirmed), I really want to leave her.  I still care for her but cannot look at her the same way.  If it wasn't for the children, I would leave.  She seems sorry for it (I think she did it to get my attention), but won't open up about it and lies and lies about her past.  I have a feeling that there is a lot more to her story as I was very trusting and naive early in our relationship.

She started therapy, and I have a good feeling, but she did before and stopped.  I think the first therapist did not want to treat her.

There is nothing in the next 10 days that is driving me to leave.  I just slowly feel like I can't take it anymore.  We fight every few days - late at night and not in front of the kids.  Things between us are getting worse.  I have been isolated from my friends, alienated from my family and I feel all alone.  I have no where to go and I feel trapped.  I am afraid something will happen to the kids if I leave.